Healthy as a Horse

I'm Think I'm Going Senile, But Don't Really Remember

2012-01-26T13:43:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've had memory problems ever since my head went through a windshield at 35 mph when I was 21-years-old. However, now that I'm getting older, it's getting more difficult to stay sharp. I take Ginkgo, but still I get distracted easily and am perpetually disappointed or frustrated from the results of my efforts. The telephone is my worst enemy. I wish I could turn it off, but I'm often expecting call backs. With an election coming up, we are getting 2 to 3 political calls a day. It's only going to get worse as the election nears.

I have been trying to put aside an hour each day to work on my novel, but haven't been able to add a word to it since November because I keep getting swept away by other things. So, this morning I sat down with the intention to start reading my novel from the beginning to recall the flow of it. I got as far as reading the first chapter when my mobile phone rang. I tried picking it up, but somehow hung up on the person instead. There was no caller ID, because the number was protected, so then I began worrying about the call I missed instead of reading my novel.

Soon I began noticing other things that needed to get done right away, like the dishes, the laundry, filling up empty water troughs, and paying bills. I walked away from the hose filling the water trough in order to pickup the mail when the mail carrier drove up and distracted me. Of course, the water trough overflowed. I found two refund checks that needed to go to the bank, but didn't want to have to drive all the way into town just to deposit or cash them. I decided to fill up the gas tank on my truck and get some lunch to kill a few birds with one stone.

I keep getting refund checks that are made out to the wrong names, and when I try to get the companies that mailed them to me to re-issue the check in the correct names, there is usually some screw-up and the whole process ends up taking up way too much of my time. I'm only willing to write one letter or make one phone call to correct a problem. So, I started thinking about what my time is worth, and I decided that for any refund checks I get below $50 that are addressed to the wrong names, I will try to get the bank to honor them, and if the bank does not, I will shred the checks and not bother trying to get a new one re-issued.

I know that sounds incredibly lazy, but it truly is a hassle trying to correct these things. I have to make copies of death certificates and mail them, locate social security numbers and passwords, and even if I do get everything together, there's always someone at the other end who isn't paying attention, and they end up not re-issuing the check at all, or they just send out the same check in the wrong names. It's not worth the headache. I'd rather be working on my novel.

So, I approached the bank teller with my check and told her the story behind it and asked if she would honor it. She had to bring the bank manager out, and this lady remembers me, because I'm constantly coming in with improperly addressed refund checks. She's told me the rules of the bank multiple times, but I can never remember them, nor can I remember the process I go through to deal with one of these checks. Do I need my ID or a debit card or what? And then if they need me to slide the debit card, I can never remember the PIN. Then I have to have them reset the PIN. On and on it goes.

After they settled everything, I was struggling to get my paperwork together and shove everything back in my purse while other customers were waiting. The expression on the teller's face showed complete exasperation. She was fed up with me. It suddenly occurred to me that I have become that slow-moving, forgetful, self-absorbed, annoying little old lady who drives everyone crazy in checkout lines and has to complicate matters with her confusion.

I picked up some items for lunch and went to the Express Checkout line, and guess what? There was a little old lady on a scooter in front of me and she wanted to pay with an American Express gift card, but she didn't know how to use it. The checker coached her through it, and I was polite in giving them their space. The checker handed her the receipt and the lady said, "It's telling me to slide my card again."

The checker stopped her and informed her that her transaction is complete and that message is for the next person in line. She then pulled a bagger off another line to help the lady out to her car. I thought, "You know, this community really isn't bad. At least they take care of their old folks."

I remember trying to shop in California at the store where my mother used to shop while I was staying in her house, and having the checker chew me out for not paying attention to what was going on around me. The problem was that there was so much activity going on around me and I wasn't wearing my glasses, and I was overstimulated. Plus I was from out-of-state, I wasn't used to this area's social norms, and I didn't understand the layout of the store. The jerk treated me like I was a criminal. Nobody would be treated that way in my town.

Anyway, I made it home safely only to discover that I was just at the market and I forgot to bring the shopping list. We were out of milk. Sigh. I sat down in defeat and started eating my deli sandwich, only to discover that I absentmindedly ordered a sandwich containing guacamole, and I am allergic to avocado. By the time it hit me that I was eating guacamole, it was too late. My lips, mouth and throat were swelling up and burning.

I keep wondering if life will ever get easier, but at the rate my mind is failing me, this is probably the best that it gets.

Can We Control Timing?

2012-01-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I mean is it possible to control timing on a metaphysical level?

The reason why I ask is because for me the timing of what happens to me is all messed up. It's like feast or famine. Either nothing is happening or everything is happening all at once and I'm overwhelmed. It is physically and mentally impossible for me to handle everything when it happens all at once. Yet this is a habit. Whether it be God's habit or my karma or me attracting everything all at once, I just don't know, but I'd like it to stop. I'd like to spread it all out over time, so that I can give each challenge its due attention.

Most days I feel like I have ADHD. I start one project, get distracted by one thing or another, start a second project, completely forgetting about the first, on and on it goes until the day is over and I've got nothing to show for it, because I didn't complete a single project. Other people are a problem too, because I expect to get my goal met in one phone call, and somehow other people always manage to turn that one phone call into multiple phone calls and a very time-consuming game of telephone tag. Everything simple has to turn into a fiasco.

Sometimes I'll get bullheaded and say, "I'm not going to start any new projects until I get A and B done first."

So, I take on the first steps of A and B, which usually requires the assistance of someone else, and that someone else doesn't do his job or doesn't return my call for weeks. I keep calling and leaving messages until I've wasted so much time on A and B, that I give up and start working on C and D. Then, right when I'm in the middle of dealing with C and D, suddenly A and B return to haunt me and I find myself having to do A, B, C, and D all at the same time.

Examples: I've been calling my hay farmer all week trying to get him to deliver a block of hay he said he would save for me. I've also been calling this company that owes me money for a death benefit and leaving multiple messages, because twice now I have been told that the check is in the mail, and it didn't show up. Now they are just ignoring me and not returning my calls. These two issues of obtaining enough hay to feed my horses until next summer and collecting this last death benefit are critical to our survival, so I have nightmares about them and sometimes stay up all night worrying about them.

I'd been home pretty much all week, and then I decided to step outside for 30-seconds to pick up the mail. As I was sorting through it on the way back to the house, I saw something that was from the company that owes me money, and I thought it was a check. I tried to open it, but it was one of these pieces of mail that is like a puzzle to open. You can't have your hands full. So, I walked in the door, and wouldn't you know it, the hay farmer was just finishing leaving a message. I ran to pick up the phone, but just missed him. I immediately called back, and he didn't pick up, so I had to leave another message. Now I am in waiting mode yet again, for him to get around to returning my call. Worse yet, the piece of mail that delayed me and caused me to miss his call, wasn't even the check I've been waiting for, so ultimately, neither problem got resolved. Ever since then I've been afraid to walk away from the phone.

I have a land line and a mobile phone, but out of habit I always give people my land line number, because I have it memorized. Then I kick myself for doing that because I get stuck staying indoors while waiting for phone calls to be returned. Even if I do give people my mobile number, I still forget to carry it with when I step outside for a few minutes to get the mail or feed the horses. If I know I'm going to be gone a long time, I usually remember to take it with me, but then they call while I'm driving and I don't want to have to pull over to answer, because it's dangerous, and once you do pull over, the traffic is so bad that it's nearly impossible to merge back into traffic.

So, I waited all morning for either the hay farmer of the company that owes me money to return my calls and got nothing. I decided to move on to a home improvement project, and phoned the handyman to set up an appointment. Of course, he couldn't do it right then and told me he'd call me back tonight or tomorrow. I stepped outside to put a letter in the mailbox to be picked up, walked in the door, and the phone was ringing. I ran for it and picked up just before voicemail did, and it turned out to be the handyman, calling several hours earlier than when he said he would call me. Of course, the best time for him to do his task was the worst time for me. There is one morning a week in which I am booked and I absolutely refuse to juggle other appointments at the time. It took some arguing, but I talked him into coming the next day.

I started getting things ready for his task, plus cleaning the kitchen, mopping the floors, cleaning the shower, etc., all things that I've been trying to do for weeks, but one thing after another got in the way. No sooner did I finish mopping the floor, and my husband came home from work half a day early saying he's sick and going to bed.

That ended my cleaning. I had to be quiet and couldn't vacuum. Since it's another feakin' unwanted three-day holiday weekend, I will have to wait three and a half days to pick up where I left off, because there's no point in cleaning house when there's a man in it. I don't mop floors often, but I would swear that every time I do, my husband comes home from work early to take some sick leave. Every time. It's almost as if I have the thought, "I should clean the floors while no one is at home," and my husband instantly has the thought, "I should go home because I'm not feeling well."

It's just like when he sees me vacuuming and shampooing the carpet, he suddenly thinks it's a good time to mow the lawn and track in all the grass blades. I have this saying that goes, "All I have to do is get busy and the universe will follow."

It's like my energy gets so high when I get busy that other people pick up on it, think of me, and decide that right then would be a good time to return my call, or come to visit, or ask me to do them a favor, etc. Even the animals seem to pick up on my energy and decide that right when I'm super busy they need my attention for one thing or another. Even inanimate objects pick up on my energy and find ways to interfere and prevent me from completing my tasks. The dryer starts buzzing or the microwave beeps always at the most inappropriate times when I can't drop everything I'm doing to respond.

When I went outside to put some mail in the box to be picked up, I found a piece of broken glass on my property and picked that up. I headed over to where we normally keep out trash can, but it was gone. It was out by the street and needed to be brought back in. I turned to go get the trash can and the dryer buzzer went off announcing that I need to get the latest load out before it wrinkles. On and on it went, and my original goal was just to simply put an outgoing letter in the mailbox.

There's another thing that's been happening regarding bad timing that is very unfortunate, because I lose money when it happens. You see, while trying to build up my clientele for my photography business, I've been volunteering one morning a week to do photo shoots to help find homes for homeless pets. Without fail, a paying client always calls right when I'm in the middle of one of these volunteer shoots. I have a rule that when I give someone a two-hour time slot for a portrait session, I do not let other people distract me or take up my time. It's just good manners.

I have a hair stylist who allows other people to come into her cubicle and chat with her while I'm getting my hair done. I find this to be rude, because that's my time slot to have her undivided attention. I don't want to run my business that way. I want to make each client feel like he or she is my only client for the time I have allotted for him or her, so if I'm in the middle of a photo shoot, I let voicemail take over. Unfortunately, most new clients won't leave a message and never call back. They end up calling some other photographer who is not as busy, I guess. My point is that I am capable of answering my business phone all but one morning a week, so why does everyone have to call on that one morning when I can't answer? It's bizarre.

Then there's lunch. I don't think I have been able to eat an entire meal for lunch in weeks, because every time I prepare some food and sit down to eat, something happens to take me away from my food and next thing I know, two hours have passed, my food has gone bad or gotten cold or melted or whatever, and I'm feeling irritated. The only good thing about it is that I'm losing weight because I never have the time to finish a meal.

I just wish I could do one thing at a time. I want to sit down and eat a meal without the dogs barking to go outside or come inside, without machines buzzing at me, without the phone or doorbell ringing, without something exploding, without having to go to the bathroom, without some time-sensitive task falling into my lap, etc. I used to be able to eat meals without interruption. I don't understand how or why everything had to change so drastically.

So, I wonder, if perhaps through meditation, visualization, affirmations or prayer (which I can't do often because I keep getting interrupted) -- if one could somehow alter the timing of the universe so that she can do one thing at a time without interruptions or distractions. I'm really growing tired of having day after day pass me by with very little to show for it, because I am unable to complete a single task. I really want to be here now, but short of joining a monastery or hiding out in a cabin in the woods, I don't know if the world will cooperate in helping me to focus on just one thing at a time.

A Bird in The Hand

2012-01-05T19:43:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I love telling my marketing stories on this blog. I went out to run some errands today, and my goal was to pick up some groceries at the market, and buy a new DuraFork manure basket at the feed store. When I saw how bad the traffic was on the route I took, I knew I had to stop at the feed store first and take a less crowded route home.

The feed store has had these DuraForks sitting out in front of their store for years, but I didn't need another one, so I didn't buy one. Well, this past week I totally broke one of my DuraForks when I chucked it at my gelding to get him to stop biting my mare. The fork hit him on the side, fell to the ground and exploded into plastic shards. My gelding just looked at the fork in disgust and went back to biting the mare. Ha ha.

So, when I went to grab a new DuraFork in front of the feed store, I discovered that they only had small baskets with short handles for kids. Sigh. I should have bought the big ones while they had them. I ended up having to order a new one and will have to wait a few weeks for it to arrive.

Then I went to the market, but had some trouble parking, because these idiots from out of state kept driving up and down the aisles in the wrong direction, and they kept blocking me from being able to turn into the aisles from the right direction in order to pull into a parking space. We have so many tourists in town now because of the holidays.

One of the items I needed was fat-free LactAid. The past two times I went to a different store, they were out and I had to settle for some fatty LactAid or a different brand of fat-free, lactose-free milk. This time I got the very last carton of fat-free LactAid, but I needed two cartons. Since I've had problems obtaining it for three weeks now, the next time I find some in stock, I'm buying all of it, or at least as much as I can use before the expiration date.

Then I remembered that the battery powered LED lights in my barn were dying and I kicked myself for not picking up some of those at the feed store. Then I remembered that the market has always carried them too, so I headed to the lighting and hardware sections, but guess what? They stopped stocking those lights. Sigh.

This theme kept following me throughout the store. I kept getting into situations where I couldn't find what I needed. I began cursing the fact that I live in a small town and began looking forward to moving to a location where conveniences aren't so hard to come by. I grabbed a box of tampons off the shelf and tossed it in my cart. Then I paused and thought, "Wouldn't it be horrible if this town ran out of tampons too?"

I grabbed several more boxes and threw them in my cart. When I got to the register, the guy in line in front of me turned around, looked at all the boxes of tampons in my cart, and froze, as if stunned. He couldn't take his eyes off them. I could see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out why one woman would need so many boxes of tampons. Fortunately, he knew better then to look up at me, and just turned back around, keeping his head bowed to avoid any further embarrassment for either of us.

Undeleted

2012-01-05T14:55:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I deleted this blog back in November, because I was tired of being sick all the time. I didn't want to acknowledge my ongoing illnesses and injuries anymore. I did have one last hurrah over the holidays taking two weeks to suffer through a cold virus, but I've been free and clear of health problems since 2012 began. Whoppee! Five whole days of good health! Let's throw a party! Now maybe I can get back to discussing the original purpose of this blog, which was getting into shape now that I have the energy and strength to exercise.

In the Infirmary Again

2011-11-12T04:05:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've been out of commission again, wondering what the heck is wrong with me. I literally don't get more than one good day a week when I feel healthy and normal. If I had a consistent set of symptoms, I'd have something for a doctor to go on, but my health problems change from day to day and seem completely unrelated, but equally debilitating. My insomnia returned, exacerbated by the fact that I've been obsessing over a photo shoot that could have gone better. I literally couldn't sleep because I couldn't stop thinking about how I could salvage these pictures.

Number one lesson: When you've been consistently broken down physically for a year, don't tell the clients you will have their proofs ready for viewing in two days. I literally could not get out of bed yesterday. I was so desperate for sleep that I took four aspirin, four Midol, my blood pressure medication, and my sleeping pills. That finally did the trick, but now I'm up at 2:00 AM again after only 5 hours of sleep. Still, that's much better than the hour of sleep I got the night before.

Some days I tell myself that I'm sick all the time because this has been the worst allergy "season" in the history of my life, but that doesn't explain all of my symptoms. Other days I tell myself this wouldn't be happening if I could cut back on my responsibilities so that I can concentrate on my diet and exercise. I'm always rushed. I rarely have time to work out anymore. Ridiculous problems keep coming out of left field at me, sucking up all my time. I admit that I've been contemplating finding new homes for my horses, because I don't think I will ever have time for them in the future. My life didn't used to be like this, so I don't really understand why I went from being a happy horse owner to suddenly feeling like I'm overwhelmed having to clean three stalls each day when I barely have the strength to get out of bed or the time to spare.

Usually, I set aside some time on some future date to work out on the gym equipment, only to be sicker than ever on that day, and having to scrap my plans. I'm considering scrapping everything and lowering my expectations to "just make it through the day alive". No more writing goals, nor more reading goals, no more quilting, no more taking care of horses that I should be training and riding, no more photography business, no more settling of the estate, no more getting up every half hour to let the dogs in and out -- just hire some handyman to install a new solid wood door with a doggie door on it, so that I can get some rest.

I'm so pathetic that many times I know that a warm bath would help me feel better, but I can't muster up the energy to even walk into the bathroom and get things ready. When I watch TV or read blogs, I see people do mundane things and think, "Where do they get the energy to do that?"

I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but this is all physical. I have concrete physical obstacles that prevent me from living, yet they are all things I've discussed with doctors in the past, and the doctors have done nothing to help. They aren't concerned, and that's probably because the symptoms do eventually go away. The problem is that they go away only to be replaced by a completely different set of symptoms. It would be like if I broke my leg and couldn't walk for for four months, only to break my arm right after my leg heals, and then just keep breaking different bones consecutively so that I'm never without a physical obstacle. It eats away at you after a while. You feel like you should just be permanently in a wheelchair and driving around with a handicapped sticker on your car, because obviously, your health is never going to change for the better.

Of course, a really good doctor would be examining possibilities like maybe I have a bone disease that's causing all of these breaks, or maybe I'm accident prone because I have a neurological challenge, but none of my doctors are that good. I suspect they all think I'm a hypochondriac. I'm just not sure how I can be a hypochondriac while I have bodily fluids leaking or pouring out every orifice of my body. The mind is a really powerful thing if it can make that happen. Plus, why would anyone subconsciously want all this pain? I can't think of a single thing to motivate me to want to be in this condition. I certainly don't receive any sympathy or assistance from others. I still am expected to live my life and do my own chores despite the day's physical challenges.

There have been some days lately when I've warned my husband that I won't be able to leave the house, and not to be shocked if I stay in bed all day. He just nods and goes about his business. When the kids call home from college, all he has to report to them is that "we are getting old." I want to make myself well enough and strong enough to make it through the holidays. The thought of actually having to go shopping to buy gifts is overwhelming in itself. I can't even go to the market to buy us food. I might have to start buying both food and gifts over the Internet if I can't get past whatever this is.

Ultimately, it makes me realize that when I do get a good day, I have to utilize it wisely. I have to consult my To Do List and strategize which actions to take that will benefit me most. I also have to learn to say no to those who keep imposing on my time and energy. I need some kind of pat phrase to toss out that will shut people down in their tracks and make them never approach me again to ask for favors... something like, "I've only got a few days to live," and it won't be a lie, because everyone really only has a few days to live. Whether it be just a couple of days or tens of thousands of days, we never really know.

Just to put it in perspective, if you lived to be 100 years old, you will have only lived 36,500 days. It doesn't seem like much, does it? I've been alive a little over 17,000 days. My father lived for about 22,500 days. My mother lived for about 28,500 days. Take whatever you can get and use it like money in the bank. And no, I haven't seen that movie yet.

Another Crazy Day Where Everything Happens Simultaneously

2011-11-03T14:03:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I'm having another crazy day. I wake up every morning with a blank slate, or something pretty close to it, and before I know it my day is completely out of control. A storm is moving in, so I had to clean the stalls and clean all the water troughs in case the horses get snowbound in their stalls. But before I could step outside, my business phone rang. I contemplated not answering it, because all I've received are sales calls on that phone over the past year and a half that my photography business has been open. But, gut instinct ordered me to answer.

Good thing I picked up, because it was my first paying customer calling to set up an appointment for a portrait session! Yay! After chatting with her, I scrambled around to get things ready for her appointment. I realized that yesterday was the last day of our Nielsen Ratings survey and I was supposed to get our booklets mailed out to them today, so I ran around stapling and taping things, and then raced the booklets out to the mailbox. After that, I headed out to the barn to do my chores. I could have sworn that I started these barn chores around 9:00 AM, and it was noon when I walked into the house to take a short break while a water trough was filling.

There was a phone message from the microwave repairman saying he was having trouble finding my address, and his computers were down. Say what? I thought he was supposed to come between 1:00 PM and 5:00 PM! I couldn't call him back right away because the water was about to overflow in one of the stalls. As I was on my way out to fix that, I noticed a van in my driveway. It was the microwave repairman! I ran outside and ushered him into the house, apologizing for missing his call and explaining that I've been out at the barn. I showed him the microwave, and started to run out to move the hose, but before I could get out the door, the phone rang. Argh!

It was the company that the microwave repairman works for asking if it's okay if he comes out early. I informed them that he was here, and excused myself to run out and move the hose. Fortunately, the brand new shavings in the stall were still dry and I didn't have to do any flood clean up. The horses were screaming at me for their lunch, so I quickly tossed them some hay, muttering under my breath over how everything seems to always have to happen at once. Noon is my busiest time of day and the worst time for people to call or show up at my house.

I then realized that I had to take down the poles and chains at the end of the driveway so that he didn't back into them on his way out. I excused myself to go do that, and he stopped me to ask for some towels to protect the counter top because he needed to set the microwave on it. I found the towels, then ran outside to move the poles. On the way back in, I discovered that I dropped a bunch of towels between the linen closet and the kitchen, so I had to clean those up.

The dogs started barking and I realized that I left them outside in the windstorm. I grabbed the leashes and brought them in, letting them greet the microwave repairman, and then shut them away in a bedroom with water so that they wouldn't get under his feet.

I realized that I made a mistake in balancing my checkbook the day before and had to correct it before I forgot, so I quickly did that and put together all the outgoing mail, but I missed the mail carrier by a few minutes, so instead I ran outside in hurricane-force winds to pick up the mail. Dust devils were circling all around me and I was getting pelted in the eyeballs. It took all my strength to hang onto the mail between the mailbox and the house.

I sorted through the mail and then realized that I was supposed to have a phone conference with my financial adviser today. I wondered if she tried to call while I was out at the barn and running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I also worried that she might try to call right when the microwave repairman was here, and he would overhear our private conversation. The good news is that I received and email from her last night letting me know that the life insurance company went ahead and honored our claim despite the coroner not being able to determine the cause of death. That saves me from having to hire an attorney to protect my rights. I kind of wonder if my financial adviser told the insurance company that I would be hiring an attorney, and that's what changed their minds.

