Early Mornings

One of the many issues I've been trying to resolve is when to exercise. I get up at 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning and start work, I either work or do chores through my lunch break, I work until 6:00 or 10:00 at night, then I go to bed. With the exception of the chores, I spend all day and night of every weekday sitting at a desk.

After having four days off from work for Thanksgiving, I had a chance to breathe and think about this problem. I decided to not start work until 8:00 AM and to spend the early part of the morning exercising. I knew it would be hard, because I'm so stiff and low on energy first thing in the morning, but I just couldn't see any way around it. I've tried to maintain control over my lunch breaks, but that has been impossible. I now have multiple bosses preventing me from taking a lunch (i.e. getting my exercise).

However, if I don't get online before 8:00 AM, I doubt any of them would have the guts to call me to give me tasks to do before then. The only reason why they do that now is because they see that I am online and working, so they think it is okay to call me and instant message me with tasks at 7:00 AM. It's not. My family is still getting ready for their day and I'm trying to get some quiet time so that I can get caught up on old tasks I was asked to do a while back. I don't want any interruptions before 8:00 AM. So, the solution to that is to simply not log on to my computer before then.

Instead I got up this morning, stretched, worked out on the elliptical machine, the stationary bicycle, and lifted weights. I feel much better for it. Ultimately, I will be a better employee for my company by having a clearer head in the morning, so they can't complain.

But with solutions come other problems. My dogs are obnoxious about getting in the way when I exercise. If I am doing floor exercises, my Corgi jumps on my chest and face thinking I am playing with her. If I am on any machine, both dogs try to get as close as possible to my moving feet until they get kicked in the head, so I have to keep yelling at them to move away and go lay down. They aren't as responsive as I'd like, so I may have to just lock them up in another room while I exercise.

I started thinking about how my dogs are a lot like my nosy neighbor. Any time that I make some movement, they appear out of nowhere and loiter in my space. Then I started thinking that perhaps my nosy neighbor has the I.Q. of a dog and that is why she behaves like one, mindlessly coming out to get under my feet whenever she sees me. That was my humorous thought for the day. Now I've got to get back to the desk grind. Yuck.

My First Post...or "I'm such a Slacker"

lol! Take your pick. As Nuz Muz knows, over a year ago she thought it would be a great idea to start up a blog to journal our journeys and experiences towards a more healthy lifestyle so we would be better riders...and just feel better, too. We could be there for each other to support and listen, too.

But I've been a slacker and haven't posted even one post.....until now. hah!

I was doing so good last year and had lost many pounds and gained some good muscle tone, too. And then I had my horse related accidents and lost more weight, but lost even more muscle tone and strength. Thinking about this and what I'm dealing with now, I think I'd rather be heavier, but have strong muscles, than be thin and have weak muscles. But if I could be thin....AND have strength that would be the ultimate goal.

In this new journey of getting back into shape, I'm not looking for lots of weight loss, but rather trying to gain the strength back that I've lost. If I lose weight in the process.....Hooray! It certainly couldn't hurt. lol!

I've been rather lazy working to rebuild the quad muscle above my damaged knee and it is now so weak that I find it a real work-out just trying to climb up the stairs. All my pants fit unevenly, too. They are loose over my weaker leg and tight over my right, more overused leg. I want to somehow even them out so I don't have baggy butt on one side of my body and high-waters on the other. (Believe me, it's weird. lol!)

Anyway, I have some new goals to reach now. I want to get back up in the saddle again, and I am planning on taking some Fear Make-Over classes through an instructor that volunteers at the Horse Rescue where I volunteer. I know I need these classes just to work through my fears so I can move forward. I've been at an impasse for a long time and I want to be free of that.

In April, there will be another ACTHA Trail Ride at the same location as the Ghost Riders Fund Raiser Trail Ride was and a fellow volunteer from the horse rescue contacted me and asked if I would join her for the ride as a Buddy Rider. A Buddy Rider doesn't have to do any of the challenges during the ride, and just gets to enjoy the 6-8 miles of trail while getting an idea of how a competitive trail ride works and exposing their horse to new experiences and sights, too.

