In the Infirmary Again

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've been out of commission again, wondering what the heck is wrong with me.  I literally don't get more than one good day a week when I feel healthy and normal.  If I had a consistent set of symptoms, I'd have something for a doctor to go on, but my health problems change from day to day and seem completely unrelated, but equally debilitating.  My insomnia returned, exacerbated by the fact that I've been obsessing over a photo shoot that could have gone better.  I literally couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about how I could salvage these pictures.

Number one lesson:  When you've been consistently broken down physically for a year, don't tell the clients you will have their proofs ready for viewing in two days.  I literally could not get out of bed yesterday.  I was so desperate for sleep that I took four aspirin, four Midol, my blood pressure medication, and my sleeping pills.  That finally did the trick, but now I'm up at 2:00 AM again after only 5 hours of sleep.  Still, that's much better than the hour of sleep I got the night before.

Some days I tell myself that I'm sick all the time because this has been the worst allergy "season" in the history of my life, but that doesn't explain all of my symptoms.  Other days I tell myself this wouldn't be happening if I could cut back on my responsibilities so that I can concentrate on my diet and exercise.  I'm always rushed.  I rarely have time to work out anymore.  Ridiculous problems keep coming out of left field at me, sucking up all my time.  I admit that I've been contemplating finding new homes for my horses, because I don't think I will ever have time for them in the future.  My life didn't used to be like this, so I don't really understand why I went from being a happy horse owner to suddenly feeling like I'm overwhelmed having to clean three stalls each day when I barely have the strength to get out of bed or the time to spare.

Usually, I set aside some time on some future date to work out on the gym equipment, only to be sicker than ever on that day, and having to scrap my plans.  I'm considering scrapping everything and lowering my expectations to "just make it through the day alive".  No more writing goals, nor more reading goals, no more quilting, no more taking care of horses that I should be training and riding, no more photography business, no more settling of the estate, no more getting up every half hour to let the dogs in and out -- just hire some handyman to install a new solid wood door with a doggie door on it, so that I can get some rest.   

I'm so pathetic that many times I know that a warm bath would help me feel better, but I can't muster up the energy to even walk into the bathroom and get things ready.  When I watch TV or read blogs, I see people do mundane things and think, "Where do they get the energy to do that?" 

I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but this is all physical.  I have concrete physical obstacles that prevent me from living, yet they are all things I've discussed with doctors in the past, and the doctors have done nothing to help.  They aren't concerned, and that's probably because the symptoms do eventually go away.  The problem is that they go away only to be replaced by a completely different set of symptoms.  It would be like if I broke my leg and couldn't walk for for four months, only to break my arm right after my leg heals, and then just keep breaking different bones consecutively so that I'm never without a physical obstacle.  It eats away at you after a while.  You feel like you should just be permanently in a wheelchair and driving around with a handicapped sticker on your car, because obviously, your health is never going to change for the better.

Of course, a really good doctor would be examining possibilities like maybe I have a bone disease that's causing all of these breaks, or maybe I'm accident prone because I have a neurological challenge, but none of my doctors are that good.  I suspect they all think I'm a hypochondriac.  I'm just not sure how I can be a hypochondriac while I have bodily fluids leaking or pouring out every orifice of my body.  The mind is a really powerful thing if it can make that happen.  Plus, why would anyone subconsciously want all this pain?  I can't think of a single thing to motivate me to want to be in this condition.  I certainly don't receive any sympathy or assistance from others.  I still am expected to live my life and do my own chores despite the day's physical challenges.

There have been some days lately when I've warned my husband that I won't be able to leave the house, and not to be shocked if I stay in bed all day.  He just nods and goes about his business.  When the kids call home from college, all he has to report to them is that "we are getting old."  I want to make myself well enough and strong enough to make it through the holidays.  The thought of actually having to go shopping to buy gifts is overwhelming in itself.  I can't even go to the market to buy us food.  I might have to start buying both food and gifts over the Internet if I can't get past whatever this is.

Ultimately, it makes me realize that when I do get a good day, I have to utilize it wisely.  I have to consult my To Do List and strategize which actions to take that will benefit me most.  I also have to learn to say no to those who keep imposing on my time and energy.  I need some kind of pat phrase to toss out that will shut people down in their tracks and make them never approach me again to ask for favors... something like, "I've only got a few days to live," and it won't be a lie, because everyone really only has a few days to live.  Whether it be just a couple of days or tens of thousands of days, we never really know. 

Just to put it in perspective, if you lived to be 100 years old, you will have only lived 36,500 days.  It doesn't seem like much, does it?  I've been alive a little over 17,000 days.  My father lived for about 22,500 days.  My mother lived for about 28,500 days.  Take whatever you can get and use it like money in the bank.  And no, I haven't seen that movie yet.