In the meantime, 12:00 PM turned into 1:00 PM as the microwave repairman kept making mistakes in repairing the microwave, and I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything other than a bowl of cereal since 7:00 AM, but I couldn't get into the kitchen while he was in there, because our kitchen is so tiny and he was struggling getting that heavy built-in up and down from its rack.

I was supposed to be working on my novel today, because the first two days of the NaNoWriMo 50,000-word challenge didn't go so well. I got ridiculously busy running errands during the day and didn't get around to actually writing until evening. Then I fell asleep before I could reach my target word count. Writing is difficult to do at night and on the weekends, because my husband is home and he likes to talk. It's hard to concentrate on writing a novel when someone is talking to you. I have to take advantage of the time when he's away at work, but somehow other things monopolize my time and before I know it, he is walking in the door home from work. Then I have to start dinner and whole 'nother kind of insanity commences.

I tried working on the novel while the microwave repairman was here, but he kept asking me questions, so I couldn't concentrate. He finally left and the first thing I did was grab a sandwich. Before eating, I thought I'd better test out the microwave. I was startled to find that the display wasn't lit up and I tried pushing buttons, but got no response. I raced out of the house and down the driveway to catch the microwave repairman. He came back in and fiddled with it a bit until he got the display working. He left again, and I remembered the dogs were locked up in a bedroom, so I let them out. I went into the kitchen to do something and realized I left my sandwich sitting on the couch. I sprinted into the family room just before Scrappy got a hold of my lunch.

That reminded me of another problem we've been having lately. We keep finding partial loaves of French bread on our lawns. There was one on our back lawn a couple of weeks ago that Scrappy was eating, and I suspected my neighbors threw it over the fence to make him stop barking. Then last night my husband let the dogs out into the front yard, and they picked up a scent. They followed a trail that led to another partial loaf of French bread on our front lawn. It's almost like someone has been picnicking on our property. This freaked my husband out, and he started locking all our gates. I've been telling him for years that I keep finding evidence that we have a squatter or Peeping Tom on our property, and he's always poo-pooed it, but now that he's finding evidence, he's all freaked out about it. If I weren't so dang busy all the time I could set a trap for the guy, but most days are just as crazy as today.

Buried In It

2011-10-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Part of easing one's stress involves learning from past lessons and adjusting or avoiding the situations that cause stress. The requires a good memory, which I am definitely lacking. My day started out good with me having a blank slate, as usual. I put together my list of goals for the day and the week. I could not see a single thing on my schedule that should put a kink in my plans. Then...

...the insanity began. I noticed that I was low on my prescription anti-anxiety medication. I called the pharmacy to order a refill only to be told that there was a problem, and I would have to call the doctor's office. Of course, the receptionist couldn't help me, so she had to take down a message and have the doctor's nurse call me back. As soon as we hung up, I tensed, knowing I just screwed myself. I gave the receptionist my home land line number, and not my mobile phone number, so now I had to stay indoors and sit by the phone until the nurse called. Just great.

Oh well, I tried not to get too stressed out. Maybe I'd get lucky and the nurse would call within the hour. The phone rang and I gleefully picked up, only to find that it was an acquaintance who wanted to talk. She talked for two hours about herself, and as soon as I opened my mouth to respond, she was suddenly too busy to listen and had to go. We hung up and once again, I realized that I screwed myself. The nurse was probably trying to get a hold of me during those two hours that I let this lady tie up my phone line with a meaningless conversation that served no benefit to me. Not only that, but the lady managed to give me several hours of work to do as an assignment before hanging up, as if I didn't already have enough to do.

This is why I normally don't answer the phone. People only call me when they want something from me. They take, take, take and rarely give anything in return. The only reason why I answered was because I thought it was the nurse. I should have told this other lady right away that I couldn't talk and needed to free up the phone line.

The day continued in that fashion, with the phone ringing and it being everyone but the nurse on the other end of the line, and me coming away from the conversation with more items to add to my To Do List. I got angry and said, "Screw it! I'm going outside to clean up the dog poop and horse manure, and the nurse can leave a freakin' message or I'll call her some other day. I am not going to waste another minute of my time answering this stupid phone."

I started cleaning the horse stalls, thinking I could get that job done in about 15 minutes and then move on to the dog poop, however because I recently added two bales of shavings to each stall, it was taking me closer to 15 minutes per stall to do the job because it was taking forever to shake the shavings out of the fork. I was feeling frustrated as more time was slipping away from me. I began mumbling my irritation under my breath until I threw my fork down and blurted out loud, "I cannot believe that one mare can crap this much! This is outrageous! I have places to go and things to do."

I finished the first two stalls after half an hour and moved on to my gelding's stall, only to find that I didn't have the strength to lift his massive piles of manure with my fork. I nearly popped a disk in my spine between my shoulder blades because his poop weighed so much. I know it takes forever to heal from neck and back injuries, so I had to find some other method for cleaning his stall.

I ended up picking up the piles of poop with my gloved hands and throwing them in the wheelbarrow. After about twenty handfuls, I just had random turds scattered about in the stall and I dealt with them by digging like a dog in sand, throwing the shavings and turds out the door between my legs. I knew that once I got them outside on the sand, I could pick them up more easily with the fork, and then return the shavings to the stall.

It must have looked extremely silly to my nosy neighbor, who of course, had to sneak outside to spy on me while I did this, but I was desperate to save time and save my spine. Each time I came out of the stall to clean up what was in the sand, my nosy neighbor found some other reason to loiter nearby me. Her buzzing around like a pesky fly annoys me no end, so I went inside the stall where she couldn't watch me and waited for her to leave. I didn't dare acknowledge her, because it would just lead to more loss, whether it be a loss of time, energy or money, because every time I speak to someone I always end up losing something.

As soon as she thought the show was over, she'd walk to her front door to go inside, and then I would come outside and finish the job I was doing. I came out prematurely before she shut the door behind her, and she spotted me and turned around to come out and loiter some more. So, I went back into the barn and waited for her to leave. This time I waited until she actually shut the front door before I went back outside. I thought she was gone, and then I looked up to see all three of my horses standing at attention looking into her yard. The woman had sneaked out the back door, around the side of her house and was hiding behind her car spying on me. I'm sure she was also standing behind my barn eavesdropping on me when I was complaining about how much my mare shat.

I considered calling out the woman's name and telling her I'm a schizophrenic, and it's best that she not give me more reason to be paranoid, because there's no telling what I'd do. I grew up next door to a schizophrenic as a child, and that lady could make our lives a nightmare when she was off her medication. I've also been shot at by a schizophrenic. So, I figured that kind of threat might make her think twice about being so nosy and intrusive. But, as usual, I just went back inside my house so that she would go back inside hers. I left my manure cleaning chore incomplete and headed to the other side of my house to clean up dog poop.

Again, I thought I was alone and noticed one of my dogs taking a series of huge dumps. I made a comment out loud about it, heard a noise behind me, and turned around to find another neighbor lurking in the bushes eavesdropping and spying on me. I went in the house and left that chore incomplete as well. I guess I'll have to come out with a flashlight at midnight if I want some privacy while cleaning my yards.

The day from hell still isn't over, nor has the nurse called. I want my anti-anxiety medication, please. Either that or I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. Either one is fine, but both is better.

What the Heck is Going On?

2011-10-17T06:57:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I would swear that I have been sick every other day, occasionally two days in a row for the past several months. Either I have some disease and am dying, or it's allergies -- and this is the world's longest allergy season. My ongoing symptoms include headaches, a dripping nose, nausea, chills, lethargy, diarrhea, insomnia, and difficulty walking. How bizarre it that?

I stopped drinking milk, but really wanted something to pour on some cereal, so I tried both Silk Original and Silk Vanilla and nearly puked. Drinking soy just doesn't cut it for me. I found Lactaid to be a good substitute, because it still tastes like milk minus the lactose. However, as soon as I started pouring Lactaid on my cereal, the cramps and diarrhea started up again. Apparently, I'm milk-intolerant, not just lactose-intolerant.

I suspect the sinus part of my allergies is mostly due to blooming sagebrush, which only lasted for a couple of weeks in years past, but for some reason has lasted for several months this year. If I could move out of Nevada, that would solve that problem. I've been waiting for a check from the life insurance company, so I can fix up this house and move, only to be denied the money. Why? Because my mother's cause of death was undetermined. I thought people die of natural causes every day and the exact cause is undetermined, but their loved ones can still collect on the insurance.

Corporate greed strikes again... and so does my depression. Every day I wake up with more symptoms of who knows what and get more bad news from people who seem set on making my life more difficult. Sometimes the only self-defense is to just not care anymore.

Connecting the Dots

2011-10-07T07:58:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Each week I have good days and bad days healthwise. Approaching 50 is nothing like your younger years when you just took for granted that you would wake up each morning feeling just as good as you did the day before... and, of course, "good" was just normal. At 50, not having any aches or pains or bizarre dysfunctional internal organ behavior is considered "good". Being able to sleep is considered "good".

I made a connection regarding my insomnia this morning. For a while I was doing well sleeping with the help of a little pill. However, that little pill eventually stopped working and I had to add another sleep aid on top of that. I'm not at the point that Michael Jackson was when he was so desperate for a good night's sleep, but I have learned that just because sleeping is a normal part of the human body doesn't mean that the human body will always allow it to happen.

I didn't get much sleep the night before last. Temperatures dropped from around 80 degrees down to below freezing over a matter of hours and I put on a turtleneck sweater. I played a video game that made me nauseated. I had to shut it down, and when I tried to stand up I was hit was both extreme nausea and chills. I laid down right where I was and curled unto a ball under the closest blanket I could reach.

I must have laid there for an hour feeling like every cell in my body was frozen and buzzing with dis-ease. I couldn't imagine that the flu could hit me that quick, or even that a video game could make me that ill that fast. My coldness eventually overwhelmed by nausea, so I got up and wrapped myself in a coat. Two hours later, I still wasn't feeling better, so I assumed my blood pressure must be up. I took a blood pressure pill and both the chills and nausea slowly dissipated. I'm supposed to take the blood pressure pill every 12 hours, but I had taken the previous one really early in the morning, which forced me to take my evening pill earlier in the afternoon.

I took my sleeping pill in the evening several hours later, and had a full night's sleep as a result. This morning it hit me. The sleeping pill stopped working when I started taking both the blood pressure pill and the sleeping pill simultaneously. Back when the sleeping pill was working, I took it several hours after taking the blood pressure pill. So, apparently I have to get my blood pressure down before the sleeping pill can do its job.

It seems like an obvious thing now, but how many of us pay that close attention to our habits?

If One Thing In Life Is Guaranteed...

2011-09-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

If one thing in life is guaranteed, it is that on the day I throw on sweats and commit myself to doing nothing but working out, something will come up at the last minute to ruin my plans. Yes, I will set aside an entire day to focus on my health. I wear sweats that I would never wear in public, and I skip putting on make-up because I don't want it clogging my pores when I perspire.

I did this on Monday, but had to pay the bills before I worked out. I paid them and balanced the checkbook, delivered the payments to the mailbox, and as I was walking back in the door, all amped up for my workout, I heard a man's voice talking. My real estate agent was leaving a message on my answering machine. I picked up the receiver to find out that the buyers want to move in two weeks early, which means that they want escrow to close this Friday!

That meant that I had to bring up my computer and email, print out some documents, fill them in, and then drive to the county offices for the Registrar to notarize my signatures. Then I had to drive to the opposite end of town to ship the papers overnight via UPS. Of course, first I had to put on presentable clothes and make-up. Sigh. By the time I got done with it all, my husband was walking in the door from work. I only got 10 minutes on the bicycle and 10 minutes on the treadmill before I had to fix dinner and do barn chores.

No problem. I can always make tomorrow my workout day, right? Nope. The farrier called and said he's coming first thing this morning to remove Gabbrielle's shoes and trim everyone's hooves. Okay, so that should only take 2 hours, but I guarantee that as soon as I wash off my make-up and throw on those sweats, something else will come up.

I have never been so busy as I am now while unemployed. In addition to taking better care of my health, I'm supposed to be practicing my photography, but somehow day after day I only have time to run out onto my own property to take the same old shots. I've had plans all year to travel to different destinations and work on my collection of old barn and landscape photographs, but am still waiting to get an entire day without any appointment to make those trips. It's only a matter of weeks before I run out of dry weather. Each week I get caught up in a whirlwind of activity and always find myself saying, "Next week I'll do what I planned to do this week..."

Is there anybody who truly has control over her own schedule?

Kids Say the Darndest Things

2011-09-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I am aware that though I've had a slight weight gain since last year, my clothes still fit fairly loose and I am toned up. I haven't felt terribly body conscious lately. Then it happened.

I was visiting a friend, who had another friend visiting, who had two very young children. We were all sitting on the lawn when we decided to get up and go. My friend was walking the little girl to the bathroom while I was heading home. The little girl said, "Why is that lady's butt so big?"

My friend immediately started touching her own butt and said, "Mine?"

The little girl pointed directly at me and said, "No, her! Why is her butt so big?"

My friend got embarrassed and just said in an annoyed tone, "I don't know."

I wanted to say to my friend, "So, you are agreeing that I have a big butt? Why don't you come to my defense?"

It was all rather humorous, but it also made me wonder how many people this child has been exposed to. Though I am not the ideal weight, I am certainly a lot less round than most people. I'm just middle aged with some pockets of fat in my rear, belly and thighs, like most women. Oh well, I'm sure the child spoke the truth, so I guess it's time to hit the treadmill again.

Down For the Count

2011-09-16T15:29:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

After feeling so much better once milk was cut out of my diet, I had another setback. I woke up this morning feeling perfectly fine, made a list of everything I wanted to get done during the day, started the first thing on the list, which was working out on the exercise equipment, when all of the sudden I was hit was extreme nausea, a headache, and a runny nose. It was like someone turned on the faucet and drained my brain.

I took an antihistamine, which promptly put me to sleep, and I lost the majority of the day. I awoke to nervous dogs who needed to go outside to pee, and very hungry horses. Once I took care of them, I staggered to the mailboxes and back, and tried to muster up the energy and focus to be able to pay the latest batch of unexpected bills. Having never owned a home before, I didn't know that the mortgage company sends you bills on top of your monthly payments every once in a while. I guess that's what happens when governments keep raising taxes -- your original mortgage payment becomes obsolete. Anyway, upon sitting down I noticed orange sage brush pollen all over my black pants! Well, that explains why I'm so sick. I have really got to move out of Nevada. I'm tired of feeling like I'm dying every September and October.

Need Ideas for Breakfast Meals

2011-09-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

So, it is looking like I have become lactose-intolerant in my middle age, because I haven't had any milk in the past week and all of my digestive tract problems and lethargy have gone away. I'm starting to feel human again.

So far as a substitute for eating cereal in the mornings I've been eating bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes, oatmeal, omelets, English muffins, raisin bread toast, and NutriGrain bars. The problem is that I spend way too much time washing skillets. I'm looking for something to eat for breakfast that I can just grab and devour and go without any clean up. The NutriGrain bars, toast and muffins fit that requirement, but they aren't filling. Any suggestions? I don't really want to just start eating 3 or 4 NutriGrain bars. Instant oatmeal is pretty quick, but I'm always fussing with the temperature. Like Goldie Locks and her porridge, it's always too hot or too cold. It takes precise preparation to make it just right.

I don't eat fruit, so that is out of the picture. I just drink fruit juices. I'm allergic to bananas and almonds. Instant Breakfast drink used to be very filling for me, but you are supposed to mix that with milk. So, now I've got this huge tub of Instant Breakfast that I can't use. I have used milk substitutes such as Silk in the past, and it tasted too much like chalk after a while, so I quit.

Also, on top of everything else, I've been experiencing breast pain in just one breast. I suspect I have a gland infection. I told the nurse about it, and she just gave me a breast exam and ordered a mammogram. You may remember that I put off getting one this year because mammograms are expensive and our health insurance benefits have been cut way back to virtually nothing. I didn't want to complicate matters by having a big medical bill on top of having to pay off our debts, my mother's debts and my brother's debts while unemployed.

Of course, I've never had breast problems in my life until this one year when all hell broke loose in my financial affairs, and now I have to get one whether I can afford it or not. It figures.

When I called the office to schedule an appointment, the scheduler's computer broke down as soon as she started talking to me. She had to transfer me to someone else, and that lady cut me off and talked right over me while I was telling her what I needed and where I needed it. Because she wouldn't let me speak except for when spoken to, the process probably took twice as long as needed, because I had to wait for her to ask me the questions one by one, and then I had to repeat my answers. I've run into a lot of these control freak types when making phone calls lately. Doesn't anyone ever just listen now-a-days?

Also, the nurse just said to me, "I'm sending you to Karen for your colonoscopy, and I'm putting the order into my computer."

I was like, "Okay."

I expected this Karen person to call me to set up an appointment, and no one has called. Talk about miscommunication. I guess I was just supposed to know who Karen was. It's not like I've ever had a colonoscopy before. I'm not familiar with all the gastroenterologists in my area. Now before you tell me to look it up on the Internet, I already have, and there are no female gastroenerologists in the city, so Karen was probably the name of the nurse, if I'm even remembering the name correctly.

So, this means I have to call my doctor's office and have them look in my file to see who exactly I was referred to and where they are located. (It's a good thing this referral wasn't an emergency.) But first I want to give this lactose intolerance theory a couple more weeks, because maybe I can skip the colonscopy all together if my symptoms don't return. Then I can save myself more money and time. It's so nice having the energy to exercise again. I was getting pretty tired of sleeping all day and night.

The Scoop

2011-09-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I made it into the city to see the A.P.N. on my third attempt. Here are her diagnoses for my usual slew of health problems:

1. I may be lactose-intolerant, so I have to cut all milk out of my diet for one month and see if my symptoms improve.

2. She's referring me to get a colonoscopy since cancer runs in my family.

3. My afternoon nausea and headaches are probably caused by allergies, because my throat is a bumpy mess.

4. My blood pressure is good, so we're not changing my current prescription.

5. The pain I feel in my legs and my inability to walk after standing up from a sitting position can probably be fixed with more regular exercise. She wants me to just walk, but it seems I already do spend half of my day walking or running around from here to there. But I'll step up my exercises anyway and see if it helps.

I've noticed a pattern in recent years in which I develop a whole slew of odd health problems between September and November. I suspect much of it must be allergies to whatever is blooming then. I hope this is all stuff that will go away, because for the past week I've been feeling like I'm dying.

Lucky?

2011-09-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

After proclaiming that I was going to focus on my physical health, all hell broke loose with my body. First, I went from being an insomniac to not being able to stay awake. I tried to push past it by exercising, thinking I just needed to kick that adrenaline into gear. I cut out a prescribed medication that made me sleepy and stopped drinking coffee, which messes with my digestive tract.

I've been working out on our in-home equipment and went hiking. I felt fine, and then all of the sudden on the drive back home I was overwhelmed with nausea. I thought I was going to have to pull off at the next turnout, open the driver's side door, and vomit in front of my friend.

Fortunately, the feeling only lasted for about two minutes, but I was confused as to how I could go from feeling fine to feeling like I had to projectile vomit within a matter of seconds. Usually there are other symptoms that warn you when you are coming down with the flu or food poisoning.

That night my eyes started burning so badly that I turned off the ceiling fan because it was blowing air on my eyeballs and it hurt too much. The next morning I awoke with abdominal cramps, a headache, ear aches, sore throat, chills, and the inability to stay awake. I slept most of the day, and when I was awake I felt frustrated that once again I was too sick to focus on my physical health.

I had plans to go to the farmer's market to buy some fruit and vegetables. It is only open during the summer months on Wednesday mornings. I suspect this was my last chance to go and I missed it.

Fortunately, I awoke this morning feeling fine thanks to NyQuil. I've been running errands and doing chores non-stop until just now when I felt the need to sit down and relax. I had an interesting thing happen. For Sunday Stills I posted pictures of a praying mantis and a couple of people told me that a praying mantis is a sign of good luck. I had to laugh at that and thought, "Maybe good luck for others, but my luck still hasn't changed."

Then this morning I walked into the bank and was the first in line. The teller said, "You must be a very lucky person."

"Why's that?" I asked.

She said, "Because you arrived at the perfect time when no one else was in line. Just a few minutes before you arrived, we had customers lined up all the way out the door and into the parking lot for two hours straight."

Wow. That was lucky, and I would have never known it had the teller not informed me. I detest long lines. There are so many better things I can be doing with my time besides waiting. I'm also spoiled from living in what used to be a small town for so many years. I'm used to getting served right away. I guess someone is smiling down on me today. I hope this keeps up, and that illness squeezed out that last of whatever it was that has been plaguing me for so long.

Energy Depletion

2011-08-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

For the past two Saturdays in a row, I embarrassed myself by repeatedly falling asleep wherever I was -- in a chair, on the couch, on the bed, even on the floor. It was bizarre. I had no control over it. I just keep getting hit with waves of exhaustion and next thing I knew I'd be waking up from a deep sleep. Upon waking up, it took all of my effort to sit up, and walking was very painful. Usually, I'd try to do something like get something to eat or feed the horses, and then I'd crash again.

This is very unlike me. I have every day planned out with a list of tasks I plan to get done, but whatever the heck is going on with my body makes it impossible for me to even do the most basic activities. I watch TV and see people doing activities that I can't do because I don't have the energy and feel too much generalized pain. Then I start worrying that something is very wrong. It's like I'm developing narcolepsy and fibromyalgia at the same time.

After all that sleeping during the day, I'd expect to be up all night, but I feel like I'm slipping into sleep even as I type this post. The only two things I can think of that these two Saturdays had in common is that I took my regular medications, but did not have my usual two tumblers of caffeine in the morning. It occurred to me that I may be over-medicating myself and haven't noticed, because I'm usually a coffee addict, which counters all the medications that make me sleepy.

So, I'm going to experiment with cutting back on my medications while giving up coffee, and I'll see if I have the energy to actually complete some of the tasks on my To Do List. In the meantime, nighty night.

Refocusing on Physical Health

2011-08-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I received a phone call from my doctor last week informing me that she will give me on last refill of my prescription medication, and if I want any more beyond that, I have to come in for an annual physical.

Cough. Cough.

I had no idea I was due, and I don't pay any attention to how many refills are left on my prescriptions. I just put all of my prescriptions on auto-refill. I managed to postpone my appointment for a couple of weeks, which will give me a chance to lose a few pounds and improve my cholesterol by eating oatmeal and Cheerios for breakfast.