I don't know yet, if I'll ride Baby Doll. She is at the core of my fears, for obvious reasons, and I don't know if I'll be able to move past them in time for a ride like that...or if she'll be ready either. But I would like to try.

So, that's where I am right now. I am going to clean off my ski machine this week and start working on that every day for 10 minutes to start, and I want to begin a walking program. I can take my dog for a walk or my llamas. It'll be more fun that way. Maybe I can even start taking my mare, too. We'll see.

I'll try to do a better job at posting and keeping track of my progress. I'll need all the help I can get because I tend to talk myself out of exercising, especially if the weather isn't all that great...and of course, we are going into winter now. sigh.

So, please wish me luck.

~Lisa
of Laughing Orca Ranch

Finally! A Partial Diagnosis...

My gynecologist has been trying to get a hold of me over the past two weeks, and we've been caught up in a game of phone tag. Just when I had given up, her nurse called me this morning when I was actually available to pick up the phone. It turns out that I've got a fibroid tumor in or on my endometrial canal. That explains the pelvic pain, the heavy, unscheduled bleeding, and the loss of bladder control, but not a lot of other symptoms.

Since fibroid tumors are always benign, the doctor isn't going to perform surgery to remove it. She's just going to monitor and control my symptoms through medication. It's nice to know that all of this isn't in my head and caused by a supposed anxiety disorder as the internist suggested.

Now if only I could have someone figure out what is causing my vertigo and digestive upset...

The Hues of Hump Day

Since mid-September I had been sick with a whole slew of odd symptoms, but tried to ignore it all until I had to admit that this wasn't normal and something had to be wrong. My boss was slave-driving me as usual, and I knew I couldn't take half a day off from work to drive into the next city to see my old doctor. So, I chose to see a new doctor just around the corner from where I live, in hopes of getting in and out of the visit quickly.

Long story short, the new doctor turned out to be a quack who had no interest in helping me, but just wanted to get as many appointments out of me as possible so that he could make more money. I went in for what I hoped would be an annual physical that would turn up some explanations for why I had all those health problems for so long. This doctor talked to me, but never examined me. He just handed me a form to give to the lab for blood and urine tests. That was appointment number 1. Since the receptionists had forgotten about me, I wasted two and a half hours on that day.

Appointment number 2 was with the lab, which normally goes lightning quick, but on this day there was a lady ahead of me who was a talker. She got the lab technicians so involved in a conversation about Halloween that they all forgot there was one other patient waiting. That appointment wasted an hour and a half of my time.

Appointment number 3 was with my gynecologist, because the new internist was squeamish about dealing with female problems, so he referred me to her. Of course, she was away on an emergency at the hospital on the morning of my appointment. I had to wait for her to arrive at the office and there were several women ahead of me. After my appointment, she handed me a request for the lab, but filled it out incorrectly, so I had to return to get that corrected. Because of that mistake, Appointment number 4 had to be rescheduled. All in all, I lost three hours of my time on that day.

Appointment number 5 was for a pelvic ultrasound. I had planned to do it over my lunch break so that my boss wouldn't get irritated about all of these medical appointments, but after sitting in the waiting room for an hour I wasn't willing to wait any longer, so I rescheduled.

Appointment number 6 was my third attempt for a pelvic ultrasound. This time I had a 45-minute wait in the waiting area, followed by a half-hour appointment.

I thought I was done, and gave up on getting any closer to knowing why I had all these odd health problems. Then the new internist's office called and said they needed me to come in to go over my blood tests. I thought, "Ah ha, they must have found a clue."

I went in, waited in the waiting area for an hour and a half, only to be asked why I was there. I reminded them that they called me in to go over my lab results. "I don't think we have those," the nurse said.

I was about ready to cock somebody upside the head when she found them. Then the doctor came in and wanted to know why I was there. "You tell me," I said. "Your office called me in, and I just spent an hour and a half in your waiting area to find out. I believe it had something to do with my blood tests."

He ran through the results and everything was normal, except for some blood in my urine. He said, "That could be anything, so I'm not going to worry about that."