I've been neglecting my physical health in part because it has been such a turbulent year, and in part because we lost our good health insurance when I got laid off from my job. My husband put me on his so-so health insurance, and then along came the threat of ObamaCare and we lost what little employer-contribution insurance we had. It was replaced by a special bank account we are required to keep specifically for medical bills. A portion of my husband's check has to go into that account, which makes it more difficult for us to pay our other bills.

Anyway, I stopped seeing my OB/GYN and stopped getting mammograms. My general practitioner figured that out and said she would do the exams that I missed. At least I cut it down to one doctor. She asked how my blood pressure had been, and I hesitated. "Ummm, I don't know. I haven't been monitoring it," I said.

The doctor got angry with me and said that I had better start monitoring it and bring the stats to our meeting. So, I took my blood pressure this morning and it was considerably higher than it was last year. That won't make the doctor happy. She had given me specific directions on how to bring my blood pressure down. I followed her program for a while until all hell broke loose in my life, and then I completely forgot about it. I just kept taking this pill twice a day without really thinking about what it was for. I wondered if my high blood pressure was a result of all the stress I've been under. Then I looked at myself in a full-length mirror and was shocked to see how wide I have grown.

I've been too scattered to even think about weighing myself, but I've noticed that all my sleeveless tops dig into my shoulder blades. I thought they had just shrunk, but that's not the case. I've retained weight all over my body as opposed to just in the thighs or tummy. That's the worst kind of weight gain because your shape doesn't visibly change. You just gradually expand in all directions and before you know it, you are obese and you never saw it coming.

I actually thought I was losing weight with all the moving of furniture and boxes, and running up and down stairs that I've been doing over the past few months. However, after I returned from my last trip, my husband bought me some raspberry chocolate ice cream as a gift to help me feel better. It was the most delicious ice cream on earth, and he made sure that the carton was reserved for me and only me. I hate to blame it all on the ice cream, but something triggered my demise and I don't know what else could have caused such a big weight gain.

The one other time I gained a huge amount of weight over a short period of time was when my mother broke her leg. I had to leave my home, family and job to take care of her for a couple of months. My mother was in the hospital recovering from having her bone replaced on my birthday, so I had no one to celebrate my birthday with. I went to the store to buy myself a little slice of cake or a cupcake, but then I saw two of the most delicious full-sized cakes on earth -- stuff you just can't find in bakeries in my small town. I bought both of them thinking my mother would share them with me when she got out of the hospital, but she didn't get out. She was transferred to hospice care. So, I ate both cakes by myself over a period of a couple of weeks.

The amount of work it took to get that extra weight off was incredible and I vowed to never make that mistake again. What saddens me this time around is that the most obvious symptom of my weight gain is foot pain. It's almost as if I weigh so much that my own feet can't hold me up. Once I start crossing over that line, the foot pain prevents me from doing aerobic exercises, which limits my ability to lose weight. I have to diet before I can really, truly exercise. I just find it odd that I always seem to gain weight over summer. That's when I am most physically active, so I don't understand why this keeps happening. Could it be because the majority of my family's birthdays are during the summer months, and we always eat cake to celebrate? Duh.

Anyway, on the mental health front, I took Maia's suggestion of focusing on what I want instead of on everything that's going wrong. I meditated every day while thinking positive affirmations that I will get what I want. I actually changed the affirmations to "I am getting" what I want at this very moment. I even bought a book that discusses the differences in wave lengths of positive affirmations vs. negative thoughts and how you attract what you think and say.

So far, nothing really bad has happened to me, but nothing good has happened either. All the things I want that I said would happen didn't happen. However, I'm happy as long as nothing bad is happening. Firefighters put out the majority of that wildfire that was headed my way. I walked some dogs at the animal shelter yesterday and saw a few isolated trails of smoke where the fire flared up, but there wasn't much left to burn.

Both of my kids got caught in a stampede at a concert. My daughter got pinned against a door and my son ran away from the crowd. Several kids broke their ankles and arms, but my kids came out of it unscathed and have learned their lesson to stay away from mobs. Midge, my Corgi, has been sick and vomiting on the carpet a lot, but I think it is just from eating grass. She has her appetite and is acting normal otherwise. I call vomit on the carpet "par for the course". I suppose I should raise my expectations, and then I might have better days.

I did see one glimmer of hope for the local economy. There is an electric store in town that also serves as a UPS and FedEx hub. I went there to drop off more paperwork to settle my mother's estate, and saw a Help Wanted sign on the door. They need two people: An electrician journeyman, which I am not, and part-time counter help, which I could do. I have always wanted to work just a few minutes from my house. It makes the drive a lot easier in the winter time. So, doors are opening a crack and things that could have been really bad turned out okay this week.

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 79. I'll have to figure out some way to celebrate. Perhaps she'll come and visit me, and I could ask her to use her influence on the other side to get the world to cut me some more slack and perhaps make something actually go swimmingly well for me.

One Choice Down

2011-08-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Historically, my body tells me whether or not a job will work out for me. If I get instantly ill and develop a high fever either during the job interview or on my first day on a job, that's a definite sign that I'm going down the wrong path. I have actually turned down two job offers because of my body rejecting them. The one time I took a job despite having a 104 degree body temperature, I absolutely hated it. I spent every minute of every day planning my escape out of that job. I told myself never again. If I get sick during a job interview, I need to move on.

So, I went into this job interview recently feeling good about it. My skills and experience qualified me for the job, the office was only a 12-minute drive from the house, so I could go home to let the dogs in and out and feed the animals. It seemed like deal to me.

I walked into the building, and the receptionist was friendly. She handed me a packet of papers to fill out and then left for her lunch break. My interview was in five minutes, so I felt pressured to hurry up and fill in all the forms. The man who interviewed me kept coming out to check on my progress, but it was such a huge amount of paperwork and even with me writing as fast as I could, I really needed about 40 minutes to complete the packet. I finally gave up and just signed it without filling in a lot of the questions, so that we could get on with the interview.

Then he expressed concern that I may not be able to move fast enough for him, in part because I took so long with the paperwork, and in part because he had sent me an email the previous morning asking me to call him, and I did not. So, he had to call me and leave a message asking me to call him. I'm a rancher. I spend the majority of my time outdoors doing chores and running errands. I don't sit at a desk reading emails and answering a phone like he does, so I didn't see his message until late in the afternoon. He was disappointed, because he wanted to interview me that very day. He just kept saying, "We move fast here. I expect immediate responses."

He then went on to explain that he expects his employees to work 80 hours a week on a 40-hour a week salary. We have to keep our schedules flexible so that if he needs us to work nights or weekends or holidays, we can. As he described the operating procedures of his company, my nose started running and I didn't have a tissue, so I had to keep sniffing the mucous back up inside. I was thinking how this sounds so much like the last four jobs I had, and in all cases I was basically in a slave labor camp and had no personal time.

He fired off questions at me, and before I could get two words out of my mouth, he'd cut me off and fire off another question. All I could figure out was that he wasn't really interested in my answers, but he was trying to either get me to speak faster and to the point or he was trying to frustrate me so that he could see how I respond under pressure. When he wasn't testing me, he seemed like a nice enough guy. I didn't think I would have problems working with him or anyone else I met in the company, but his insistence on being speedy in everything you do and say was a bit over the top.

I'm sure I appeared to be calm and collected during his rapid fire interview, but little did he know that I took double my usual dose of anti-anxiety medication just to make it through the interview without spontaneously combusting from the effects of my own nerves.

Then he got to the topic of salary and benefits. That's when my eyes started burning and I began developing a headache, ear aches, and a sore throat. What he wanted to offer me was less than I made in an internship position when I first started out working in this field 12 years ago. What he offered me I could make while serving people donuts and coffee or making sandwiches in a sandwich shop, and these other jobs would by far less stressful. These other jobs also would not require overtime. Plus these other jobs would be hourly wages, so I'd actually get paid for every hour I put in, so there's actually a chance I could make more money serving donuts and coffee than I can working round the clock doing complicated engineering tasks.

Then there's the benefits. The company offers medical insurance, but they only contribute $100 a year to it. That's ridiculous. I may as well continue putting money into a special account set aside for medical bills. I pretty much told the guy that the salary was way too low for a person of my experience and skills. He agreed and said he'd talk to some people to see if they would allow him to offer me more.

By the time I left the office I felt a chill and knew a fever was forming. I was so out of it that I barely noticed the fact that they had closed off my street to through traffic because of a wildfire. My husband had to come home from his job and point it out to me.

This morning I have been exploring different scenarios. Even though the salary is terrible, it would patch that leak in our checking account and help us break even every month. We wouldn't get ahead, though, and our expenses are going to go up considerably in February when we have to start paying off this year's college loans. So, this job would only be a temporary fix.

Worst case scenario was that I don't take the job, can't find another job, don't ever receive any of my inheritance because the house doesn't sell and the death certificates are rejected, and I'm forced to pay off the loan on the house in order to prevent us from being homeless. In that case, in less than a year we will be bankrupt.

Best case scenario was that my mother's house sells and all of the other avenues to collect on inheritance are processed quickly, I am reimbursed for what I put into settling her debts and no longer have to pay her bills, I pay off the kids' college loans, move to a more spacious ranch where I can have peace, quiet and privacy, and spend the rest of my days writing books for a living.

Chances are, there will be mixed results somewhere in between. I also think about my age a lot. I have high blood pressure, hypertension, an essential tremor, an anxiety disorder, and irritable bowel syndrome. In other words, I should not be in a high-stress, high pressure work environment. I should be selling women's clothing in a department store, not punching buttons as fast as I can, answering two phones, ten emails, and five instant messages all at the same time.

Another part of me says I should just bite the bullet and work while my kids are in college to pay off their loans. I can do my writing and photography later. But can I? What if this irritable bowel syndrome is something more sinister? Pretty much everyone on my father's side of the family has died from cancer. It's not that far-fetched of a thought since I already am at high risk of getting cancer. In that case, wouldn't it make more sense to do something I enjoy, even if it doesn't bring in a regular income?

I'm torn between doing the safe, responsible thing to cover the worst case scenario and not letting myself get distracted from my dreams and keeping the faith that everything will turn out alright. I did spend some time meditating this morning on it. I tried washing away the curse or black cloud or whatever it is that keeps sending wildfires and other threats my way, and imagining myself being wrapped in a white light, and protected by a guardian angel. I said affirmations that were as ambitious as possible, such as, "A serious buyer will make an offer on my mother's house today at the amount of my asking price."

My husband's idea was that I could take the job and then quit once some money comes in from another source, but that's just not fair to the employer who will have invested a lot of his time into training me. I already know that he's been looking for someone to fill this position for two months, and everyone has turned down the job because the salary was so low.

The guy sent me an email congratulating me on getting the job. He did offer me a salary at the top of his original range, but it was still outrageously low -- a lot less than I made in an entry level position 12 years ago. He wanted me to start today or tomorrow, despite me saying that the soonest I could start would be Monday. I needed time to finish taking care of some responsibilities around the house. I think the pushiness of his message clinched my decision for me.

But first I wanted to take the dogs for a long walk to clear my head and make sure that turning down the job was what I really wanted to do. I felt as if getting out of the house might give me a fresh perspective. The dog walk turned into a fiasco when we discovered that the park was loaded with trucks and tractors building a skate park. There was a lot of roaring and crashing and beeping and horn blowing. My Corgi was scared to death and kept running around me in circles wrapping her leash around my legs and tripping me. Then some strange man showed up and I had to put all my concentration into avoiding him, because he was watching me closely and acting strangely. By the time we got home, I realized that I didn't even get to clear my head and think because of all the activity around us.

So, I went out to feed the horses, and realized that for the third day in a row I meant to take the horses out to pasture for lunch, but did not have the time. I had too many other things to do. So, I cut open another bale of hay and couldn't get the slices separated. After struggling with that, I thought, "I probably could have gotten the horses out to the pasture faster than this."

Then it hit me that if I'm under this much pressure to get things done in a timely manner at home when I don't have a job, just think how hard it will be for me to work at top speeds in a high-stress work environment and then come home for just a couple of waking hours each day and try to get everything done at home that I normally need to do in a day. I went inside the house to decline the job offer, and the Internet cut out.

"What does that mean?" I thought. I was literally being blocked from declining the job. I mean, I could always call, but still I tend to pay attention to little coincidences. I started worrying again that perhaps I was making the wrong decision by turning down the job, and I dwelled on it some more. While waiting for the Internet to come back, I started doing cleaning chores around the house, and every little thing I tried to do turned into a fiasco and took way longer to get done than it should have because all these obstacles kept getting in my way.

Earlier I tried to drive out to the Animal Shelter to walk some dogs, but was detoured in a circle back to my house, because the highway was closed down due to the fire. I felt trapped because I couldn't even leave my own neighborhood. Then I started thinking about how trapped I felt in my last job, and how I didn't want to feel that way again.

One of the things I planned to do this week was to drive down to Mono Lake (a 3-hour trip one-way) and catch some images on my camera at sunset, but now because of this fire I can't even do that. I'm always telling myself to take advantage of opportunities while I have them, because you can take nothing for granted. Simple things like having access to a road, having the Internet, being able to flush a toilet, having water, having electricity -- all these things have become extremely unreliable in my life. That's a big part of why I want to move out of this area.

But if I think that way, then I should accept this job offer. Right? It's an opportunity. I went back and forth so much on it, and when the Internet finally returned, I wrote a letter declining the offer before I could change my mind. I had to go with my gut and not my logic. There will be better opportunities down the road. I just need to be patient. In the meantime, you will find me cranking out ebooks, because that is what I truly love to do.

Life Assessment

2011-08-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Another night of insomnia, so another blog post from me. I was just looking at my iGoogle page wondering why Google put a squashed mosquito on the sidebar, and then realized it really was a squashed mosquito I smashed against my laptop screen just a few moments before, but forgot about.

I had planned to spend the evening contemplating how to get my life back. I think about my life and how to make it better during fleeting moments throughout each day, but my thoughts are always interrupted before I can complete them. I forget about my ideas, just like I forgot about the mosquito I killed.

Anyway, I just wanted one evening when no one would interrupt or distract me, so I could lay my life flat on the table and assess it. I need to make some decisions regarding my financial downfall. I need a regular income. $5 a month from book sales isn't cutting it for me. I've completely given up on ever seeing any of my inheritance. Banks, life insurance companies, and employers are money grubbers. They'll make every excuse in the book for why they can't cut a check that is rightfully yours.

I don't want to give up on my writing career and photography business, but I have to find some way to pay the bills until I start receiving an income from those avenues. I'm looking at options such as selling valuables and vehicles. I'm considering finding new homes for my horses, so that someone who isn't getting laid off from her job every few years can take care of them. I've always said I would never give up my horses, but there comes a time when you have no energy left to deal with anything. You've been officially drained and nothing matters anymore. You try to care, but what's the point? A two-ton brick is just going to drop on top of you as soon as you do.

Kids are returning to school already and I've spent hardly any time this summer working with or riding my horses. Each week I say to my horses, "Just one more week and then I'll be able to pay attention to you." That week comes and goes and then the next week gets filled up with appointments and problems.

Obviously, I've got my share of worries, but before I could come up with a game plan to get my life back, I received a series of phone messages from a relative who claimed to have some kind of emergency (something I call "not budgeting your own income responsibly") and needed me to wire money to him immediately at 9:00 on a Saturday night. This is a relative who has worn out his welcome. He has these financial emergencies just about once a month. He seems to believe that I inherited millions of dollars when my mother died, but that couldn't be further from the truth. All I am is deeper in debt while paying her bills on top of mine.

He's a swindler who uses the technique of insisting the money must be delivered now, and he gets this urgent tone in his voice that gets my adrenaline going. I already have anxiety issues, and he pushes me over the edge by making his problems my problems. His method is to get me to part with my money before I even have time to think about it. I'm tired of his games, so I don't answer or return his calls anymore.

So, he called twice again this evening when I was trying to take just ten minutes to sit on the patio and read a book to relax. My husband picked up and told him that he's upsetting me, that it's not okay to be constantly bugging me for money, and that if he doesn't stop, my husband will personally fly to his place (it's over a thousand miles away) and kick his hiney. Only my husband didn't use as nice a word.

Normally, I would have been upset over my husband's mafioso ways, but it's probably for the better. I've got my own problems trying to find a job so I can put my two kids through college and pay the endless influx of bills, and I can't afford to let one more person ride on my shoulders. When you consider that this relative was pestering me for cash even before I buried my mother, he deserves the tongue-lashing he got.

My husband has been encouraging me to get back into training my horses, because he knows that makes me happy. I did take about 45 minutes this afternoon to lunge all three horses, and that activity allowed me to forget about my troubles. Bombay even got me laughing when he and I ran off together and tried to ditch the mares. I like to get exercise by taking my horses for a run -- meaning me running and leading a trotting or loping horse beside me on a rope.

But first I applied for a job, and amazingly the human resources department was working on a Sunday, so I had to fill out a questionnaire in addition to sending them my resume and cover letter. I probably put 3 hours into the whole process and will have to dig out my old files from my last job to brush up for an interview. I haven't had to prepare a resume and fill out an application in probably 15 years, because employers usually call me and ask me to come work for them. This is the first time in a long time that I've had to sell myself. My reputation no longer precedes me.

These are desperate times. I suspect the job doesn't even pay half of what I'm used to, but if it offers health insurance it might be worth considering. They did warn me that I would have to be flexible and work strange shifts. Geez. I'm not a night person. I can't imagine working late at my age. I'm usually in bed by 8:00 PM when I can actually sleep. All I know is that I'm entering a new era of my life, and I hope it's at least better than the mess I'm emerging from now.

Going Green... Or Not

2011-08-04T06:51:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

One of the problems that presented itself with my mother's passing is the number of trees being chopped down to deliver her junk mail and charity solicitations. I forwarded all of her mail to my address, believing that after a certain amount of time, all the unwanted mail will go away because it is not first class.

Unfortunately, the owners of this unwanted mail put some kind of flag on it to get the post office to notify them when the address of the person changes. So, now all of that unwanted mail is arriving in my name and address instead of my mother's name and address. That means that unless I am willing to give up hundreds of hours of my time contacting each offender and asking them to take me off their mailing list, I'm stuck having to spend several minutes of each day sorting through and throwing out dozens of pieces of mail.

Previously, I did a pretty good job of blocking both phone and mail solicitors. I knew that whatever was taking up space in my mailbox was only from people who legitimately had reasons to contact me. Now my extra large mailbox is hardly large enough to hold all the wasted paper.

What astounds me is the technique of these solicitors. They send huge envelopes that appear to be very important and stuff them with 10 or 12 pages of literature in all different sizes, all saying the same thing. It's as if they think they are providing a size of paper to fit each personality and the chances are that each person will read at least one of those pieces of paper. My technique is to slice the envelope open, dump all the contents into the trash followed by the envelope itself. As the papers are falling through the air, I glance at them to make sure they aren't something important disguised as a solicitation.

If you live in a big city, chances are you have some way to recycle all this paper, but if you live in a rural area or smaller town like me, no such services are available.

Oh, and I must take another jab at Staples. After using my Staples Rewards Card for years and never seeing any rewards, I was told I had to register it on their website. Of course, their website failed, so I had to get a clerk in the store to register me. After that I started receiving three unwanted emails a day from Staples. I bought a bunch of expensive items, and the next time I went into the store to purchase more printer ink, I received a whopping reward of 1 cent. All those intrusive emails are hardly worth that kind of a discount. Of course, emails usually contain a link you can click to unsubscribe, but it's rarely as easy as that. You are usually taken to a website where you are made to fill out a form, so that the enemy can collect even more information on you. Who's got time for that, especially when they may be receiving hundreds of unwanted emails?

So, what is a person to do? Our federal government solved the excessive phone call problem by creating the National No Call List, which has worked about 90% of the time for me. I still get those rogue, illegal robo-calls that tell me to press 1 now to speak to someone live. Of course, once you do that, the company legally has the right to contact you because you did business with them by pressing 1. Your only hope to get rid of them is to report them, if you know what number they are calling from and other details.

Then there's the politicians who have excluded themselves from being held back by the National No Call List. We have a local politician who sends us a robo-call every few weeks telling us to press 1 to enter his town meeting. It's always around dinner time when people are tired and hungry after a hard day's work and the last thing they want is to sit in a meeting. The year before an election is always the most painful, as hard-working families get bombarded with dozens of recorded phone calls from politicians who have the most meaningless messages filled with negativity and personal attacks on their competitors. Why must citizens get dragged into these feuds? Let us seek out what information we want on our own time like we used to be allowed to do in the good old days. Let TV and the newspapers do their jobs.

Perhaps we need a National No Mail List, a National No Email List, and a National No Politics List as well. Life if short. I spend way too much of it separating the wheat from the chaff. Something's gotta give.

The People We Surround Ourselves With

2011-08-02T07:52:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've kind of been all over the map in the topics I write about on this Healthy as a Horse blog. It started out as a challenge to get into shape and lose weight, but I've come to the realization that my weight is what it is. Each time I go on a health craze, life interrupts and I'm back to the same old, same old. It takes a tremendous amount of time and concentration to change one's physical habits. That's why you see so many TV shows in which people are literally yanked out of their normal lives for six months or a year just so that they can have the time to prepare healthy meals, count calories, and workout at a gym all day.

As a result of me not having the luxury to leave my life behind, my topics have meandered away from physical health and into mental health. I've been thinking about how the people we choose to surround ourselves with can make us or break us. Human beings have a strong influence over one another. If you surround yourself with abusive people, your life is going to suck. If you surround yourself with supportive friends, you should have a fair chance as being happy and well adjusted.

I am currently on a rampage to rid myself of all flaky friends. With my mother having passed, I'm in need of people who are solid, people who mean what they say and say what they mean. I'm tired of constantly having to juggle my schedule for people who can't make up their minds and can't follow through on promises.

Here's my story: My mother lived in the same house for 50 years. When she passed away, I was forced to return to my childhood home and found that some of my old friends from high school still lived in the area. One old friend stepped forward to help me in my crisis. I was so thankful for his support that I didn't question his motives.

I was extremely busy planning the funeral and handling the myriad of problems that emerge when someone dies, and this friend wanted to go out to dinner to talk. I told him I didn't have much free time, but he insisted. I reluctantly agreed, we made our plans on when and where to meet, and I thought that was that. I'd spend an hour in that restaurant chatting with him, and I'd be done. Next thing I knew, this friend began calling me every hour or so with changes to our plans: Different times, different places. I was then bombarded with phone messages from him telling me he was running late. Next thing I knew, it was really late at night, I was starving, it was past my bedtime, and he called to postpone our dinner date for the next night.

The next day came with another slew of phone calls regarding changes of plans. Dinnertime arrived, and my friend discovered that the restaurant he finally settled on was closed. Once again, I was hungry and fed up. I told him to just forget it. I said, "If you want to see me, come to my mother's funeral."

I said that believing he would never show up, because no one likes to go to funerals. I just wanted to get rid of the guy. So, here were all my mother's family, friends and neighbors lined up in vehicles behind the hearse getting ready to leave for the procession to her cemetery plot when some man came running up the road waving us down. We had to stop the funeral procession for him. It was that old high school friend. He arrived 45 minutes after I told him to be there and he was confused over where to meet us. The funeral director told him to get his car and get at the end of the line and follow us to the location.

He was kind enough to bring flowers, so I forgave him for holding up the ceremony. At the reception after the funeral, he helped carry in a heavy display and helped get everyone engaged in conversation. I was happy to have his company right up until he started asking nosy questions about how much money my brother and I will inherit and what stuff we planned to keep and what we planned to give away. He ran around my mother's house like a kid in a candy store, acting as if all her belongings were now a free-for-all. I shooed him out the door as quickly as possible and thanked him for coming. I thought that was the end of it.

However, then he called and asked if I planned to keep some items he saw. They were items I had planned on taking to the dump. He said he wanted them. I was willing to let him have them to save on the cost of dump fees, so I set up a time for him to come by and pick them up. Stupid me. Of course, that turned into another dozen phone calls with excuses for why he was running late and I had to keep rearranging my schedule to accommodate his issues. It ended up taking over two months, but he eventually did pick up every item he said he wanted.

The next thing I knew, he was calling friends of his who were real estate agents and estate sales reps and giving them my name and number without my permission. He later admitted that he was trying to collect on finder's fees. I realized that he was more interested in helping himself than he was in helping me.

Each time I thought I was done with him, he'd call me to see how I'm doing. The most innocuous conversations would somehow explode into these elaborate plans on his part. Every decision I made regarding settling my mother's estate was challenged by him. I admit I got sucked in to his arguments when I really should have told him it was none of his business.

Before I knew it, he was trying to control everything. Despite recommending real estate agents to me, he now insisted I must lease the house instead of sell it. I suspect he knew someone he wanted me to lease it to. When I refused to go down that path, he found someone to buy the house, but I needed to drop the price by $250,000 for him to afford it. He hatched that plan right after telling me to fire my real estate agent because my real estate agent wanted me to drop the price by $100,000. It seemed that his forceful opinions changed as his own opportunities changed. He was constantly looking for ways to make money off of my misfortune.

All the estate sales reps that he and other people recommended didn't work out, so I had to put on the estate sale myself. There was a lot of furniture left over that I planned to donate to charity. This "friend" stopped me and said, "I can make you some money by selling it over the Internet. If you give me a key to the house, I'll have everything sold before you come into town next."

I reminded him that I was coming back into town in two weeks. He said, "No problem."

I knew he had been very successful in selling things for people in the past, so I agreed. His payment would be an expensive antique and a percentage of the profits. I figured it was better for me to make a little money cleaning out the house than it was to pay some charity to pick the stuff up and haul it off. I couldn't lose, right?

Stupid me.

I know what you are thinking: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

As my visit to town was approaching, I found out that he had done nothing. He hadn't advertised or anything. I told him that I had the charity scheduled to pick up the leftovers that Monday. He asked me to cancel or postpone to give him more time. I gave him another two weeks. That was two more weeks that I was paying utilities on the house and gardening services. My real estate agent didn't want to kick off a new sales campaign for the house until all the furniture was out, so the house was basically sitting there not being sold while I waited for this "friend" to sell some furniture.

Oh wait. I said he did nothing. I'm wrong about that. He did do one thing. He picked up the expensive antique from the house that was his payment for the job he didn't do. Bastard.

So, two more weeks came and went and he still hadn't advertised. He left a message on my voice mail suggesting that since I'll be in town anyway, why don't I sell the furniture myself? Ummmm. Because I'm busy doing other things? Damn. Why didn't I just tell him to drop dead, and pay the charity to pick up the furniture weeks ago? It would have been over and done with, the house would be in its new sales campaign, and I'd be free to start looking for work since I'd be done cleaning out my mother's house. I ended up losing a lot of money when you look at the big picture. I lost money to paying bills I wouldn't have had to pay had the house sold, and I lost money I could have been earning through a job I couldn't take until I was done with these 800-mile round trips to my childhood home.

This guy suffers from some serious flakage. He needs Head and Shoulders shampoo for his entire personality. Despite him being a flake, I can't seem to brush him off my back.

I'm making one final trip to my childhood home to pick up the last of what I want to keep, and I'm arranging for charities and clean-up crews to take the rest away. I'm a bit concerned of what I might find or not find since I stupidly gave this "friend" the key to the house. I suspect he's been throwing parties there. Nothing would surprise me at this point.

Lesson learned: Get more honest, reliable, supportive people into my life so that I can relax.

Can New Shoes Help You Feel Better?

2011-07-20T14:16:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I recently became aware that I've been avoiding doing certain things because my feet hurt. I had three main pair of sneakers that I had been wearing, and I had to alternate wearing a different pair every few hours because one pair offered no arch support, while another pair had broken lace holes and the tops of my feet hurt from being laced up strangely, and the last pair had this bizarre squeaking problem. The right shoe -- and only the right shoe -- squeaked outrageously loud whenever I walked on anything other than carpet and I found myself favoring my right leg, actually walking at a limp to avoid the squeak.

Today I decided to throw those three pairs in the garbage. A part of me felt bad about doing it, because they still had a few miles left in them, but I knew that in reality I was throwing out the inconvenience, the pain, and the stress that they caused me. It was a symbolic gesture -- a way of cleaning some troublemakers out of my life.

I also went shopping with the intention of just getting one nice pair of sneakers to replace the bad three pair, but I found that all the really expensive brands did not fit my feet. I literally couldn't even get my foot into my size because they were either too narrow or too low from top to bottom to accommodate my manly feet. Actually, I have very pretty feet. They just aren't petite.

So, since I didn't have the boys with me hassling me for spending too much time shopping for shoes, I took my time trying on as many brands as possible. In the past, Adidas worked well for me, but very few stores in my area sell them. If I battle the tourists in South Lake Tahoe and head toward Sacramento, I can find an Adidas outlet, but that was too far for me to travel today.

Anyway, I ended up finding some New Balance, Basics, and Easy Spirits that worked well for me and they were all on sale at different stores, just about all together costing as much as one of the more expensive brands of sneakers would be. The New Balance sneakers were sturdy and I knew they could withstand the pressure of my uneven walk. I have one foot that leans in toward the arch. The Basics were cushioned with gel inserts and fit nice. The Easy Spirits were slip-on sneakers, so I knew I'd get a lot of use out of them. Right now every time I have to go outside just for a minute, I grab my Tom's Shoes, which are like slip-on slippers, but they are too thin for me to be walking around the rocky horse paddock in. When I step on a rock, it's like I'm in my socks stepping on a rock. So, the Easy Spirit slip-ons have a good, strong sole to protect my feet in addition to saving me time. I can walk faster in them, and I don't have to lace and unlace them.

Several pieces of criteria were a must for me when choosing the new shoes:

1. They had to fit.
2. No rubbing, pinching, or pain.
3. Minimal grooves in the sole to avoid tracking manure into the house, but enough traction that I don't slip on flat soles.
4. No netting. What is up with all sneakers being wrapped in netting now-a-days? We have these terrible fox tail burrs that snag on the netting, burrow through the shoe, through the sock and into my foot in a matter of seconds. I need shoes with that hard, traditional tennis shoe outer lining, or I just end up taking my shoes off every few minutes to pluck out the burrs.

Anyway, I think I succeeded in finding good replacements and I shouldn't have to go shoe shopping for a very long time. Can new shoes help you feel better? I feel better already.

Blood Sugar and Unwanted Surprises

2011-07-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I'm beginning to think I may be developing diabetes or some other form of blood-sugar issues. I haven't gained any weight, but I keep getting hit with these crazy, lousy luck emergencies that send me into a tailspin and by the time I'm done solving the problem the best I can, I'm shaking all over, feeling nauseous, faint, anxious, irritable, and hungry.

I've been exhausted ever since I returned home from my 800-mile round trip and the estate sale. Some days I worked for such long hours either setting up before or cleaning up after the estate sale that I skipped meals and paid for it later. Anyway, I've been trying to eat right since I got home, but there hasn't been much food in the house and I haven't had time to go to the market, so I've been making due with what we have. I haven't had much rest because the days since I have returned have been filled with appointments.

To top it all off, we keep having these ridiculous emergencies in the wee hours of the morning that prevent me from being able to get a full night's sleep. Yesterday my husband woke me at 5:00 AM, because a cut had split open after he got out of the shower and he was bleeding all over himself and the carpet. He needed me to try to get the blood out of the carpet while he tried to stop the bleeding. I wasn't able to get some of the blood out, so now we may have to rip up the carpet and lay down new flooring -- one more thing we can't afford.

Then at 3:00 AM this morning the dogs were running around barking. Sometimes they do that if one of them has to go to the bathroom really bad. Other times they do that because our nosy neighbors are snooping about on our property. I opened the door a crack to make sure I didn't smell skunk. I didn't, so I let the dogs out and Scrappy made a beeline for something under the bench.

A dark thing that was smaller than a cat came running out from under the bench and Scrappy had it cornered. I thought it might be a kitten, but it was running sideways. I went to turn on the outdoor light to see what he found when I saw the striped tail go up and Scrappy got it full force in the face. Both he and Midge took off running. It was a baby skunk and apparently it hadn't been leaking any stench just walking around in our yard like so many skunks do.

Scrappy couldn't breathe, because the oil was packed into his nose, mouth and eyes. We had to quickly toss him in the bathtub and wash his face with water. I asked my husband to look up the proper ingredients to bathe the dogs in. Once I was done washing the dogs, I had to wash the towels, mats, and clothes I was wearing. Then I had to take a shower. My husband started telling me how to wash the stuff after I already put it in the washer. I was shaking all over and feeling highly irritable. I snapped at him and told him to do it himself as I stepped into the shower.

By the time I got out of the shower, I was shaking even worse and feeling all kinds of angry, negative emotions. I was also outrageously hungry. I went to the kitchen only to discover that most of my favorite foods had been eaten by others. I wrote the missing food items on the shopping list. Then I poured a bowl of cereal which didn't even put a dent in my hunger, so I found the last slab of bread and grabbed the peanut butter jar, which of course, was empty. I got even angrier and grabbed a new jar of peanut butter and probably slapped 2-inches thick of it on the slice of bread. I grabbed the jam, only to discover it was empty too. By now I was ready to start rolling heads.

Nothing makes me angrier than when someone uses the last of something and doesn't throw the container away and write it on the shopping list. I found another jam and piled that on. Then I poured two huge tumblers full of apple juice. I ate and drank until there was no more room in my stomach and finally felt full. My heart rate came down and I slowly stopped shaking. My irritibility dissipated.

My husband sat in his recliner just griping about the smell and blaming me for everything, but thanks to having food in my system, I didn't kill him. I think it's pretty safe to say that someone has put a curse on me, because I just can't get a break from all this B.S. My support system is almost non-existent. Nobody understands how hard this year has been for me and even less people are willing to take on some of the burden and help me out so that I can get some rest.

I'm feeling a tremendous amount of anger over the number of people who have come out of the woodwork claiming that they helped my mother a lot before she passed away, and now they are seeking their just rewards. They expect me to give them valuable items from my mother's estate or share some inheritance money with them, and it really pisses me off. Not only is there no inheritance money, but I'm spending my own money left and right paying my mother's bills and not getting reimbursed for it, because the Coroner's office refuses to issue a certified death certificate since they can't determine her cause of death. My mother spent all this money on life insurance so that I could pay for her funeral and debts after she passed, and the law won't let me have access to any of it.

I keep having nightmares in which I am in my mother's house trying to clean out the last of her personal belongings, and each time I turn around I find that her drawers and cupboards are full even though I just cleaned them out. That is pretty much what keeps happening in real life. I thought I would have to make two trips to her house and then could pay someone else to do the rest of the work, but no one would do business with me. Southern California is full of antique and art snobs who forget that sometimes there are people who just need help and the only profit or reward for helping them is a spiritual one. I even had the Vietnam Vets reject some of my donations. They just left them on the driveway for me to rent a truck to haul them to the dump. So, now I have to make a fourth trip down to continue working on cleaning out the house. Each time I make the trip, it takes days or weeks out of my own schedule and costs about $150 in gas -- more in airline fees if I fly.

The irony is that she had a ton of vanilla-scented candles in her house and I gave them away at the estate sale and to charity, and of course now that my dogs were sprayed by a skunk, I desperately need those candles. There's never enough room for me to bring everything back that I need or want from my parents' house, so I just have to make choices and hope they are fortuitous ones. But with the lousy luck I've been having this year, my choices always seem to be the wrong ones. So, despite being exhausted, I'll be shopping as soon as the market opens. Once that is done, if no more disasters occur, I'm planning on taking a few sleeping pills to guarantee sleep. I'll just have to be sure to blow out the candles, because with my luck the house will burn down with me in it.

Flakage

2011-06-29T11:02:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I wish there were a personality detector I can hold up to people or to the phone when someone is making me a promise, so that I could know whether the person who is making the promise will actually follow through. There's nothing more annoying than when I have to reschedule my entire day because someone didn't do what they said they would do.

Why would I call it a personality detector rather than a lie detector? Because I don't think the problem is that people lie to me. I think they intend to follow through on their promises, but they have flaky personalities and get distracted easily, instantly forgetting that they promised me they would do something.

Today I have to travel a long distance and will be on the road and unable to answer my mobile phone most of the afternoon and evening, so I tried to take care of all of my phone calls in the morning. I called the vet clinic to ask if I could pick up some medications that the doctor said I could have if they were available. He said on Sunday, "I'll call you tomorrow." Well, here is it Wednesday and he still hasn't called, so I called the office myself. The lady said, "I'll have to check to see if we have them in the pharmacy and I'll call you right back." That was two hours ago. Now, I know there are medical emergencies at vet clinics and plenty of things take priority over my request, but I had time to pick up the medications this morning, and now that morning is almost over, I don't have time anymore.

Why say, "I'll call you right back," if you know there's a chance you can't or won't? It's always better to say, "I'll call you when I get the chance and leave a message if you're unable to answer." Anytime that someone tells me they are going to call me at a specific time, I can't make outgoing phone calls, I can't go outside to shovel manure, fill up the water troughs, or pick up the mail, I can't listen to music really loud or vacuum, because I won't hear the phone over the noise. I feel trapped by an impending phone call. Then when they don't call, I feel angry that I wasted all that time waiting.

I also had someone calling around to set up an estate sale cleaning service for me. He was supposed to call me back last Friday but he suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth. So, now I have even less time to search for an estate sale cleaning service, and most people probably won't have room in their schedules to do it at the last minute. If there's anything I'm learning from all of this, it is never to rely on other people. If I am the one who has something at stake, I have to be the one to manage it. People who want to help out and do favors are all talk and no action.

Then there's the general incompetence and flakage I get from people who work for companies. Weeks ago I needed to transfer some money from one account to another. I tried to do it online, but the bank required a debit card to do so. So, I drove to the bank and requested a debit card, but was told I would have to call a phone number and do that over the phone. I asked if they could just transfer the money in the meantime. They did. I also asked them to open another account in a specific name, emphasizing that it had to be that name and no other variation of it. So, the checks arrived and guess what? The account has a different name on it than the name I requested. How stupid does one have to be in order to be a banker? She had the name printed out on a sheet of paper directly in front of her. Sigh. Now I have spend hours of my time correcting this.

Then when the card I ordered over the phone arrived in the mail, it was not a debit card. It was an ATM card. I can't use an ATM card to transfer money between accounts online. I can only use it to withdraw money, and I don't need to withdraw money. I need to transfer money online... from home... so that I don't have to drive into town to the bank every time I have to transfer money. So, I had to call the bank a second time to correct that mistake. We'll see if I get the right card in the mail next time. I've decided that after these two snafus, if this bank doesn't get something right this time, I'm cancelling both accounts and taking my business elsewhere. Of course, that's more time out of my busy schedule, but I consider it an investment in my future time.

It bothers me that there are so many competent, thorough, good listeners out there who are unemployed and desperately searching for jobs while there are all these idiots still in the workforce. I'm convinced that people who habitually make mistakes are never going to learn as long as the customers are the ones suffering the consequences. There has to be some way to make the people suffer their own mistakes. Yelling at them doesn't solve anything. Going to their supervisor may or may not do the trick since most supervisors in today's world are their friends or relatives anyway. All I can think of to do for punishment is to stop being a customer. But if it's a big corporation, my absence easily goes unnoticed. If it's a local business, a lot of times there's no other option in my area, so I can't exactly walk away.

What do you do when people flake out on you and provide poor customer service?

Changed... Permanently?

2011-06-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

As I read other blogs I find myself reflecting on my life compared to the lives of others. There are a few people in blog land who have the good fortune to be able to ride a horse every day. I've never been in that position. I've been fortunate enough to own horses, but have always had trouble finding the time and environment to ride. I realized the other night that I hadn't gone out on a "date" with my husband in over 10 years. It seems that once you "grow up" you get ridiculously busy and then you die.

I even look at blogs where people post pictures of food they prepared and ate, and I wonder where they even find the time to cook. Most meals I either hand my son a $20 bill to go pick up something for us to eat or I pick up the phone and order delivery. Exercise? What's that? I'm lucky if I can find time to walk dogs at the animal shelter more than two days out of each month.

I'm always astounded by people who say they are bored or who have to look for something to do. I have other people and circumstances constantly dictating what I do and there's very little time left over for me to do something recreational. When I get a break I usually use that time to get caught up on eating my meals and am so exhausted that I just sit in a chair and write in my blogs. Typing is the one thing I can do when my body won't budge anymore. At least fingers have a longer battery life.

Anyway, my life has changed drastically since my mother passed away. I might get one minute where I convince myself that I'm finally getting control over my schedule and then the phone rings and my life is in turmoil again. It happened again today. After dropping the price of my mother's house by $50,000, the real estate agent now wants me to drop it by another $100,000. He says it's urgent that we sell or lease the house before her insurance runs out, because no one will insure an empty house because it is a liability. That can't be true. Lots of people have second homes or vacation homes, and I'm sure they are insured.

He also says he wants me to move the furniture and all of my mother's belongings out right away. It's a freakin' two-story house! I'm an old woman! And I have only one person to help me so far. It pisses me off how some real estate agents think they can bully their clients around. I hired him and I'm paying him -- not the other way around. I can't wait until this guy's contract is up so I can fire him and hire someone else. He insists that he's not the problem, because he sells houses every week. Whoopideedoodah. How about selling MY house? The furniture is beautiful. It's not the problem.

His excuse is that with the personal belongings in the house, he has to keep the blinds closed, which makes the house dark. He wants to keep all the blinds and windows open all the time to keep the place bright and smelling fresh. He's convinced that the faint smell of cigarette smoke is turning people off, but when I questioned him about how many potential buyers have actually seen the house, the answer was none. He hasn't even had any agents show the house to someone. I'd say the problem is his advertising.

So, now I've got two weeks to contact as many people as possible to help me put on the estate sale, I've got to contact a bunch of newspapers to advertise in, and I've got to arrange for shipping companies and charities to show up immediately after the estate sale to moved all the leftovers out. I also have to hire someone to haul all the trash off to the appropriate disposal locations. Being a big city, they have strict rules regarding recycling and proper disposal procedures. I find it all to be too mind boggling and would rather pay someone else to do all the sorting.

I keep thinking that if I could just get the settling of my mother's estate wrapped up, I can resume my normal life, but now I'm beginning to wonder. It seems the demands being made upon me are never-ending and each time I think I'm done with one part of the process, it raises it's ugly head to come back to bite me. For instance, I thought I had paid off all of my attorney's services, and just got another bill in the mail today. I always thought that you paid attorneys at the end of the process when you actually have some money, but I'm getting billed every couple of weeks.

I really need a miracle. Not only has this been the most expensive experience of my life, but it has been the most depressing. I feel like I can't laugh or have fun anymore, because I've seen people at their worst and know how difficult life can be. I was really ignorant and innocent before all this, and now I think about all I have to do to prepare for my own death in order to make it easier on my children. My mother actually did a pretty good job of making her death easier on me, but there are so many laws set up to protect the estate of a person who passes away and very few to protect the survivors who have to clean up after their loss.

Literally every day I receive bills in the mail related to settling my mother's estate, yet I'm not allowed to touch any of her retirement fund, life insurance, or annuities until a certified death certificate is issued. She died three months ago and I'm still waiting. In the meantime, I'm out of work and scrambling to protect my family from losing the roof over our heads. Something has got to be done to speed up the death certificate process, because the rest of the world doesn't stop and wait until you can afford to pay for their services. Death is a racket. You are required to hire people to do certain things right away, and they bill you exorbitant amounts for doing virtually nothing. Unfortunately, the biggest criminals are the people who make up the laws and uphold them.

Anti-Anxiety

2011-06-20T12:57:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

If I had a theme song it would be "I Hate Mondays", and I don't even have a job at the moment. I've started viewing Mondays as throw-away days, because they are so out of my control. I lose a day's time to fixing problems caused by other people. I try to take an anti-anxiety tack when approaching life, planning out my days to avoid as much stress as possible, but most of the time my efforts backfire in my face.

This morning the phone started ringing before I had even eaten my breakfast or taken a shower, and every phone call was about some emergency that needed my attention immediately. I'd try to kick it into gear to handle it, only to get waylaid by another emergency. The entire time I'm running around trying to solve other people's problems, I'm smelling smoke and developing a bad headache. I hunted all around the house inside and out for the source of the smoke smell, but was unable to locate it. Sometimes I think I cause the smoke smell myself by moving so fast, because smoke always shows up when I have no time to spare. I remember years ago when I was working out of my home office, I kept smelling smoke, and every time I tried to investigate, the phone would ring and someone would have some emergency they needed me to handle immediately. By the time I finally got a second to run outside to see where the heck the smoke smell was coming from, half my neighbor's garage had burned down.