I knew why there was blood in my urine, and I knew it wasn't anything to worry about, but I was astounded by how quickly this quack of a doctor dismissed that finding when it could possibly have led to an explanation for why I had all these health problems. I kept waiting for him to ask me about the symptoms I had when I previously saw him, but he never bothered to ask. So, I just old him that they all went away. He looked confused and had to dig through my files to remember what they were. I still do have some symptoms, but certainly didn't want to give this doctor any reason to suck up my time with more senseless appointments. Again, he didn't even examine me despite me coming in for a physical.

He did mention that I had slightly high cholesterol and that he wanted me to take another blood test in six months to see if it has come down. I said no to that. My old doctor only ran those tests every other year. Since my cholesterol is only slightly high, there's no good medical reason to make me do it all over again in six months. This guy just wanted two more appointments out of me, so that he could collect from my insurance company and piss off my boss for taking up more of my time.

In the meantime, my gynecologist has been trying to get a hold of me to discuss my pelvic ultrasound tests. She does it the way most normal doctors do, which is to either mail the results or discuss them over the phone instead of making the patient come in for another appointment. I suspect she'll say everything was normal, and 6 appointments and several phone calls later I'll still be no closer to knowing why I was so sick for so long.

Health care in the United States sucks. If you've got a loved one who is seriously ill, I recommend you go straight to a hospital instead of dorking around with internists and general practitioners. They can't do anything except pass you off to someone else. By the time you get done with all of your appointments and tests, you may be dead. Fortunately, my situation isn't that serious, but my time is valuable, so I think that in the future I will just wait it out instead of trying to find answers. Time is the best cure for any ailment.

By the time I returned to work from that last medical appointment, it was five minutes until 5:00 PM. I figured I'd just wrap it up for the day. I had started work two hours early to make up for the doctor's appointment I would have later in the day. Then I found the email from my boss. He wanted me to work that evening until 9:00 PM. I usually go to bed at 8:00 PM! I was furious. 6:00 AM until 9:00 PM is a long work day even if I did have a doctor's appointment in between. I thought, "With these work hours, it's no wonder that I'm so sick."

Monday Reds

I decided to call it Monday Reds instead of Monday Blues, because there's nothing melancholy about Mondays. I usually start off the morning battling emergencies. I actually find it to be a bit of a joke that I am in the software business and I spend more time putting out fires than a fireman, and more time doing triage than an emergency room doctor.

Going back to my previous post, Just Plain Looney, I ended up not having to feed my neighbor's horses. It really wouldn't have been a problem. My frustration had more to do with the timing of so many people giving me tasks to do all at once. Had she contacted me at some other time when I didn't have two bosses talking at me through instant messaging, I would have been much more welcoming and friendly.

Anyway, on Saturday I was so wiped out that I refused to answer the phone. Someone called really early while I was still in bed and that set me off. Certain retired people in my life wait all week to call us on Saturday mornings to ask for favors, not considering that they are interfering with the one day we have available to sleep in. So, I made up my mind that the phone could ring itself off the hook, but I wasn't picking up.

It turned out that one of the phone calls was my neighbor telling me that she didn't need me to feed her horses after all. She was coming home early from her trip. I had hoped she didn't change her plans because she worried about me not being able to do the job. She stopped by my house when she got home, thanked me for agreeing to do it, and gave me a big hug -- something she normally doesn't do. I'm sure she picked up on my stress level and felt bad for me.

I also wasn't picking up the phone, because I figured my boss was trying to get a hold of me to ask me to work through the weekend. I let him believe I was out of town while I took care of some of my personal needs, like having a clean house and food in the fridge.

Though I don't have a good plan to get out of this miserable work situation, I did make up my mind that I would not start work earlier than 8:00 AM, nor work later than 5:00 PM, and I would make sure I get an hour lunch break regardless of what emergencies are swirling around me like tornadoes. You see, I used to start work at 5:00 or 6:00 AM, because it gave me a few hours to complete tasks that I normally cannot complete due to people interrupting me all day. However, this new boss has started contacting me the instant the he sees me log in to my computer. Of course he gives me some urgent task to do, which pulls me off the tasks I intended to do, and I feel like I am perpetually behind in my work. Since I am no longer receiving any benefit from working that early in the morning, I'm just not going to work that early anymore.