Anyway, to sum it all up, I wasted my entire morning correcting other people's mistakes. My doctor's office denied a prescription refill of my anti-anxiety medication. I assumed that was because I was due for a physical, but they couldn't get me in until next week because my doctor was on vacation. I don't think there has been one week I've called for an appointment in the past 5 years when my doctor hasn't been on vacation. I think it's time to change doctors again. Anyway, the nurse called me back and said I wasn't due for a physical and she had no idea why my prescription was rejected, so she put in an order for a new prescription for me.

Then I spent some time on the phone correcting a bill I received that was way off base. This has been happening a lot to me lately. People keep overcharging me or charging me for things I didn't buy or things my insurance should have covered. I really have to watch my back, because these billing companies are getting more and more incompetent.

A friend called me the other day and asked if I had time to talk. I told her I was busy paying bills, and that is pretty much all I do round the clock now-a-days. She said, "Well, if you have bills to pay, that's a good thing, because you have money to buy stuff."

I don't think she understood, but I didn't bother elaborating. They aren't just my bills. They are my mother's bills. When a person dies, you don't immediately get a check in the mail with your share of the inheritance. It takes months and sometimes years before you even see a dime of your inheritance. So, I've been paying bills I can't afford to pay, because I'm out of work. It's a very stressful situation to be in. I know that someday I will be reimbursed for all the money I've put in to settling my mother's estate, but I worry every day that the reimbursement won't come sooner than bankruptcy. In the meantime, all I can do is keep writing checks and watching our bank account plummet. It's very unnerving.

In order to solve the first emergency of the day, I have to go to the bank and meet with a banker. I know from past experience that I can easily wait an hour just to take my turn, and another hour sitting in the banker's cubicle. Since I blew my entire morning making phone calls, I now have to wait for the lunch hour to pass before going to the bank, because no one will be there to help me.

During this waiting period, I realized that I had made a pot of coffee in the morning for breakfast, and here it was the lunch hour and I still hadn't had a cup. I poured myself a cup and sat down to start planning out my afternoon when I heard a knock at the door. I tried to pretend I didn't hear it, because a knock on the door is never good news and I knew I would crack if someone gave me one more thing to do. Then I remembered a time when a neighbor came to the door to inform me that one of my horses was colicking, and I didn't answer, because I was too busy. Fortunately, she went home and called me and left a message on my answering machine, so the horse didn't die.

Anyway, I answered the window, as opposed to the door, because my dogs were going nuts. I need to put up a sign on my door informing people that I cannot answer it unless the pre-arrange a time to come to the door when I can lock the dogs up in a room or out back. My dogs will bust right through the crack in the door and knock people down. I really don't want to get sued, so I just refuse to answer the door when my dogs are throwing themselves against it. Sometimes I'll go out the back door and walk up from behind the person on the doorstep, but that's risking giving them a heart attack.

It was a neighbor and she wanted to talk. She said, "I've never come to your door before, because I know you didn't want to get interrupted while you were working, but I thought it was okay since you're not working anymore."

Just because I don't have a paying job doesn't mean I sit around on my butt all day doing nothing. I'm busier than ever with all these freakin' emergencies and problems created by the incompetence of those who do have jobs. My neighbor talked to me through the window for about 15 minutes, repeating everything she had told me the day before. I have a lot of people in my life right now who are stuck in mental loops, whether it be due to Alzheimer's Disease, a brain injury, or a mental illness. It's really frustrating for me to deal with them, because they repeat themselves half a dozen to a dozen times in one conversation and I can't get them to stop. Interrupting them to tell them they already said that doesn't do any good. Telling them I am busy and have to go doesn't do any good, because they always have to think of one more thing they have to say, and that leads to ten more things they have to say before they'll let you go.

Ultimately, I usually end up gritting my teeth and listening, because I know that when I'm dead and gone the only thing that is really going to matter is how I treated people, and the best thing you can do for most people is to just listen and give them assurance.

I've made the mistake of adding a horoscope widget to my home page, and every day I am given some kind of advice to avoid doing something, because the planets are blocking my success in that area. Ironically, these predictions have always come true. Today's horoscope says, "You are advised to postpone any task requiring diplomacy and concentration."

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! No kidding. I can't even concentrate on drinking a freakin' cup of coffee. I ended up pouring the pot of coffee down the drain because what was in the pot got burned and what was in my cup got cold with all the interruptions. Most days the horoscope says I am advised to avoid making any financial decisions. Hardy har har. I'm a TRUSTEE. All I do all day is make financial decisions! If I postponed doing that as many times as my horoscope advised, nothing would get done.

4 - 2 + 2 = 4

2011-06-17T12:21:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

It's astounding how every time I try to complete some tasks on my To Do List, my efforts are thwarted and I have to add several more tasks to the list instead. Today was supposed to be simple. I was supposed to pick up an order from the feed store, deposit a check in my mother's bank account, do the marketing, and pick up two prescriptions. The order from the feed store went okay despite them losing my order form and over-charging me by $10, but the bank refused to deposit the check because some idiot assumed that it should be made out to The Estate of my mother, which is the phrasing of an account created through probate. They should have just written my mother's name on the check, because I haven't opened an account for her Personal Trust yet. So, now I have to mail the check back and request that a new check be made out in my mother's name. I do so tire of having to suffer the consequences of other people's mistakes. I wish I could start charging people when they do dumb things that result in more work for me.

Marketing was a hassle because the store manager moved everything around, so I couldn't find anything. I spent way too much time backtracking. Then I got in line with my cart and as usual, some guy with just one item came up from behind me, but refused to use the self-checkout. I'm sick of letting people go ahead of me because they have one item, but I went ahead and offered just to get some good karma. It turned out that the man was having a very bad day, so I'm glad I let him go ahead. Then someone else came up from behind me with just a few items, but I wasn't about to let a second person go ahead of me. I had been waiting in line for 10 minutes. Ironically, when I got to the pharmacy drive-thru, there was only one car in front of me, and wouldn't you know it? It was the man I let go ahead of me in the market. Had I not let him go ahead, I wouldn't have had to wait another 10 minutes in line behind him at the pharmacy. So much for creating good karma.

The pharmacist informed me that one of my prescription had been denied and that I have to call the doctor. That means I'm probably due for a physical. That's one more thing I don't have time for. I hate having to drive 40 miles just to see a doctor, especially when I'm healthy, because you know that once I walk into that waiting room I'll come out with some virus. So, I was supposed to knock 4 tasks off my list and have a clean slate, but instead I knocked off 2 and got another 2 added on to it. Great. Just great. Will it ever end?

Involuntary Dieting

2011-05-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

One thing I've learned over the years is that if you get into a situation in which you don't have access to much food, your body adapts to its new eating schedule fairly quickly, and once you get back into an environment where you do have access to a lot of food, the desire to eat it is gone.

I took a couple of planes and a taxi to the house I have put up for sale with the intention to drive my mother's car to the market to pick up some food for meals during my stay, only to discover that her car was broken down. As a result, I had slim pickin's in her refrigerator and cupboard. In fact, pretty much everything in her refrigerator had to be thrown out because it was beyond its expiration date and getting moldy. So, I drank water and cooked frozen foods. I didn't have milk to pour on cereal, so I ate oatmeal for breakfast.

Beyond that, I really wasn't that hungry. I skipped some meals and didn't snack at all. I was getting plenty of exercise going up and down stairs and carrying heavy bags and boxes all weekend, but even the exercise didn't make me hungry. By the time the car was repaired, I picked up a deli sandwich to eat on the drive home, but really never felt hungry enough to stop somewhere to eat it, so I drove all day without much more than a cup of coffee and a granola bar.

I find that this lack of desire to eat has carried over now that I am home and surrounded by food. I call it an involuntary diet caused by a lack of appetite. It's as if I got my body into the habit of operating on the bare minimum of fuel, and it was okay with it. The whole experience has made me realize how much many of us overeat out of habit or just because the food is available.

I feel the same way about material possessions. There was a time when I felt it was a treat to go shopping for new clothes. Sometimes, even though I didn't need any clothes, I'd go shopping just because I liked the hunt, and I liked the feeling I got each time I acquired something new. However, now that I am dealing with all of my parents' personal possessions, I have access to more new-to-me stuff that anyone could ever dream to have, and it feels more like a burden than a blessing.

Driving home I passed several hitchhikers with just a backpack on their backs and felt envy over their freedom. Of course, their freedom would feel like hell if it started snowing and they couldn't find shelter. It's all a matter of circumstances. Something that looks real attractive one day may not be so good looking the next. This is why so many personal trainers and dieticians say that we have to change our attitude towards food before we can successfully lose weight. Carrying a lot of fat around is like trying to hitchhike around the country with a house filled with belongings strapped to your back -- a blessing when it's cold, but not so favorable the rest of the year.

Bye Bye, Quality of Life, Again

2011-05-16T12:41:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I admit that I am a big baby when it comes to changes in my environment and community growth, but my goal in life is to have less stress, not more of it. So, despite the recession and lack of jobs lowering our local population by a little bit this past year, Wal-Mart has decided to move in just a few blocks away from my house. Some people would think, "Oh, how convenient."

I think, "Oh shit."

Why? Because first off, the route to my volunteer job at the animal shelter was a straight shot up a rural road with very little traffic. It was a drive I enjoyed. Now, with the building of the Wal-Mart, I have to compete with large land movers and whatnot, and once the store is completed, there will be 100x more traffic on that road than there is now.

Secondly, the coming of Wal-Mart has sent our local supermarkets into a panic. My favorite grocery store's knee-jerk reaction was to move all the shelves closer together so that they can stock more stuff to remain a viable competitor with Wal-Mart. As a result, the aisles are now so narrow, that two carts cannot pass in each direction. Someone has to back up all the way to the end of the aisle to let someone else out. It took my husband and I nearly twice as long as usual to get our marketing done, because we couldn't find everything, because people kept blocking the aisles to socialize, and because we simply could not get to the locations on the shelves we needed without having to wait in line.

I said, "Remind me to never shop here again."

Management needs to understand that people will pay extra for atmosphere. If you have a business where people feel that they can relax, they will choose to go there and pay extra money over going some place where the supply is better, but they feel pressured or rushed or crowded.

One of my peeves is not being able to put my change away in my purse, because someone behind me is pushing me away from the cash register. Then I get out to my car and try to put my change in my purse, and there's always someone waiting for my parking spot, so then I have to hurry and start up my car and back out so they don't have to wait too long. Many times I can't put my change into my purse until after I get home, and even then the phone is ringing or people are coming to the door, which still interrupts my ability to put my friggin' change in my purse. I need to be able to just have a few extra seconds somewhere, in some space, to take care of my needs. Spaces where people can relax are hard to come by, especially since my rural community is being inundated with people from big cities who can't slow down because rushing around at the expense of others has become their habit.

Today I was driving behind a woman with little kids in a minivan. She was talking or texting on a mobile phone, and she drove right off the road onto the dirt and gravel shoulder, kicking up rock and dust into my windshield. She then swerved off the shoulder into the oncoming lane and back into our lane. It's times like that when I wish I were a cop. Every day I see dozens of terrible drivers who need a wake-up call. You'd think nearly getting into wreck would be a wake-up call, but this lady just kept on speeding like nothing happened.

We have this running joke about the people who live down this one main road in our community. The rule is that they always have the right-of-way, no matter what. Why? Because they just take it. They're selfish pigs. They run stop signs, they speed, they don't yield when they are supposed to. It's like an epidemic. So, we always approach that road cautiously, knowing that no one who lives in that area has any respect for other drivers on the road.

The biggest obstacle to me being able to move to a slower-paced lifestyle with nicer neighbors is my own family. They don't want to move. This fall both my kids will have flown the nest, so I'll only have my husband to convince, and fortunately, he has started noticing some changes around our home that he finds to be annoying.

He's been working from home a lot lately, and he gets distracted when the house starts vibrating or when the neighbors make loud noises outside. Sure enough, the other day he griped about some loud noise and vibration that were preventing him from being able to concentrate. He went outside to find our newest neighbor in the guest house next door just sitting in his truck with its engine running right next our house.

When my husband gave him the evil eye, the guy finally put it into gear and drove off. He and his wife have been provided with a driveway and carport to park their vehicles, but now that they are feeling comfortable in the guest house, they park wherever they please, which includes in front of our bay window, blocking our view of the mountains, and right next to our bathroom window, so that we don't have any privacy.

Speaking of sitting in trucks, my annoying neighbors left for church in one old, beat up truck and came home in a completely different old, beat up truck. Every few Sundays they seem to be either swapping out vehicles or picking up other vehicles, which makes me wonder if they belong some religious community that provides vehicles to its members. Anyway, I walked outside to do chores at 4:45 PM and the truck was there. I didn't pay much attention, did a few chores, went back in the house, came back outside to do more chores at 5:15 PM, and started hugging my horses and singing silly songs to them. A few minutes later, the woman came out of her house and opened the driver's side door of the truck.

She farted around standing outside that truck for probably five or ten minutes, and I was wondering what the heck she was doing besides spying on me. It turned out that her husband had been sitting in the driver's seat of the truck ever since they got home from church, and she came outside to help him out of the truck. He's very old and has a bad back. She kept looking over her shoulder at me and whispering to him. It suddenly hit me that he had been in there for well over half-and-hour, probably watching me each time I came outside to do my chores. I hate it when that happens. I think I'm alone and it turns out that someone's been observing me from inside a car or from a hiding spot the entire time.

I'd love to know why this guy feels the need to sit in his truck for long periods of time. Is he listening to the radio? Is he taking a nap? Is he praying or meditating? Is he unable to move his back after a long drive? Is he unable to face the mess inside the house, since they both seem to be hoarders? I've never known anyone like these neighbors. Everyone I know gets out of his car as soon as he reaches his destination. Knowing how slow this man moves, I'm sure he causes a ruckus once he gets into town with all those fast moving city people.

I really would like to go somewhere where I can find people who are in the middle of spectrum like me, people who move at a moderate pace as opposed to the two extremes that I find in my community.

Book Review: The Five Ways We Grieve by Susan A. Berger

2011-05-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I received a few book review requests shortly after my mother passed away, and only agreed to one, because the book was relevant to what I was going through. The Berger Model is explained within "The Five Ways We Grieve" by Susan A. Berger. The subtitle reads, "Finding You Personal Path to Healing after the Loss of a Loved One." I was interested in this book because it was published by Shambhala Publications, which often puts out books encompassing Buddhist as well as other philosophies.

Most of us are familiar with the five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Apparently, that model is more a description of what those who are aware they are dying go through. The Berger Model deals with five types of grieving that the survivors of loss might experience. These grief paths include those of the Nomads, the Memorialists, the Normalizers, the Activists, and the Seekers.

The book begins explaining how the loss of a loved one does not just affect us temporarily, but alters us in a way that affects us throughout the remainder of our lives. That is something I had never thought about, but it makes sense. Most traumatic events affect us permanently to varying degrees, and then when you remove someone from the room, your routine, or your life, the social dynamic changes, at the very least.

It is important to be aware of how you have been changed by the loss. That way you can use it to your advantage instead of letting it take control of you. The middle of the book discusses each of the five types in detail, and the end of the book provides you with self-exploration questions. I could see myself in all five of the grieving types, but I think I am predominately an Activist. I've been spending a lot of time communicating with others about health care and how to prepare for their own death, so that there is a minimal amount of work for their loved ones, allowing them a chance to grieve.

Examples of stories of how other have grieved are provided throughout the book, including the experiences of some who lost loved ones in the 9/11 terrorist attacks, some who lost loved ones to long battles with cancer and other diseases, some who were caretakers during the slow death of Alzheimer's, and some who lost their loved ones suddenly and unexpectedly in both common and uncommon ways. For me, the most astounding cases were those who lost several loved ones within a few days, weeks or months of one another. Death is a part of life, but I am amazed that some people even have the strength to make it through multiple losses within a short period of time.

Perhaps the most insightful paragraph is in the end: "When we lose a loved one, fear is one of the strongest emotions we feel. Fear for our safety and our basic security. Fear about what will happen to us and our family. Fear of not being able to manage our responsibilities on our own. Fear of being alone."

That is so true for me, because life has dealt me more than a few blows. Our family has experienced multiple lay-offs from jobs, injuries, surgeries, and even homelessness. What comforted me throughout my life was that my parents were always there to cushion the fall and help out in anyway they could. Now that they are both gone, I worry more, because it is suddenly all up to me to keep my family safe. My backup system is no longer accessible.

You can find this book on Amazon.

Bizarre

2011-05-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I have developed the strangest health problem in the past 48 hours. I had this sudden onset of random joint pain. I've never had anything like this before. I was lying down and all of the sudden my ankle started hurting. I thought it was just a cramp. However, the pain got worse and worse until even having a sheet over it felt excruciating. Each time I moved my ankle I involuntarily groaned. If I didn't know any better, I would have thought I had broken my ankle while lying in bed.

I took two sleeping pills and fell asleep. By morning the ankle pain was gone, and I had forgotten all about it until this evening when my wrist started hurting. The same progression of pain took place until I couldn't use that hand and wrist at all. Then, instantly, the pain went away only to resurface in my right knee. While I was sitting here in a recliner with my leg extended feeling like I broke my knee, my shoulders started hurting, and then my neck.

It's almost comical. I have no patience for hypochondriacs, and this obviously isn't real. I figure it's just something psychological, perhaps caused by my grief materializing as joint pain. It seems inconceivable that something could come on that fast, go away that fast, and hit so many different locations in the body. Bizarre. The mind is a complex thing.

A Message of Health

2011-05-05T15:42:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

One exercise I like to do every once in a while is to pick up a spiritual book, any book -- it could be the Bible or A Course in Miracles -- and ask my guardian angel or God or a deceased relative to give me a message. I then close my eyes, flip through the pages of the book, wave my hand over a page, and place my finger on a spot. I open my eyes and read the paragraph I am pointing at.

I did this exercise when my mother passed away, asking her what I need to know. The paragraph I read had to do with keeping myself in good health. This message made complete sense to me since my mother smoked most of her life and rarely exercised, and died fairly young -- 13 years younger than her own parents. I have her genes, and she knows how the body can betray you just when you think you've got another 10 years in store.

I haven't been able to exercise at all since she passed away, because I've been tied to the phone, in meetings, and traveling in an effort to settle her estate. So, today I broke out of my role as Trustee to regain some normalcy to my life by walking a few dogs at the animal shelter. I probably walked two miles. It was nice to get the endorphins flowing again, and to distract myself from my own problems in order to focus on training each dog to overcome whatever behavior problem is making them undesirable to potential adopters. I think volunteering at the animal shelter is the best job I've ever had.

On the drive home, a strange thing happened to me mentally. I was stopped at a red light in a busy intersection when I felt something enormous descending on me from behind. My hair stood on end, I got the chills, and a voice inside my head said, "Your life is going to end at this intersection."

Logic told me this was just a side-effect of my grief. I've become more aware of our mortality, so now I am afraid of more loss of life. Yesterday morning I watched my husband get ready for work and felt a tinge of panic, wondering if he was ever going to come home. I could suddenly empathize with my dog, who gets upset each time I leave the house, even if it is simply to feed the horses.

Anyway, before the traffic light turned green, a huge 18-wheeler came barreling around the curve up from behind me and it looked like the driver wasn't going to be able to stop in time. I closed my eyes and braced for impact, but he did stop before rear-ending me. The light turned green and we proceeded through the intersection safely. I made a note to self to keep my mental health in check just as much as my physical health. Then the voice came back and said, "I didn't say today."

Life is so ironic.

Another Supermarket Mishap

2011-03-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

For us, a jar of jam can last six months. If we don't like the flavor, we have to suffer through eating it for many months. The last jar of jam we liked was raspberry. We've been slowly plugging through a strawberry jam that we don't like, so I decided to give up on it and pick up the raspberry jam that we like at the market.

I remember searching the rows and rows of jam and not seeing the raspberry. I was about to walk away when I spotted it. I took a jar off the shelf, but it wasn't the brand we had before. I searched some more and spotted the raspberry in the right brand. I put the wrong jar back and reached out to get the right jar. Of course, right then some pushy woman had to cut me off and step in front of me. I reached around her for the jar, put it in my cart and moved on.

Just now I opened the refrigerator and pulled out the new jar of jam, but it wasn't raspberry. It was plum. That dang woman cut off my view, so that I grabbed the wrong jar. Argh! If I had a job that brought in some income, I wouldn't be so irritated, but every time I buy the wrong item because of pushy people in the supermarket, I have to suffer through eating it, even though I don't like it, because I don't want to waste money.

I might have caught my mistake at the checkout stand, but I had pushy people standing behind me there too. While I was punching in my PIN code, they moved up right behind me and looked over my shoulder. I glared at them, and they looked away, pretending like they were minding their own business. I covered the keypad with my hand and typed with the other. They stood there at the register staring at all the food I bought as it rolled past on the conveyor belt. My groceries hadn't even been bagged, I hadn't received my receipt and coupons, and these people managed to push me all the way out of the check stand into the aisle.

What is it that makes people so insensitive to the fact that they are being rude? Haven't we all been to kindergarten and learned how to take turns? Technically, they were waiting their turn to have their groceries scanned, but they weren't waiting their turn to stand in the space where you pay. I'm thinking that next time someone does that to me, I should turn around and say, "Why thank you for stepping forward to pay for my groceries!"

I'm sure that will get them to take a few steps back. I wish supermarkets had one of those wooden arms that raise and lower like on toll bridges and railroad tracks to allow customers some privacy while it is their turn at the check stand.

From the Snow Globe

2011-03-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I decided to try one night of putting myself to sleep through reading a book rather than through taking a pill. It worked in that I was able to fall asleep, but it didn't work in that I was wide awake by 2:00 AM. There must just be something about my age that prevents me from being able to stay asleep without the help of pills. I thought that once my life became less stressful my insomnia would go away, but it didn't. I guess this is just one more problem I have to wait out, because it can't be solved without the help of prescription medications and time.

Anyway, I used these quiet hours to read through some old posts regarding the amount of stress I was under when I was working 60 to 80 hours a week and all the scheduling problems I had. Being where I am now, I can't believe that I survived it. My life was totally crazy. I was just thinking the other day (knock on wood) that I've been fortunate to not have any major problems flying out of left field and knocking me off my feet lately. I've had the time to solve what problems do come my way, so everything feels settled. I like the pace that my life is at right now. I wish I could keep it forever (but somehow still make money to pay the bills at the same time).

Sometimes I think that the more frantic I get, the more people are drawn to me. For instance, when I was working, I got interrupted with unwanted phone calls and people randomly coming to the door every few minutes. The activity level was off the charts. Now that I'm not working and that frantic feeling has dissipated, my phone never rings and no one ever comes to the door. It's like because I am quiet and still within myself, people don't know I exist. It's wonderful.

Maybe it's because of all the snow and cold weather, but even my neighbors and relatives aren't bothering me. I finally have the peace, quiet and privacy I've been striving for all these years. I'm afraid to sneeze, because I don't want this point in time to shatter. It's perfect.

How To Not Get Into a Car Accident

2011-03-21T11:52:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Part of our jobs to stay healthy includes being safe drivers, because if you hit another driver, chances are that both of you will have health problems as a result or possibly die. I needed to run some errands this morning. The roads were slushy and the news was reporting dozens of accidents. So, I drove safely with my full attention on the feel of my truck and changes in road conditions.

Three drivers in a row nearly hit me by doing the exact same Bozo No No. They were speeding, going about 40 MPH in 25 MPH zones. They came flying toward the intersection without slowing down soon enough while looking to their right only. Because they were so busy concentrating on whether or not any traffic was coming from their right, they blew right through their stop sign into my lane where I was coming from the left. They did stop, but they stopped IN THE INTERSECTION, so that I had to swerve into the oncoming lane to avoid broadsiding them. How stupid is that?

You are supposed to stop behind your stop sign. There's a white line in the road to help you know where to stop your vehicle, and you are supposed look both ways at least twice and wait three seconds before proceeding into an intersection. If the roads are slippery, you drive slower than the speed limit and start slowing down further in advance of a stop sign than you normally would. Ice is funny that way. It makes your vehicle slip when you put on the brakes and when you accelerate.

Then I had this guy in a sports car come roaring up on my rear bumper going about 20 MPH over the speed limit. He pushed and pushed, but I refused to speed on his behalf. Then when he dropped back I noticed his license plate. It's a special license plate given out to firefighters. Okay, so he may have been on his way to the fire station to handle a call. However, because he was not in an emergency vehicle, he still had to obey the rules of the road so as not to cause another accident while he's trying to respond to a different accident.

Then I reached this intersection with a 4-way stop, and this old guy was already there and stopped. He had a police officer behind him. To add to the fact that he was at the intersection before me, he was also on my right, so just in case he wasn't paying attention and perhaps thought we reached the intersection at the same time, the fact that he was on the right still would have given him the right of way.

Did he take it? Nooooooo. Of course not. There was a cop behind him, so he was like a deer frozen in headlights. When in doubt, do nothing. So, I motioned to him to take his right of way, and he stared at me. Just in case he wasn't sure what he saw, I yielded to him a second time, making BIG arm movements to show him that I'm letting him proceed through the intersection.

Still he sat there. I was pissed. I knew that if I took his right of way, that cop would have ticketed me. In the meantime, all these other drivers had arrived at the intersection, and we were all stuck there because this one guy refused to go. I could see that the cop was impatient, because he needed to get somewhere. Just when I was about to roll down my window and stick my arm out, the man finally turned oh so slowly, staring at me the whole way with his mouth hanging open like he was in a trance.

Okay, so it could be argued that he was driving safely, but you have to consider that when you don't take your right of way, you cause confusion at an intersection, which could lead to accidents. Had that cop not been there, I'm sure several of the drivers would have blown the guy off and taken his right of way. I guess the moral of the story is that if you are a driver who nearly causes accidents or a driver who is confused about the rules of the road, perhaps it's time that you take a refresher course. Stay healthy and alive, and help keep the rest of us healthy and alive too.

Funny of the Day

2011-03-08T19:44:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Every time I go into the bathroom I find myself having to change an empty toilet paper roll. I have a little storage unit that holds about seven rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom. The rest is stored in the garage. Each time I have to change a roll, I reach for one in the bathroom only to discover that the T.P. storage bin is empty, requiring yet another trip to the garage.

I finally got irritated and thought about marching into the den and asking my family why we are going through such a ridiculous amount of toilet paper. I was going to say, "Toilet paper doesn't grow on trees, you know!"

Then I realized that it does... sort of.

Lifecycle of an Eye Infection

2011-02-27T13:18:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I have a history of persistent eye infections. Years ago my doctor just told me I had a cold in my eye and that I should wait it out. However, my gynecologist grew concerned when I contracted a staph infection in my eye after being hospitalized for an unrelated surgery. I explained that my infections are always in the left eye, sometimes spreading to the right eye, but only starting in the left eye first, and I get these infections every few months. She referred me to an ophthalmologist, who referred me to another ophthalmologist, who referred me to yet another ophthalmologist, because my case was so tough to diagnose.

I spent about a year visiting this third ophthalmologist each time I got another infection, so that he could take a culture and figure out what kind of infection it was. This doctor put me on his priority list so that when I called, his receptionist would know to get me in within a few hours, otherwise we would miss our window of opportunity to diagnose it. It turned out that it wasn't any one infection, but was often times a different infection from the last. He concluded that the tear duct to my left eye was malformed, so it wasn't generating enough moisture to flush away viruses and bacteria.

The solution was to keep cleaning my eyes every day with gauze pads soaked in a gentle cleaning solution. I was good about keeping my eyes clean for a long time, and no longer got anymore eye infections, however, I've slacked off in recent months, and now I'm paying for it.

For me, an eye infection usually begins with me waking up and feeling a little pain in and around my tear duct. Eventually, the edges of my eyelids and my eyeball are in pain. This occurs usually on the first day and by then it is usually too late for an eye cleaning to make any difference. On the second day, I wake up with my eyelids fused shut, red, in pain, and swollen. I can open my eye partially with hot steam or by placing Neosporin or Polysporin on a tissue and creating an eye patch using adhesive tape for first aid. However, even with the eye open a slit, I can't see anything but blurriness.

This is the phase in which things get really uncomfortable. My eye is red and secreting a yellow liquid that dries up on my eyelashes, creating granules. Of course, this is about the same time when my eye starts itching. However, if I rub my eye, the hard granules of dried secretions get under my eyelids and start scratching my eyeball. At that point, my only relief is to pour eye drops into my eye to wash it out, and keep applying the eye patches with bacterial ointment on them. (Only use doctor-approved bacterial ointments, because some should not be applied to the eye. I even had doctors debate over whether I should be using Neosporin and Polysporin in my eyes.) The pressure from the patch holds my eyelids closed, so that the granules can't move around. The heat from the patch causes them to melt and liquefy, and then get absorbed into the tissue.

Usually, by the third or fourth day, I no longer need the eye patches, but can get away with just cleaning the eye and using drops to wash it out. At this phase, the eye is about half-way open, still very red, but secreting a clearer liquid. It usually takes another two to three days before the eye returns to its normal appearance. Although, I can't do much to prevent the infection from becoming full-blown once I feel that first tinge of pain, I can prevent it from spreading to the other eye by constantly washing my hands and trying to avoid rubbing the eye when it itches. If you have to scratch or rub the eyelids, use a tissue.

My eye infections are often coupled with head colds, which include headaches and plugged sinuses. It took me a long time and a lot of work with a lot of different doctors to come to the simple conclusion that all this suffering and temporary blindness can be prevented with daily eye washes. As a patient, I need to keep up my end of the bargain. However, I wanted to share how I do treat my eye infections once I get one since my methods may help others. When you get those granules in your eyes, it can be debilitating, but there are less expensive ways of handling it that going to an urgent care clinic.

So Ironic

2011-02-24T17:41:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Just had to do a quick follow up for my last post, because life is so ironic. First off, every year our school district forces me to take my son to a doctor for a sports physical. They do this because they've had a few kids unexpectedly die while playing sports, only to discover during the autopsy that they had a heart condition. However, sending healthy kids to a doctor's office for a required physical almost always results in sick kids, because they pick up germs while in the waiting room and examining room. Then those germs get passed around to all the family members, and all their coworkers, etc.

So, each year when we go into the doctor's office, I tell my kids not to touch anything and hold their breath as much as possible to avoid inhaling anything, and wash their hands as soon as they get home, etc. Today was the day of my son's sports physical, and right after he went in for his exam, a lady walked into the waiting room who was hacking and coughing all over the place. She walked around the entire waiting room spraying her spittle everywhere, not even trying to spare the rest of us.

So, I zipped my jacket all the way up and pulled the collar up over my mouth and nose, not caring if I hurt her feelings. I just hoped no one I knew walked in, because I'd appear to be a total germophobe, which I admit I am. Sure enough, the door opens and in walks someone I know. He recognized me even though the only thing visible on my face were my eyes and hair.

We got home from my son's appointment to find my husband moaning and holding his belly. Well, remember in my last post how I had to drive to two different grocery stores in search of German chocolate cake for my husband's birthday? Well, it turns out that his secretary baked him a huge coconut cake today and insisted he eat a very large piece. He said to me, "I don't think I can eat any more cake. I'm all sugared out."

Thanks a lot, Mrs. Secretary. I know your heart was in the right place, but please limit birthday celebrations at the office to a card and maybe lunch. Please consider that fact that families often bake or buy cakes for their family members for their birthdays, and now-a-days people in their middle age with high cholesterol and high blood pressure have to limit their sugar intake. Argh! This is bringing back memories of when my kids where little and the grandparents would buy the kids the same gifts that I bought them for birthdays and holidays. Guess who always had to go back to the store to return her duplicate gifts? Lucky me.

Another Lovely Day of Grocery Shopping

2011-02-24T13:53:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

As my "town" grows, my grocery shopping experiences get more and more outrageous. Too many people. That's what my hay farmer said. His bitch is about all the illegal aliens. My bitch is just about too many people in general who can't seem to think for themselves, be considerate to others, and respect personal boundaries.

I hadn't even planned to do the marketing today, except that when my husband did the marketing this past weekend, he didn't get enough food to last us through the week, his birthday is tomorrow and I needed to buy him his favorite cake, and we are supposed to get hit with a big snow storm tomorrow. Of course, everyone else had the same thought: "Oh oh, better get out and stock up on food before this one blows in."

On the way to the market, I noticed that my truck was leaning to one side, which means my tires are low on that side. I made a mental note to check my tires.

On the way into the market parking lot, I thought I had better fill up the tank with gas too while I was at it. I drove around and around, and every pump I was about to pull into got taken by someone else. I finally cut off another driver who was attempting to cut me off to get to a pump, only to discover that my gas tank was on the other side and the pump wouldn't reach that far. I had to get back into my truck and drive around and around until a pump opened up that was on the correct side.

By the time I got done with the gas pump fiasco, I forgot all about my tires being low and didn't check them. I got to the market parking lot, and other drivers were cutting me off left and right. I decided to park as far away from the doors as possible. I parked way out in the lot next to a snow mound and hiked in. Again, I forgot to check the tires.

The main food item we were out of was bread, and when I reached the bread aisle, there was the largest woman I've ever seen blocking the aisle. She was wearing gray sweats, most likely because all other types of clothes pinched and bound her. I can totally relate, but vowed to myself years ago to never go to the market in sweats. I run into too many people I know, and sweats are for exercising in, not for buying food. I was waiting for this woman to move, so I could reach for some bread, but every time she chose an item, her a-hole husband would bark at her that he didn't like that brand. She'd put it back on the shelf, ask him what he wanted, and he said to just hurry up and pick something. She'd choose something else, and he'd bark at her because there was something else about her choice he didn't like.

I said, "Excuse me," and she stepped out of the way for me to pass, but was still blocking me from getting the bread off the shelf. I gave up and did the rest of my shopping, returning to the bread aisle later. The main reason for my shopping trip was to pick up a German chocolate cake for my husband's birthday. That's his favorite, and he's very picky, so nothing else would do. The baker told me that they kept ordering German chocolate cake, but it wasn't coming in any of their shipments. So, that meant going to a second store in search of German chocolate cake.

When I got out to my truck at the back of the lot, I found that someone had parked a long-bed pick up directly behind me, so that I only had about 4-feet of aisle to back into. I figured if I backed up at a certain angle, I could back into an empty parking spot and get out. However, while I was loading my groceries into my truck, a man in a pick up truck took that empty spot I had planned to back into, even though there were plenty of closer parking spaces all over the lot. So, I thought that I could pull forward at an angle to get out, and no sooner did I have that thought, and a mindless woman in a minivan pulled into that spot, and just sat in her van staring at me. She didn't even get out and go into the store. WTF? So, I had to do acrobatics to get out of that spot.

At the second store, I parked behind the store where there were no other vehicles because I wasn't in the mood to wrestle with other drivers. I got inside the store only to discover that every cart and basket was in use. I could only buy as much as I could carry in my arms. I thought, "No problem, I'm only here for German chocolate cake."

I found one little German chocolate cake buried in the back of the display and took it. Then I remembered a couple of items I forgot at the other store and picked those up. Then I saw something I love to eat, but can't find it very often, so I picked up that. Before I knew it, my arms were full, so I carried my pile over to the express line, and there were four other customers in front of me. All the other lines were just as long. Of course, every customer in front of me had to pay with cash and had to count out the exact change, and the checker had to be in training. The manager responded to her pleas for assistance three times while I waited.

Suddenly, my arms, which have been in pain from tennis elbow, started shaking uncontrollably. I didn't know if I was going to make it, so I started looking around frantically for a place to set down my goods, but there was no free surface. I considered asking the lady in front of me if I could put my stuff in her cart, but she didn't look very friendly. I then looked at the ground and thought better of it. Do I really want the food I'm buying to touch a place where people's dirty shoes have walked?

Just when I was about to collapse, the treadmill moved forward and I was able to pile my stuff on it. I made my purchase, walked out behind the store to my truck, and guess what? My truck was surrounded by other vehicles even though there were plenty of spaces in the front of the store. This is what I call the Monkey See -- Monkey Do mentality. People see one vehicle parked in the back of a store, and they automatically assume that the parking in the front is filled up, so they all start parking in the back.

On my ride home I realized that I forgot, for the umpteenth time, to check the air in my tires. I was tempted to pull over right then while I was having the thought, but a UPS truck got on my ass and was pushing me to go faster. We were approaching a dangerous intersection, so I couldn't pull over. I got home, unloaded the groceries, and instantly forgot about checking the tires yet again because I was distracted by all the traffic on my private road. Who are these people? Where do they come from and why must they drive all over my property?

My husband and I just spent days filling holes in the road, and already those holes are dug up from all the unwanted traffic. I'm about ready to go out there and dig the holes deeper to make the road unattractive to strangers, and stick a few sharp, jagged rocks in there for good measure. Not only are drivers attracted to my property, but they seem to be attracted to me too. I'm thinking of making a T-shirt that reads "INFORMATION DESK" because I can't go out in public without strangers pulling over to ask me questions. I took a volunteer job walking dogs at the animal shelter as a way to get out, get some exercise, and get some peace and quiet, but so far it has backfired, because people won't leave me alone. They stop me and search me for information as if I were the Internet.

Sometimes I wonder if someone put a curse on me something to the effect of, "May you get mobbed everywhere you go." Well, now I've got to hike out to the road to pick up the day's mail delivery. Wish me luck.

Best Dental Cleaning Ever

2011-02-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Okay. I know I'm not going to attract many readers with that title, but I feel that I've spent so much time fretting over dental appointments in my blogs that I should at least share with you that I did have the best dental cleaning ever. Hopefully, some hygienists will swing by and read this, because I'm going to explain why it was a good experience for me as the patient.

A little background: I have spent most of my life switching dentists, not so much because I have a problem with the actual dentist, but because I have a problem with the hygienists. There is actually one thing I hate more than being stabbed repeatedly and gagging on my own blood, and that is being criticized, nagged, and overly-educated throughout my cleaning.

It is insulting to the patient when the hygienist behaves as if the patient's teeth gross her out. I once spent a lot of time brushing, flossing, and scraping my teeth before a dental cleaning in order to avoid the usual lectures about home dental care, only to have the hygienist drag some tool across my gums and come up with a chunk of something gross, hold it up to my face and say, "You need to clean your teeth better."

I'm like, "That's what I thought I just did." After each appointment I invest in some other new dental tool to try to stay ahead of the insults and criticisms hoping that some day I'll go in for my cleaning and be praised for what a wonderful job I've been doing caring for my teeth.

I've been so used to my regular hygienist asking, "Are you still caring for your teeth at the same level you have in the past?" and then scrunching up her nose in disgust as I say yes. I knew I had to do something different, because changing dentists once every few years wasn't fixing the problem. I was getting nagged everywhere I went.

So, today I got a substitute hygienist. I forewarned her that I had a tender spot on my gums and a cold sore on the corner of my mouth, and asked her to please not stretch it out and cause me any more pain than necessary. She did a wonderful job adapting to my handicaps, not pushing it. Some hygienists get so fixated on getting every speck of plaque and tarter off the teeth that they'll just keep on stretching out that cold sore and stabbing that sensitive spot, not really caring that they are hurting you. Not this lady. She was even very careful about hanging the suction hook from that corner of my mouth.

But what really amazed me beyond the pain-free cleaning was that for the first time in my life, she complimented me on my home care hygiene. She said I take really good care of my teeth. I was like, "Yes, I do. Thank you for noticing."

I then told her that was the first time in the 40-some years that I've been getting my teeth professionally cleaned that I've received some positive feedback. So many hygienists are focused on pointing out all the problems they find in my mouth. She explained that when she was in dental school, she got points off for not pointing out every little problem she saw to the patient. She told the instructor that she didn't want to do that, because then she would just be nagging the patient, and the patient would have a bad experience and not want to come back. Fortunately, for me, she stuck to her guns and still prefers to encourage people. She does educate her patients, but not in a downgrading manner.

I was sad to find out that her job there at my dentist's office was only temporary, as she has higher aspirations and was looking for work in the public health field. I hope she goes all the way to the top and can help change the face of dental hygiene education so that it is a more productive and positive experience for everyone.

Those Darn Holidays!

2011-02-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Make them stop! Make them stop! All these food and candy related holidays between October and February are killing me. I used to think people get fatter in the winter months because they need to store fat to keep warm, but no! It's the holidays.

I've been walking a lot lately. Several miles a day. Sometimes I go for hikes with the dogs in the mountains, sometimes I got for walk/jogs on flat trails with the dogs, sometimes I walk the animal shelter dogs, which requires fast-walking and running as they drag me along, and on days like yesterday, sometimes I take a long walk in a park with a friend. If it rains or snows, I walk and run on my treadmill. I did lose a couple of pounds after all that hard work, but then...

I wanted to buy a treat for the boys for Valentine's Day. I got a 12-pack of Red Velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting only to discover that my husband doesn't like them and my son is too busy to eat them before they go stale. So, guess who is eating them? Guess how many calories are in one puny cupcake? Nearly 500! That's one meal for me.

I felt bad that I picked out a treat that my husband doesn't like, so I stopped at a world famous chocolate factory near Reno and picked up some chocolates and rock candy. My husband is being picky about that too. It's a good thing I got a variety of chocolates so that at least there are a couple of things in there that he would eat. It's also a good thing that the chocolate and rock candy won't go stale like the cupcakes, so there's no rush to eat them. I can't let food go to waste, especially since it is so dang expensive now.

I might have to take the tray of cupcakes around to the neighbors or something, so that they don't all end up on my hips. All, well most, of my neighbors are skinny, so it won't kill them to eat one. Needless to say, I've already gained back the weight I lost from all that walking, and every muscle in my body is stiff and sore as payment for all my fruitless effort. No sugar! Sugar bad! But sugar so delicious. Mmmmmmm.

Here We Go Again

2011-02-06T08:18:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Okay, I know this is getting boring, but all the weight I lost from my last major effort is creeping back. I figured that after losing my desk job the weight would just melt off. I'm constantly moving. I exercise more. So, what's the problem? Well, in addition to having more time to exercise, I have more time to bake.

My family has been home from school and work so much lately that I've been trying to be Susie Homemaker by baking all kinds of sweets for them. They eat the majority of them, but I certainly don't refrain from tasting my own projects in the kitchen. The more delicious they are, the less I refrain. Ahem.

This is something I know, something I've learned in the past, but when it comes to my taste buds I go into denial: Sugar cancels out all other efforts to lose weight. You can exercise your butt off, but if you let sweet, gooey deliciousness even touch your lips, you're screwed.

During this weekend's marketing, I was so shocked by the cost of everything that I bought only half of what we usually stock up on each week. I was able to get away with it, because both my husband and son are on diets. However, considering that it's only 8:00 in the morning and my husband is eating his third meal, I suspect I will be doing another marketing mid-week. I'm going to start sending him down to the Food Bank if this keeps up, because we can't afford these exorbitant grocery bills. Spring can't get here soon enough for me to start that garden.

In the meantime, I'm making an effort to eat like a rabbit, doing most of my shopping in the produce section and putting pressure on myself to eat each item before it goes bad and ends up in the compost pile. The jackrabbits around her love me. I often toss them wilted heads of lettuce and cabbage. Unfortunately, they're going to have to start finding their greens elsewhere from now on.

Talk of a Garden

2011-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

As time marches on into my fourth month of unemployment, my husband and I have discussed the possibility of starting a vegetable garden to save on grocery bills. Now the government is talking about taxing food. It's really difficult to grow anything in my part of Nevada, but if we are headed for a food shortage as well as inflation and taxes, we'll have to try to grow our own food. We've certainly got plenty of manure to help out.

One of my least favorite things to do, besides laundry and shopping, is weeding. When I've attempted to grow a rose garden and a flower garden in the past, the gardens only lasted a couple of years before I got too busy to weed and the desired items were strangled to death. Watering takes a lot of time and awareness too. You can't water too much or not enough. I've struggled with keeping the grass in our pasture alive all these years. With hay prices going up, it's more important than ever that I get that grass to grow. Last year, I don't think the horses got more than a dozen days of grazing out of it. They chewed it down and it never grew back, even with water, weeding and fertilizer.

My husband mentioned that other people who have the same number of people to shop for as we do only spend about $80 a week on groceries while we are spending hundreds per week. What I'd like to know is what people buy that keeps their grocery bills down to a minimum. What do you buy at the market that is inexpensive and goes a long way?

Stamina Slipping

2011-01-24T13:43:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

My stamina is one thing that I've noticed slipping away as I get older. Physical tasks that used to take me a couple of hours to complete now take days. I have to do them in small increments or I'll pay for my effort in pain and stiffness.

For instance, I used to be able to vacuum the entire house in one try. Now I have to break it up into two rooms a day. I used to be able to clean out all the wooden palettes, rake up all the loose hay, and move all the bales of hay by sliding them down the palettes as I clean them in a couple of hours. However, I've already put two days into this project and will need a third day before I'll get it done.