Sure enough, as soon as I logged in at 8:00 AM, my old boss sent me a task to do that wasn't even in my area of responsibilities. I got angry and forwarded the message to my new boss, telling him that I'm tired of having too many supervisors all giving me different tasks. I asked him to make it clear to everyone else in the company that he is my one and only supervisor, and that all task requests for me must go through him. My new boss ended up basically telling my old boss that his task is not a priority and has nothing to do with the company's current goals. That brought me some relief. This old boss had a habit of using people in my department as if they were all his personal assistants. He'd give us tasks that were his responsibility, but that he didn't want to take the time do himself. I felt more like a secretary working for him than anything else.

I thought my new boss and I had an understanding that I am overworked, but he kept contacting me every 15 minutes with another task he wanted me to do. Unfortunately, people in my department are getting burned out by this new boss, and they are starting to drop like flies, so I have to work quadruple-time to make up for all the sick, missing bodies. Anyway, I told my boss I need a lunch break. He acknowledged that, but still insisted that I do the task.

Once I completed the task and attempted to take a lunch break at 1:00 PM (I normally eat at 11:30 AM), he gave me another task. I said that I still hadn't had my lunch break, and again he acknowledged that, but insisted that I get this other task done before I take my break. So, I started on that task, finished it, and just as I was about to take my break at 1:30 PM, he contacted me with some other urgent task. By now I was pissed. I shut down his instant message, marked myself as being AWAY, and I went outside to muck out the stalls. I knew the phone was probably ringing the entire time I was out there, but I didn't care. It is dark when I start work in the morning and it is dark when I end work at night, so the only time I can clean stalls is on a lunch break. I don't have electricity in my barn. I need daylight.

I also need to be able to eat a leisurely lunch without having to shove something down my throat while typing as fast as I can. Not to mention that for years now I have been promising my doctors that I will spend at least half an hour of my lunch break exercising. I always gain a lot of weight in the fall and winter, because the days are so short that I spend my lunch hour cleaning stalls and paying bills instead of exercising. I'm already up three pounds.

However, with my determination to get a lunch break, I did get some exercise shoveling manure at a record pace. My neighbors probably thought I was nuts throwing all this manure straight out the stall doors onto the ground. I didn't even care if I made the basket. I just wanted to get those stalls cleaned as fast as possible. When I came inside, I jumped up on the treadmill and ran as hard as I could to get my anger and frustration out.

I returned to work, finished the latest batch of urgent tasks, and of course, right at 5:00 PM another emergency arose. Instead doing what I would normally do, which is hang around my desk all evening waiting for word that what was broken is now fixed and I need to put the new code through its paces, I shut down my computer and stopped answering the phone.

I actually got to read a few chapters in a novel under some warm covers in bed. It was wonderful. And now here I am at 6:00 in the morning writing a blog post instead of being herded around by too many bosses. It's amazing what you can do with a couple of free hours. On a spiritual level, I've been praying for my workload to lighten up. So far the answer has been no. I see no signs of it getting better -- only worse. Apparently, I'm supposed to go through this. I just wish God would expedite the process by telling me what I'm supposed to learn from all this stress, instead of dragging out my suffering.

The sad part is that management is too blind to see that they are merely driving off their good employees by piling everything on them, and not even putting a dent in the problem with the slacker employees, because the slacker employees just continue to avoid work and don't let anything stress them out. The company is going to lose the people they need by the way they treat us, and probably fail for it. They can't make money if the only people left working for them are people who only show up to work to collect their paychecks.