The raking pinches a nerve in my thumb, elbow and back so I have to quit the job as soon as the pain starts getting bad. Then I usually spend the rest of the afternoon on the couch dreading having to get up to do anything, whether it be simply going to the bathroom or making dinner. When I do get up, I find that my feet won't work for me anymore. Every bone in my foot feels as if it has been crushed. I really don't weigh that much. I think some of the problem is just that the muscles in my feet need time to stretch before I stand after sitting a while to rest my back.

I also can't shovel manure long enough in one session to clean up after three horses. My kids used to help, but one flew the coop and the other has a busy schedule. I'm beginning to regret taking on three horses. Technically, I was supposed to only have two, but I bought a third for a project with the intention of selling one, but was never able to sell her. I worry that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I didn't at the time I took on three horses, but now that I'm getting older and struggling with pain and stiffness, I wish I could have seen into the future and known it would be too much work for me eventually. I'm always amazed when people older than me take up horse ownership late in life.

However, I know that this is always worse once the weather starts warming up at the beginning of the year, in part because I'm out of shape after being in hibernation all winter, and in part because there is so much work to do. Usually, by the end of July my body is used to moving and bending and contorting itself every which way on a daily basis, so pain and stiffness aren't an issue anymore.

Just when I get in good enough shape to pull off a day hike or ride the trails for hours on end, winter comes, and the cycle of pain starts all over. I'm a bit skeptical that working out on gym equipment all winter is the solution, because it's not the same movement as shoveling or raking or hauling 60-pound bales of hay around. It might keep me slimmer and stronger. It would definitely help, but I may have to invent a fitness machine that imitates raking and shoveling and hauling to prevent further stamina slippage.

Bulk Marketing

2011-01-23T06:33:00.000-08:00

by Nuzzling Muzzles

We have three grocery stores in town that are all side-by-side. We steer clear of one of them, because all it seems to sell is sweets in bulk and you can see a definite difference in the weight and health of the people who shop there. Not to mention that some driver nearly plows into us every time we drive or walk through the parking lot. It's as if everyone who shops there is so hopped up on sugar that they may as well be driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

The market we shop at is the oldest one in town, and we used to like it because they always had plenty of check stands open and courtesy clerks to help us with our groceries. However, due to financial problems, those perks have gone away. The third market carries a lot of health foods placing an emphasis on their produce department, but their parking lot is a bear to get in and out of, and the spaces are way too narrow, so you risk getting dents and door dings with each visit.

Occasionally, we make the long trek up into the city to shop at Wal-Mart, because we can save a lot of money, buy in bulk, and they sell a few products there that you can't get anywhere else. However, there is one thing besides the long drive and the crowds that makes me hesitate about shopping there. Almost every time I buy something in bulk, the checker has to make fun of me.

I mean, come on, even if you are a checker in a store, you can still show respect for people's choices even if you don't understand them, can't you? It's called professionalism. I can understand how people stuck in low paying jobs with poor benefits in this economy can be unhappy with their jobs, but don't take it out on the customer.

I like to stock up on cereals like Cheerios and Wheaties when I go to Wal-Mart, because I can buy a huge box for around $2.50 where a smaller sized box costs around $6.50 in my local markets. Because I don't live near Wal-Mart and can't afford to be wasting gas driving there every week, I tend to buy three boxes of each cereal. That always gets the cashiers going with comments about how much cereal we eat, and is usually followed up with his or her eyeballs running up and down my body to judge how many pounds overweight I might be.

I sigh and say, "We're not going to eat it all at once. This should last a family of four several months."

I also like to buy T.P., paper towels, tissues, and napkins in bulk. I have to be careful not to load up my cart with T.P. on the same day that I load up my cart with fiber breads and cereals and granola bars, because then I really get jabbed in the checkout line. Even if I make it through without the cashier hassling me, all the other customers in line start turning around and studying the contents of my cart while poking their friends and whispering to them.

Jack-in-the-Box even made a commercial years ago poking fun at people who buy T.P. in bulk. They show old big head himself looking in someone's cart and saying, "Whoa! Too much fiber?" or something to that effect. I guess city people just can't understand what it is like to live in a rural area where grocery prices are out of this world so that they have to drive a long ways into a city every couple of months to stock up on necessities.

I'm thinking I might need to start dishing it out to those who poke fun at me. Perhaps point out their protruding bellies or focus on all the beer in their carts. Nah. I wouldn't do that. You know why? Because I try to have some class... even with a 20-roll pack of T.P. under my arm and a granola bar clasped between my teeth.

Mid-Winter Report

2011-01-10T09:06:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I just read in the paper that my husband is going to get another pay cut beginning July 1st. This is painful. He's already had several pay cuts and is required to take unpaid furlough days. I lost my job in October. We've been through this before, only it was worse, because either we were both out of work at the same time or he was the one out of work and I was making a measly salary. So, I know we can survive.

The only difference, which unfortunately is a big difference, is that come August we will have to start paying for two college educations.

Talk about stress.

In the meantime, I'm battling daily problems related to horse management. The thought that I may have to find other homes for my horses eventually is creeping into my head and upsetting me. Winter is expensive. I can't put the horses out to pasture to save on hay. Despite placing a $200 tarp over the hay to protect it, the tarp still rips in the wind and moisture seeps into the hay, causing mold and waste. I have been throwing out hay at an alarming rate.

You can't feed moldy hay to horses, because they will colic and possibly die. I can't get my hay farmer to replace the lost bales, because my lack of reliable covering was what caused the mold to form. It had nothing to do with the way he baled the hay. Hay is expensive -- about $12 a bale. When you consider that my three horses chew through a bale a day, it doesn't seem like much compared to what people eat, but it does all add up.

Stall shavings and litter are expensive too at $8 to $10 a bag and requiring 4 bags per each of my 3 stalls and only lasting one week, so I've been leaving the horses outdoors at night in single-digit temperatures with their blankets on to prevent them from standing in the moisture in their stalls, which can cause bacterial infections, such as thrush. Horses in the wild survive winter in the highlands without blankets and stalls, but my horses are used to creature comforts, so I feel bad for suddenly subjecting them to this new routine.

I've had my hands full with heavy lifting and barn chores thanks to winter. Yesterday I actually inflamed my elbow tendons from swinging a sledgehammer to break through the ice in the four water troughs that don't have de-icers thanks to a lack of outdoor electrical outlets, followed by a lot of hammering to install curtain rods that will hopefully eventually lead to more insulation to keep us warmer inside the house. I also rearranged my haystack to air it out and avoid mold, which meant dragging 70-pound bales around. I've been carrying buckets of hot water out to the water troughs as well, to help make it easier to break up the ice.

I think about how hard it would have been for me to keep up with all these problems if I still had my 60-hour a week job, and in some ways I'm grateful that I'm not struggling with juggling my time. The majority of my exercise from this time off has come in the form of seemingly endless barn chores. I spend so much time outside in freezing temperatures trying to provide safe and survivable conditions for my horses that my husband has to keep coming outside to check on me to see if I'm still alive. I'm beginning to take these reports that we are officially in an Ice Age quite literally.

I don't know if it's the fact that I'm getting older or if this is actually the worst winter we've experienced in our 21 years of living in the Eastern Sierra. I want to move, but don't have the money or support from family members. It's four against one, including my mother who owns our house. Some days I think I just need to start setting myself up for old age by eliminating all the heavy lifting and hard labor from my life, but then I think again and know that it is all these barn chores that are keeping me in shape and probably contributing to me having a longer life.

A Shot of Adrenaline

2010-12-22T14:54:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Remember those posts I used to write about my job in which it always seemed that both my phones would ring, someone would come to the door, and I'd receive multiple instant messages all at the same time? I'd get a good shot of adrenaline pumping through my body as I attempted to answer everyone all at the same time. I've always known I would make a terrible medical receptionist. I'm just not organized enough to keep putting people on hold to answer other lines.

Anyway, handling communications with my photography business has been easy so far. I've mainly just received emails, and not from customers, so I can answer the emails at my convenience. My business phone is a mobile phone. However, even with the ring on the loudest volume, I cannot hear it if I am in another room, so I have had to train myself to carry my mobile phone with me every time I go to the bathroom or go into the kitchen for a snack or go outside to muck stalls.

So far I am failing at learning this new routine. Today I had to drive out into the snow to pick up new contact lenses for my son and get more check registers at the bank. I always make sure my mobile phone is in my purse in case I need it in an emergency when I'm out of the house.

The problem is remembering to get the phone out of my purse once I return home. If I can't hear it ringing in another room, I certainly can't hear it ringing in my purse in another room. So, after I got home, I used the restroom, talked to my kids, made and ate lunch, fed the horses, cleaned stalls, watched a little TV, and then sat down at my computer to do some writing. That's when it hit me that my phone was still inside my purse.

"Oh well, I've been in business since June and no one had phoned me yet, so I doubt I missed anything," I thought. I pulled my phone out of my purse and found a voicemail from my very first customer. I gasped, feeling embarrassed that I missed the call. Then I started thinking about how it is three days before Christmas and what a terrible time for someone to be needing portrait services. I'll bet most photographers are on vacation.

I tried listening to the message a second time to verify that I wrote the phone number down correctly, and guess what happened. The battery died. My mobile phone battery monitor lies. It always shows it to be 3/4ths of the way full when it dies. So, I called the number of the customer from my home phone land line and she didn't pick up... probably because she didn't recognize the number. Sigh.

I left a message telling her about my services and asking her to call me back, but so far I haven't heard back from her, despite keeping my mobile phone right next to me. I'll bet she found another photographer to do that job in the time I was farting around mindlessly without my phone. Argh!

I was really hoping to at least get one job before Jan. 15th so that I can actually file for taxes. I don't know if the Feds will believe me if I tell them that I've been in business since June and haven't made a dime. On the other hand, if they are truly aware of how depressed our economy is, then perhaps they will understand.

After I used my land line to return her call, it suddenly hit me that it was an out-of-state area code, so that phone call alone is going to cost me a few bucks. Ultimately, I'm just glad that someone knows my business exists. I've been working hard trying to get it listed in as many directories as possible. I had decided that once the weather starts clearing up, if I still didn't have any customers, I was going to get a grunt job, but still keep the photography business open to do on the weekends.

In other news, I've been looking and feeling healthier from just a few random days here and there of jogging with the dogs. My pants are falling off me. Of course, once I start baking Christmas cookies, that will cancel it all out. ;)

The Unplanned Jog

2010-12-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

We had a couple of days of warm, dry weather, but now the clouds are moving in again, so I wanted to get out one last time before the mud and ice holds me hostage in my home. I took the dogs to a local dog and horse park for a walk since they did so well on our hike in the mountains on Saturday.

As I pulled into the parking lot the first thing I saw was a dog off leash. The second thing I saw was a sign saying that all dogs must be kept on leash. Jeez. The things people will do when they think no one is looking. However, as soon as I got my dogs out of the truck, they did put the loose dog on a leash.

We began walking, but both Scrappy and Midge were so excited to be in a new place that they pulled me along. Scrappy stopped to sniff every bush and rock, but still managed to keep the pace. He'd take a quick sniff and then catch up with us before I reached the end of the leash.

At one point I thought I may as well run beside them at their pace instead of putting all my energy into trying to make them heel. Eventually, I'll insist that they heel, but for now they are just so excited to be off the property that I want them to have fun. So, I started running and the dogs ran beside me.

I ran for quite a ways and realized that I wasn't out of breath and my legs didn't hurt. I can actually run. For some reason when I workout on my treadmill I feel uncomfortable in one way or another so quickly that I have to abandon ship. However, I might just be able to take up jogging as long as I've got my dogs next to me encouraging me along. I can't wait until spring. I hope I'm still motivated to jog once we start getting consistently warm, dry weather. I hope I still have the time for it too.

2010 Experiment Revisited

2010-12-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

With 2010 coming to a close, I need to wrap up my findings. To summarize, I was repeatedly sick from November of 2009 through January of 2010 and I wanted to improve my health through experimenting with what I eat and how I exercise. In one old post, I mentioned 10 things that I was struggling with that I knew I needed to change. I'm going to list those 10 items here and reflect on them:

1. I want to totally give up coffee, but so far I have only succeeded in cutting back.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: As I sit here typing this post, I have a huge tumbler filled with Half-Caff beside me. Enough said.

2. I want to replace drinking cow's skim milk with soy milk, but I find that the soy milk leaves a bad taste in my mouth, so I keep reaching for the skim milk instead.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: Since the time of that writing, I read that cow's milk with some fat in it is actually necessary in helping one lose weight, so I've been drinking 1% and sometimes 2% cow's milk. It hasn't seemed to hurt me.

3. I keep waking up in the middle of the night hungry, and I can't get back to sleep without fixing myself a snack.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: A nurse helped me with this by rearranging my medication schedule, so now I get a full night's sleep. No more midnight snacks.

4. I have my limit as to how many of the same vegetables I can eat. My body and taste buds quickly rebel over shoveling too much of a strong-tasting vegetable into my mouth, and I get nauseated. I usually end up giving my leftover veggies to the dogs.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I find something else healthy to eat and switch to munching on it when I get sick of the vegetables, and then I switch back to eating the vegies. If I have leftovers, I save them for later.

5. I love salmon and crab meat, but my family is about ready to kill me for cooking too much of it. They hate crab meat. There must be something in crab meat that my body craves, because I get hankerings for it and think it is melt-in-your-mouth delicious.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I managed to get over this craving for some reason. I guess there was something my body needed at the time that was in crab meat.

6. I have to retrain myself when in the office, because my company stocks a larger array of candy and soda than one might find in a candy store. They just pick up huge boxes of bulk candies at Costco and there is chocolate around every turn. I'm not kidding you when I say that there is a floor-to-ceiling utility shelf in the women's restroom filled with boxes of Twix, Kit Kats, Rolos, 3 Musketeers, Reeses, Starburst, Milky Way, Snickers, Krackle... anything sweet you can imagine is there. It's the company's way of bribing employees to work longer hours. Management has this attitude that if they are feeding us, we should just keep working. They don't seem to understand that simple sugars cause an energy crash and make it more difficult for people to think. I'm still in a phase where I think that one snack a week won't hurt, but it does. I need to grab a granola bar instead.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I got laid off from my job. Woo-hoo! It was probably the best thing that ever happened to my health. In the month's before my lay off, the company was running out of money, so it stopped stocking junk food.

7. I'm trying to slowly lessen the AMOUNT that I eat, but am not tolerating the hunger pains very well. I can't concentrate on my job when I'm hungry, and I can't sleep at night on an empty stomach.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I'm in a really good place right now. Without the stress of work, I am rarely hungry. In fact, I have to remind myself to eat, and I have such a lack of interest in eating that it's easy to choose healthy foods since I don't have any sugar cravings.

8. I'm trying to train myself to take my vitamins every morning. So far, remembering the vitamins has been hit or miss, depending on how rushed I am. I also need to take them on a full stomach. Otherwise, I get nauseated.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: Vitamins are still hit and miss, but I feel well enough that I don't think I need to take them every day.

9. I'm suddenly remembering why I originally went off my health food diet. The gas pains brought on by consuming too many vegetables and other forms of fiber are intolerable. I'll have to add taking some kind of anti-gas pill to my list of morning vitamins.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I think this was probably a combination of stress and vegie/fiber intolerance, because now I can eat vegies and fiber without getting gas pains. Maybe I've built up a tolerance. Ultimately, I think that if you take stress out of the equation, it can resolve a lot of problems.

10. I'm already having to fight for the time to prepare healthy foods, because my employer is being very aggressive about monopolizing my time. My boss told everyone in my department that we are expected to work every weekend for the next six weeks. One would think that if I agree to give up my personal time -- time that I need to do the marketing for my family, keep the house clean, run errands, do chores, and spend time with my kids -- my company should at least allow me a relaxed, peaceful lunch break each day, but no, management is always breathing down my neck. I may have to just shut everything down in the middle of the day: No computer, no phone. Period. Otherwise, I end up grabbing whatever is fastest to eat, which isn't always what is healthiest.
DECEMBER ASSESSMENT: I'm my own boss now. I eat and exercise when I want.

OVERALL ASSESSMENT: I'm still not as healthy as I'd like to be. I recently had to see the doctor about a persistent cough. I'm finishing up my antibiotics today, and the cough is worse than ever. Now when I have coughing fits, I can't breathe and I cough until I almost vomit. Something desperately wants to get out of my lungs. I did stop taking the Lisinopril for my blood pressure early on in the game plan, but that hasn't helped get rid of the cough. I'm hoping it will eventually work and that I'm just experiencing the residuals of being on Lisinopril.

The doctor said that as long as my blood pressure doesn't get over 130-something over 80-something, I won't need a new prescription to replace the Lisinopril, and so far my blood pressure has been holding steady at 13x/8x. It seems that the Lisinopril was also responsible for my recent episodes of fatigue. That is going away now that I'm off it.

The best thing about my change in diet is that my sweet tooth has been subdued. There was a time, if given the choice, I would always choose the sweetest cereal. Now when I reach for a cereal, I prefer the healthier brands. Too much sugar makes me feel ill. I still occasionally like to buy or bake cookies, but I just have one cookie once every few days instead of nibbling on them throughout the day simply because they are there and I can. Of course, ideally, I should reject sugar and empty calories all together. I'm getting there.

I still need to start and stick to an exercise regimen. I need to make exercise a part of my lifestyle. Right now I only work out when I am bored and think of it. I do get plenty of exercise doing farm chores and I spend a lot less time sitting now that I've lost my desk job, but I should be more disciplined in targeting specific areas of my body for exercise and strength. I can't use a lack of time as an excuse anymore, yet when I look back on my days I can't exactly say I'm wasting time. I'm using my time wisely working on my new business and am exhausted by evening. I'm my own boss now, so I should just work an hour of exercise into my schedule, which requires forming a new habit. I think I can get there.

Stress-wise, I still spend much of my days solving unexpected problems. I'm training myself to slow down and take it one step at a time instead of freaking out over time lost. Three months ago before I lost my job, my most used phrase was, "When am I going to have time for this?"

Now I have the time to deal with hassles, but I have to change my mindset so that I don't overreact each time something goes wrong. A part of me knows it is only a matter of time before I have to get a new job that pays on a predictable schedule (unlike photography), so I think knowing that my free time is only temporary adds to my stress. I think to myself -- hurry up and get as much done as you possibly can right now before you have to get a job, which will leave you with no time at all to take care of things.

Just as I was writing this, my son was late for school and trying to print out his homework assignment, and OF COURSE, the printer had to run out of ink. I had to leap up out of my chair to get another computer and printer up and running for him. There was no time, though, so he just took the poor printout to school. It's always something. I was thinking of going into the city to buy some special printer paper today -- something that was optional that I could do or not do depending on how I feel and the weather, but now I have to go into the city to get ink as well. Sigh. It's amazing how quickly the plans for your day get changed for you.

Or it's amazing how quickly the plans for your year get changed for you, for that matter. The 2010 Experiment was semi-successful, but I still need to carry it over into 2011.

For Every Cure There is a Disease

2010-11-30T18:36:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've had a hacking cough for the past three months. It wakes me and everyone else in the house up in the middle of the night, and I have to take an antihistamine to settle it down and dry it out so that we can go back to sleep. My husband and son have been asking me to go in to see a doctor and get chest x-rays. To me, it was just an annoying cough with no other symptoms, so I didn't think it was necessary to get medical care at first, but then yesterday fluid started filling up in my lungs, I got a sore throat, a headache, chills, fatigue, and an ear ache.

I saw the doctor today, and explained how the cough I had for the previous three months was not connected to any cold, flu or allergy. It just started to bring on other symptoms yesterday. My doctor immediately checked the time line of my health care and quickly figured out that my cough began when another doctor had prescribed Lisinopril to me to control my blood pressure. He said that Lisinopril is notorious for causing a persistent cough.

However, listening to my lungs, he did say I had some junk in there, so he prescribed Doxycycline Hyclate. He said that if the antibiotics don't knock out the cough, then I should go off the Lisinopril and monitor my blood pressure. If it gets above 130-something over 80-something, then I should call him and we'll look for some other blood pressure medication to bring it down that doesn't cause me to cough.

This is not the first time that the side effects of a prescription drug landed me in the doctor's office. At the time I was put on the Lisinopril for my high blood pressure, I had to be taken off Zovia, because it might have been contributing to my high blood pressure. On another occasion, I had a whole slew of symptoms that mimicked Multiple Sclerosis. I went through all this rigmarole getting brain scans and whatnot, and it turned out that the Gabapentin I had been put on to control my Essential Tremor was the cause of all of those strange side effects. Once I went off it, I was fine.

Knowing this, and having been burned so many times by the side effects of prescription drugs, I think I'll save myself some money in the future by first suspecting and researching the drugs I'm taking, then call the doctor and request a replacement drug that serves the same purpose, but doesn't cause the same side effects. I'm looking forward to being able to breathe again and get through an entire night's sleep.

Of course, the side effect of taking the Doxycycline Hyclate to clear up my lung infection is cold sores on my lips, so I'll have to invest another $20 in some Abreva to nip that in the bud. Prescription drugs are a never-ending cycle of solving problems with problems. It's best to avoid them all together if you can.

Where Did All This Pain and Stiffness Come From?

2010-11-21T07:07:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

My general muscle pain and stiffness has been getting worse each week. At first I thought it was just the natural course of things after doing too much physical activity during the day, but now that winter and snow are here, I spend most of my time sitting indoors because the extreme cold causes me discomfort. Still I wake up in the morning stiff and in pain. It's like my ankles won't flex, so I'm walking on stumps.

My back feels like I spent the night strapped to a washboard. Even my fingers are stiff. My husband's response is, "Welcome to my world."

I guess he's been feeling this way for a long time. I'm just baffled over how I can move freely without any soreness for so many years, and then one day my body just decides to give me a hard time. I'm not even 50 years old yet. I thought I'd be pestered with these kind of health problems in my 70's.

I went out to lunch with a friend in her 70's the other day and really felt her pain. She didn't say anything, but I could see it in her eyes. I have a very comfortable couch, but she had to grab a pillow and prop it up behind her back while sitting on it. I purposefully chose a restaurant that has comfortable booths for her sake, and when she sat down there, her back stiffened up, she sucked in her breath, and held it while her eyes bulged out of her head in pain. Poor woman.