I am going to try an experiment. I'm going to mimic one of the slackers today by taking a break every 15 minutes for a good 20 minutes or so, and see what happens. We've got one employee who spends more time on the toilet and outside smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and reading science fiction novels, than he spends at his desk; and he spends more time at his desk surfing the Internet than he does working. We have another employee who falls asleep in his car, and upon waking up, drives himself to the pub. He's usually MIA for several hours during the day, then comes in staggering and stinking of hard liquor. Both of these guys never deliver on their tasks. I mean, if those two guys haven't been fired yet, what am I worried about? In fact, they are the reason why I have to put in so much overtime and give up my evenings, weekends, and lunch breaks. I'm constantly having to do their tasks after they fail to do them. If I became one of them, who would management shift their attention to? Who would become the next me?

Actually, I'm way too responsible and care too much about my job performance to pull off a stunt like that, but my thinking does give people some insight into human nature. I have learned the those who work hard, but make mistakes get humiliated and punished, while those who do no work at all are left alone to do as they please. There certainly does seem to be more incentive to be a slacker than there is to work hard. It's just sad that I have to train myself to slack off more for the sake of my health.

Just Plain Looney

I did it. I finally lost my mind. My new supervisors at work are very demanding, in-your-face kind of people. I was already putting in 10 to 15 hours a day, working as hard and as fast as I could, and they want me to step it up. I feel like a legless person saying, "I'm dancing as fast as I can."

So, earlier this week I lost it during a phone conference and informed them that I couldn't possibly do all the tasks they were asking me to perform in the small amount of time that we had available. They sensed the desperation in my voice and backed down, redistributing some of my tasks to others who weren't so pressed. That's the problem with being the best at what you do. Everyone wants you to do everything while those who don't perform so well get to relax and enjoy their paycheck.

My frustration level was rising during this meeting, and a part of me wanted to disconnect the phone, pack a suitcase, and hit the road to anywhere but where I was. Then I looked out the window and saw that a neighbor's house had huge flames blasting out of its roof. I said, "I've got to go! My neighbor's house is on fire!"

I hung up, grabbed my phone and coat, and ran across the street to investigate. As I got closer, I saw that the house was not on fire, but something in the backyard. I ran to the backyard and found my neighbors throwing dirt on the fire. They had been burning weeds and the fire got out of control. However, they did get it under control fast enough that we didn't need to call the fire department.

I returned to my desk and decided not to bother calling back in to the meeting. My blood pressure had already been challenged enough for one day.

Then today, Friday the 13th, we had a major deadline. I did not get a single break between starting work at 6:00 AM and wrapping it up around 5:30 PM. Every time I tried to go to the bathroom, my boss contacted me. I did manage to get away for a few seconds to fix myself a cup of tea, but I didn't get a break beyond that to actually drink it. I was typing so fast that I couldn't even move my hand over to pick up the cup and take a sip. It was ridiculous.

Right at 5:15 PM, all hell broke loose. One boss contacted me about an emergency that needed my attention while another boss was messaging me about a different emergency. The project was falling apart and everyone wanted me to come to the rescue after 5:00 PM on a Friday night. I was trying to appease both bosses by multi-tasking and taking care of both of their emergencies simultaneously, then the knock came at the door.

That's when I lost it. No one ever comes to my door to help me out or do me a favor. They only come to my door when they want me to do them a favor. I was both mentally and physically exhausted, my schedule was beyond full, and I had nothing to give. My reaction was to freeze. I went into a catatonic state. I just sat there at my desk while my bosses were sending me frantic instant messages, and I made no attempt to answer the door. I started thinking about how incredibly hungry I was, not having had a break all day to eat. The doorbell rang a second time.

My son walked up to me and said loud enough for the person at the door to hear, "Do you want me to get that?"

He was looking at me funny, knowing something was wrong with me since the front door was only three feet away and I was frozen in my chair. Since I knew the person at the door had heard him, I nodded, though I really, really, really did not want him to answer the door. Answering the door only leads to more responsibility, and I knew I was going to have a complete nervous breakdown if someone dumped just one more thing into my lap.

Sure enough, it was my neighbor asking for a favor. As soon as I heard her voice say, "I need a favor from your mother," I started shaking all over. It was like having instantaneous chills. I was sitting there thinking, "I've gone completely insane."

In the meantime, my bosses were still chattering away trying to get me to respond to their questions. My neighbor came in and gave me a funny look. I blurted out, "I'm still working."

She's said, "It'll just take one minute. I need you to feed my horses tomorrow night. Can you do that?"

I nodded, really not knowing if I could do it or not. It was looking as if I was going to have to work through the weekend, and if Saturday turned out to be as busy as Friday, I wouldn't even have time to eat, go to the bathroom, or have a sip of tea. My neighbor thanked me and ran out the door. My shaking got worse as I wondered what I had just gotten myself into. I wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come.

I realized that part of my shaking was due to being famished. My body was rebelling against these long work hours and lack of exercise. I cut off both of my bosses, telling one of them to do the task himself, and telling the other that I was done for the night, because I had responsibilities I need to take care of at home. They both backed down.

I looked in the fridge for anything at all to eat, but since we do our weekly shopping on Saturday, it was pretty empty. I didn't have the strength to cook anything, nor did I have the strength to drive anywhere. I knew I couldn't wait for a restaurant to cook my food and serve me, so I asked my son to drive us to Burger King, where we picked up some Whoppers at the drive-thru. I felt like a diabetic whose blood-sugar level got out of control. Getting to the fast food restaurant felt like a life or death situation. I totally over-reacted when a driver turned in front of us, cutting us off and causing my son to slam on the brakes. I felt like I was dying and couldn't wait another second to get some insulin (a Whopper with cheese) into my system.

I plan to spend this weekend contemplating my life to figure out how I can change it so that I don't die of a heart attack before I reach 50. I have waaaaaaaaay too much on my plate and can't seem to make others understand. You know that when you start thinking about running away from your job and home simply because you are on overload, something has to change.

Deja Vu

When I got a couple of new bosses at work, I had high hopes that things would change for the better. It's only been two weeks, so I know I should give them time, but I've already seen a number of things go downhill. First of all, I find myself working longer hours, doing way more tasks, and spending half my day either in meetings or writing up status reports to account for my time. I feel a bit like a criminal with a GPS tracker bracelet attached to my ankle. Each time I walk two-feet away from my desk an alarm goes off, and one of these bosses instantly tries to contact me to give me a task to do. That makes it difficult to go to the bathroom, pick up the mail, feed the horses, clean stalls, do the laundry, go to doctors' appointments, and even fix myself a cup of coffee. I have to live with my face buried in a computer screen, because someone is always checking up on me through instant messaging.

When I was told that my old boss was no longer my supervisor and that I should no longer do any tasks that he asks me to do, I jumped for joy. My old boss was highly inconsiderate in that he would continually try to prevent me from taking lunch breaks by giving me some urgent task to do right before he left on his own lunch break, and saying he wanted it done by the time he returned. He also was notorious for purposefully waiting until 4:00 PM on a Friday to give me a huge project that is due on Monday, thus forcing me to work through the weekend.

Unfortunately, my old boss still gives me tasks and pulls these stunts, but now he just does it through my new bosses and with their approval. I haven't had a decent lunch break in weeks. I'm supposed to be spending half an hour of my lunch break exercising thanks to doctors' orders, yet if I am not allowed to take a lunch break, I can't exercise.

With the time change, it is dark by the time I get off from work. I can no longer wait until evening to clean the horse stalls. Since I start work around 5:00 or 6:00 in the morning, there's no daylight or time to do it before work either. The only time I can clean stalls is over my lunch break... which I don't get. Therefore, my horses have been spending a lot of time standing around in fouled nests lately.

I wish there were some way that I could make my employers see how negatively they affect my life when they monopolize my time. I wish I could make them sleep in their own poop since that's what my horses have to do. I wish I could make them live in a little tiny box with only a computer and no food, since they never allow me time to go to the market. (My poor husband has had to do the majority of the marketing lately.) I wish I could force them to do some boring, monotonous, yet excruciatingly frustrating task for 12 to 16-hours straight, seven days a week, so that they can't have a life outside of that task. Then when all is said and done, I wish I could tell them that their productivity level is unsatisfactory and I'm going to throw out all the work they did and make them start over. That's exactly what they do to me.

Yes, I make good money and I get to work from home, but is it worth it? I ask myself that every day.