Somehow she managed to recently move all her belongings and herself several hundred miles by herself. I offered to help, but she didn't take me up on it. I'm hoping I can still do some heavy lifting when I'm her age. However, at the rate I'm going with not even being able to walk upright most days, I doubt heavy lifting will be in my near future.

I'm planning on taking two approaches to remedying this problem. First, I'm going to take it easy a little longer and see if that helps. If not, then I will start a consistent exercise regimen that begins and ends with a lot of stretching. If that still doesn't make a difference, I'll see a doctor, but I think four pills a day is my limit. I'm not interested in any more drug prescriptions.

Eat Healthy While You Can

2010-11-16T11:25:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Early this morning I received a strange phone call from a woman who completely botched my name. Usually, these are sales or charity calls, so I just put them off in one way or another, but for some reason this time I decided to find out who it was and what they wanted. Good thing.

It turned out that it was a doctor's office that needed to get in touch with my mother, but they had the wrong phone number for her. In fact, they botched the pronunciation of her name so severely that it didn't surprise me that they got her phone number wrong as well. I gave them the correct number and hung up. All of the sudden it hit me that this was not the name of my mother's doctor, which means she must be seeing a new specialist.

I instantly Googled the name of the doctor and the city she lives in. It turned out there were ten doctors with that last name in her city, and the majority were cardiologists. I gave them some time to call my mother and talk to her, and then I called her to find out what was going on.

Just a few weeks ago she had a blood test and was diagnosed with diabetes. We already knew that. Her doctor put her on a special diet. However, when she went back in for another blood test, they discovered another problem. A heart problem. I don't know exactly what it is yet, but basically all the green vegetables she's been eating to maintain her diabetic diet are causing her blood to thicken, and her heart isn't strong enough to circulate all that sludge. So, now she's being told that she has to cut green vegetables out of her diet.

She was upset, because she had just spent a lot of money on vegetables and cooked up several meals in advance, and now she was going to have to throw it all out. I suggested that she give the vegetables to her neighbors. I know she loves her veges, so this is going to be difficult for her. I advised her to make sure that her general practitioner and her cardiologist work together to find a diet for her that protects her from both diabetes and heart disease.

These are scary times. Two families, including mine, have invited my mother for Thanksgiving dinner, but she's opting out since what she can and can't eat is still up in the air. She also doesn't feel comfortable traveling knowing that she has a weak heart, and traffic stresses her out. I wish we could travel the 400 miles to her house and make something for her, but our daughter is flying in from Arizona on Thanksgiving, so we have to be at the airport to pick her up, and then return her to the airport a couple of days later.

At any rate, I know I'm due to make the 400-mile trip to visit my mother soon. I've learned that I can't trust what my relatives say over the phone regarding their health. I just have to see for myself. My mother is very independent and loves her alone time and privacy. I've been trying to get her to live closer to us for years, but she won't do it.

She has also said that she won't ever go into a nursing home ever again after her experience in one when she had a broken leg. That's one thing we agree upon. That nursing home tried to hold her hostage by claiming that she had Alzheimer's Disease, which was complete B.S. My mother has a better memory than I do. They just wanted her insurance money. I ended up busting her out of that joint and hiring a live-in nurse to care for her in her own home until her leg healed.

Anyway, now that her physical health is failing her between the osteoporosis, the diabetes and the heart problem, she may have to loosen her grip on her independence and let someone take care of her for a change.

Free for One and a Half Months

2010-11-13T18:32:00.000-08:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I wanted to take stock of my health now that I've been out of my desk job for a month and a half. I haven't developed any kind of exercise routine because I haven't exactly had "free" time. I've been busier than ever, but the good news is that I've been busy MOVING as opposed to SITTING. I'm using my arms and legs more than my brain and fingers.

My jeans have been slipping down my waist and hips, which is a new experience for me. I decided to brave the scale and found that I still weigh in the vicinity of what I've always weighed. So, I'm just toning up as opposed to losing weight. My husband told me he noticed I've been looking more shapely than usual.

I started using my calorie software again today to see why I haven't been losing weight, and the answer is...

Hell if I know.

I only consumed 720 calories today, subtracting what was burned during exercise, and I ate more than what I have been eating most days. I guess it's what Maia said about not eating enough. I kind of like not feeling hungry all the time, which is the way it was when I was using my brain and fingers all the time. I'm afraid that if I start eating more I'll start getting hungry more.

The only physical problems I've had this past month and a half are a weird cough that comes from deep in my right lung once every few hours, and my feet hurt if I get off them for a short while and then try to stand up. I guess the muscles in my feet just aren't used to having to support my entire body all day. Dang desk job.

Interestingly enough, my husband mentioned that his department is losing employees left and right to health problems. People are getting so overweight, out of shape, and ill from sitting at desks for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, that they have to retire early because they just can't function at their jobs anymore.

Small Adjustments = Big Steps

2010-11-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

So much of losing weight and getting into better health involves changing habits, and thus your lifestyle. For instance, when my husband and I got ready to go to the polling place to vote this morning, I grabbed the car keys out of habit and he said, "Let's walk."

Yes, walking is a much wiser choice than driving when you are trying to get into better shape, so walk we did.

For lunch I had a fruit cup, but I have problems eating both large amounts of fruit and large amounts of vegetables without getting totally satiated. I have a few bites, can't stand the taste and texture anymore and put the leftovers away. Then I'm hungry and eating something else just an hour or two later. This time as soon as I feel like I can't have another bite of fruit, I interject with a handful of nuts or a whole grain Fig Newton -- something to appease my palette with a different taste and texture. Then I can have some more fruit and fill up on the good stuff.

A good goal to changing habits would be to find at least one behavior you do each day and adjust it so that it benefits your body.

Shocked

2010-10-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I received a letter from my mother this week that was shocking. She had fasted all night for a blood test in the morning, and the blood test revealed that her potassium levels were dangerously low. She was ushered over to an urgent care clinic where they put her on a potassium drop from 8:30 AM until 4:00 PM without providing her any food. A couple of days later at a follow-up appointment with her doctor she was informed that she has diabetes.

This is disturbing to me on many levels. First off, my mother lives alone 400 miles away from me and the thought that she could fall into a diabetic coma and no one would ever know is rather upsetting to me. I may have to force her to come live with us or at least start phoning her every day. Secondly, my mother is the last person I would expect to develop diabetes. She eats so healthy and has always been lean and strong. No one on her side of the family has ever had diabetes. Suddenly, she has to monitor and measure out everything she eats.

Of course, this makes me take my own food intake more seriously. It's frustrating to know that too much of one food or not enough of another can kill you or result in a limb being amputated. I know that diabetes is not a death sentence, but Alzheimer's Disease does run in my family on the maternal side and it's only a matter of time before my mother starts getting forgetful, which is a trait that doesn't mesh well with diabetes. But I guess we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Lately it's been all about just putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make it until bedtime without my world falling apart. I've been so consumed by my horses' health problems these past few weeks, along with my endless To Do List that grows longer by the minute, that I haven't even been able to workout in my home gym at all. I'm on the move all day doing chores and by the time I get a chance to sit down, I can't get back up. Every muscle in my body is sore, especially the arches of my feet. The last time I had foot pain it was because I was so overweight that my tiny feet couldn't carry everything above them. I'm hoping this time the pain is just caused by me being on my feet all day.

Who Was I Fooling?

2010-10-21T08:02:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Here I was thinking I was shedding weight by staying on the move making hard physical labor my workout, skipping meals and snacks, and taking the time to prepare something healthy once I did eat. That would help most people lose weight, wouldn't it?

Well, I've been in my new routine for three weeks now, and all I've done is gain weight. It makes no sense. Every evening I am so sore from doing all my chores that I can barely walk. When I wake up in the morning, I'm still sore, feeling like I got hit by a truck. I just take some Ibuprofen and start another day of torturing my muscles doing odd tasks that are not natural for humans like painting ceilings, climbing up and down ladders for hours on end, and dragging half-filled water troughs around.

I'm definitely building up muscle and getting stronger, but not seeing any progress regarding weight loss. So, even after I hit my wall last night, I pushed it by playing a few games of tennis, just trusting I'd get a second wind. I did. It was fun, but I'm sure I could play tennis every evening for the next year and won't have anything to show for it.

There is something about my body that is way beyond stubborn. It just doesn't respond to normal diet and exercise methods. I have way too much to do around the ranch to be wasting hours in a gym, so the ranch has to become my gym. For breakfast, I've been having small bowls of healthy cereals, half of what I usually pour for myself. For lunch I have apple slices and grapes more often than not. Occasionally, I have a tuna melt or turkey sandwich. For dinner, I have a bowl of salad. Most people have salad as an appetizer. I have it for dinner. I very rarely sit or lie down. I'm almost always moving. So, why am I 50 pounds overweight?

I thought going off the hormone therapy would help me instantly drop 10 or 15 pounds like it has in the past, but it didn't do anything for me this time around. All it has done is make me suffer through cramps that rival kidney stones for two weeks out of the month.

I suspect this inability to lose weight is an age thing. I was cruising around Facebook checking out pictures of people I once knew long ago, and even the skinniest little girls are now chunky. Some are even lumpy in the face. There are also a lot of people who try to hide their faces behind sunglasses and by cropping half their face out of the frame all under the guise of art. Those who choose not to show anything opt to post pictures of their dogs instead of themselves or just take the default portrait logo.

I found that two old friends from middle school ended up moving the 400 miles away from our hometown to the same location as I did and are still in my vicinity. I was tempted to contact one of them until I remembered that she was in the habit of dropping by my house all the time without calling ahead. That may have been fine when we were kids, but I'm way too busy for that now. I decided not to open that can of worms. Though I do enjoy finding out what people did with their lives, ultimately I'm a once-every-ten-years socializer at best.

Do you go to your high school reunions? How do people change?

Another Bout With Insomnia

2010-10-14T05:01:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

The medication I've been taking to help me sleep only lasts for four hours, so right on cue at 2:00 AM each morning, I wake up. Sometimes I can get back to sleep after eating something. Sometimes I can't. When I can't, I either stay up and regret it during the day, or I have to take another pill. I've been trying to train myself not to think once I wake up, because once I start thinking about something, there's no turning back. My own thoughts keep me awake.

On this morning thoughts of what to do about my over-eager, unwanted "friend" occupied my mind. The guy I mentioned in my last post just won't leave me alone. He has these patterns of behavior that disturb me. He goes through a phase in which he pressures me to go on a lunch date with him or work out with him, and when I say no, he then insists that I bring my husband for dinner at his place. It's as if he forgets that I'm married and he's married, and he starts courting me. Then when I block his advances, the logical side of his brain kicks in and he remembers that I have a husband, so he tries snaring me into spending more time with him by inviting my husband to tag along. His latest imposition has been to invite himself and his family over to my house to see my horses.

He keeps putting me in these uncomfortable situations where I have to repeatedly say NO. Then he thinks that perhaps I just didn't like the activity he suggested, and he suggests something else. I simply have no interest in forming any kind of a relationship with this man. Whatever he suggests is always going to receive a NO from me, but he just doesn't get it. I'm baffled by his desperation to get together with me. I keep thinking back to our past conversations, wondering what I did or said that made this man get so obsessed with me.

He keeps complimenting me the way a young single man who is interested in dating a young single woman might do. Each compliment makes me gag. I don't fall for flattery. He's always asking me questions, trying to get as much information about myself out of me as possible. At first I thought it was harmless conversation, but he remembers everything I've said to him, and he brings it up later to use against me or manipulate me. So, for that reason, I don't want to speak to him anymore.

I tried avoiding him that last time he came by, but he came by two hours early and caught me outside doing my chores. I continued to do my chores while he followed me around talking to me, asking personal questions, and pressuring me to get together with him. The entire time my skin was crawling. I kept trying to go in the house to get away from him, and he kept stopping me with one more question or one more comment. I think I need to start carrying my mobile phone with me everywhere I go, and put my son on speed dial, so I can send him a signal to tell him to call me. Then when my phone rings I can excuse myself and walk away. I just keep getting into these situations where people monopolize my time and won't release me from their social grip.

Anyway, this man has done a number of other strange things that frighten both me and my husband. In one case, he stepped up onto some gym equipment right next to my husband at a public gym, and started trying to compete with him to show him how much stronger and faster he is than my husband. My husband just wanted to be alone and work out at his own pace, and this guy was creeping him out. On another occasion, he came to my house after leaving the gym and said to me multiple times that he needed to change his pants. Why didn't he change his pants at the gym? You can change your clothes all you want in the gym dressing room. At the time I thought he wanted to change his pants in his truck, so I went in the house to give him his privacy, but now I think he was trying to manipulate me into allowing him to change inside my house. He seems to be trying really hard to talk his way into my house, but I don't even let my neighbors in my house when they come to the door.

We have a lot of personal stuff in our home and we don't like the questions we receive when people see those things. I hate it when I have to let repairmen into my home, because they get so damn nosy about our hobbies and interests. I want to say, "Just unclog the friggin' toilet, will ya?"

Another time a while back he kept coming to the door and ringing the doorbell, which got my dogs into hysterics, so I had to tell him not to come to the door anymore, and I even put masking tape over the doorbell for good measure. I had my husband answer the door, because I didn't want to deal with the guy, but he kept coming back and ringing the doorbell as if trying to get us to let him inside our house. My husband would just step outside onto the porch to find out what he wanted. Most of the time it was just that he wanted to say hello or goodbye. We just wanted to eat our dinner and have our family time in peace.

What it comes right down to is that I get a bad feeling about this guy. He presents himself as a wolf in sheep's clothing. He's very friendly and overly-polite, but I know he has some kind of bizarre agenda. His behavior is abnormal. I know from experience that my impressions of people always pan out later to show me that my suspicions were right on the mark. I'm an excellent judge of character. This guy is trouble, so I have to get him out of my life as quickly as possible, but also have to be careful not to jilt him or he might seek revenge. I suspect I'm not going to get much sleep until I feel safe again.

Mental Labor vs. Physical Labor and Hunger

2010-10-09T01:45:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

When I was chained to a keyboard all day with my job, hunger was my worst enemy. I often ate two breakfasts, one around 6:00 AM and the other around 9:30 AM. Then I tried to have lunch at noon, though I most often ate it while working at my desk. I was often hungry at 3:00 PM and had a snack, then had dinner around 6:00 PM and a midnight snack thanks to my insomnia.

However, now that I am no longer forced to remain at my desk for every waking hour, I'm out shoveling manure, cleaning out water troughs, painting walls and fences, moving furniture, doing housework and whatnot. As a result, I am always on the move from sun up until sundown. Interestingly, hunger doesn't visit me when I'm physically busy. I can go all day without even thinking about eating. Without the stress of my job, I don't even feel hungry when I wake up in the morning. Many times this week I have completely forgotten about lunch, and when dinnertime arrived, I had to confess to my family that I wasn't hungry, but if they wanted me to make something for them I could.

At the rate I'm going skipping meals, I may be able to get back down to a manageable weight. One of the downsides of losing my job is that now people are trying to schedule my time for me, almost as if they think I no longer have a purpose and need their help to feel like I'm of value. (No, I'm not talking about you, Lisa. Your proposed venture is welcome.) The truth is that I have a To Do List that is a mile long and it will probably take a year for me to cross off everything on the list. I am so jealous of people who wake up and say, "Let's see... what shall I do today?"

I think what astounds me the most is discovering just how long it takes to get simple tasks done. Tonight I literally spent four hours designing and ordering business cards! I spent two hours painting half a wall and was exasperated to discover that this job is going to require a second coat. I also have put in many hours troubleshooting and repairing a broken printer, a broken mobile phone, a broken paper shredder, a broken shop vac, broken photo editing software, and a broken vacuum cleaner. Everything I touch breaks. When I had a job, I just replaced what broke by forking out the cash, but now I have to take the time to fix the stuff myself.

I've been avoiding one neighbor who stops me every week to ask if I got laid off from my job yet. I know the only reason why she's so interested is because she needs me to do some favors for her. I have so much that I need to do for my own family that I can't be donating my time and energy to neighbors on a regular basis. I've been trying to keep my normal schedule as much as possible so as not to arouse suspicion that I just might be free to do dumb chores like stain and water seal the neighborhood mailbox stand. Someone put those dang mailboxes on my property before I moved in, and now I'm being told that it is my responsibility to maintain them. I am also responsible for filling potholes on my road -- potholes that wouldn't be there if my dang next door neighbors didn't tear up and down my street fifty times a day and invite the whole world over to visit them. They've single-handedly turned our little dirt road into Grand Central Station.

Today I was rinsing off some paintbrushes, and my nosy neighbor got in her car, drove over to a location where she could get a better look at what I was doing, and then she just sat there in her car watching me. I'm sure the wheels were turning in her head as she wondered why I was painting and not working at my desk.

Later, I was shoveling manure at the fence by the road, and one of her nosy visitors came along. He stopped his car right next to me. At first I thought he was a tourist who was going to ask for directions, but when I looked up, the guy was just stopped there in the middle of my road staring at me for no apparent reason. He looked away and continued on to my nosy neighbor's house. I can only imagine the stories she's told people that would cause them to consider me a drive-by attraction. These people need to seriously get a life, because they have spent the past two days standing over the engine of a truck staring under the hood. I mean, they literally stood out there all day and only went indoors to sleep at night. Many people came and went in their noisy trucks, but apparently no one could fix the problem. Because the unemployment rate is so high, there are a lot of men in my neighborhood who have a lot of time to be standing around and staring.

Of all the people who tried to control my "free time", the most offensive is this stranger who has been coming around every few weeks to pick up my manure. Here's the deal: I'm a fat, happily married, middle aged women who has no interest in flirting, and this man has been hitting on me since the day he met me. He keeps insisting that I meet him for lunch at his gym. That request has always baffled me, as his gym does not have a restaurant in it. Little by little more information comes out each time he visits, and soon I learn that it's not that he wants to have lunch with me -- it's that he wants to work out with me at the gym. Weird.

He kept coming at me with this unwanted invitation the way a religious zealot tries to snare people into coming to his church. I can get really ugly when someone tries to force their religion on me. Spiritual beliefs are personal. You don't ask people what they do in their bedroom, because that's personal. Likewise, you don't question people about their belief system either. It's personal.

Anyway, I made the mistake of mentioning that I got laid off from my job, and he started pressuring me to join his gym and work out with him every day. Sigh. First of all, his gym is not anywhere near my home. I can name five gyms that are closer. Secondly, I don't like working out with other people. It's a private activity for me. Thirdly, why would I waste precious money joining a gym when I've got my own gym at home?

You'd think he'd drop the subject after I brought up all those points, but next thing I knew he was inviting himself over to my house to be my personal fitness trainer. Ummmmmmm... no. This guy makes my skin crawl and there's no way I'm letting him into my house when I'm home alone. He obviously has some hidden agenda. I decided to shut him up for good.

I said, "Why do you keep trying to get me to work out? Do you think I'm fat?"

He looked horrified and said no, absolutely not. Then he rambled on about how exercise keeps people from getting depressed and it keeps their arteries healthy so they can live longer... Of course, I know all that. I just don't need a personal trainer telling me what to do when and how many reps or sets of this or that. I'm an adult. I can do it on my own. One of the reasons why I didn't re-hire my equitation instructor this past year was because I was sick of him always evaluating my weight. Every time the guy saw me he had to bring up whether I looked like I lost or gained weight since the previous week. I don't like having anyone look at me that closely. I don't like men who try to control my weight. I love my husband because he's not concerned about my size. He's seen me at my thinnest and he's seen me at my thickest, and he never said a word about either extreme.

I told my husband about this latest conversation with the manure guy, and he said it is time we cut him off and not let him come to our house anymore. He's been trying to worm his way into our lives in very inappropriate ways. At first I just thought he didn't have any social skills, but now I'm thinking he's mentally unstable. I just basically wanted someone to haul off my manure. I didn't want a personal relationship. So, it looks like I'm going to have to live with my piles of poop a little bit longer. It amazes me how with every solution comes a new problem. I'm constantly choosing the lesser of two evils. In this case, I'll keep my horse poop, thank you.

Who Rules the World?

2010-09-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Insurance companies do. My health insurance company is Catholic. It sounds silly that a business could be religious, but it is true, and because my insurance company is Catholic, it refuses to offer coverage for birth control. There is one exception to this and that is if birth control pills and procedures are needed to regulate a woman's cycle. I'm a part of that exception. Unfortunately, the insurance company does not just take my doctor's word for it and leave it at that. My health insurance company requires my doctor to send them a letter testifying that my pills are used for regulatory purposes only, each time that a new prescription is needed, which is once a year. They don't seem to check their records and notice that I'm missing one ovary and the other tube is tied, and therefore I obviously don't need birth control pills for birth control purposes.

So, once a year I miss one month's supply of these pills, because the insurance company refuses to pay for them until they get a fresh letter from my doctor. There is always a delay because somehow the pharmacy can't communicate with my doctor about the letter, so I have to call my doctor personally and explain the situation. Then there is a delay while the doctor finds time to write the letter and fax it. Usually by then it is too late to start a new pack of pills. The result is that I have to suffer through a lot of pain and excessive bleeding.

Thankfully I am now off those pills and looking at other options, all of which I'm sure will require a letter as well. However, before making a decision, I am waiting to see if I get laid off from my job and lose my health insurance. I don't want to schedule an endometrial ablation and then find out that my company canceled my health insurance.

Anyway, today I had to go through some more rigmarole for another medication I am taking. This one was prescribed to me two years ago by a neurologist to help control my head tremor. He told me to take it sparingly just when I was going to do a speech or conduct a meeting and don't want my head shaking uncontrollably. I managed to take two years to use up 120 pills.

Then my general practitioner told me to take that same medication at night to help with my insomnia. It works beautifully. I love medications that kill two birds with one stone. I got close to running out of pills and ordered a refill. However, the pharmacy was having problems getting my neurologist to fill the prescription because even though there was one refill left, it had expired.

After a week of waiting, I called the neurologist's office myself to find out what was the hold up. They explained that he can't write up a new prescription unless I come in to see him for a physical. Great. It makes me wonder how many faxes from the pharmacy they were going to ignore without explaining this to the pharmacist or to me. I guess they thought that if they ignored us long enough, we'd go away and I'd just stop taking the medication.

Considering that the neurologist's office is very far away from my home and I have no reason to see him, I opted to ask my general practitioner to fill the prescription instead, since she just gave me a physical a few weeks ago. I called her office and explained the whole sordid story to the receptionist who sounded like she was taking copious notes. However, an hour later the doctor phoned me in a state of confusion, wanting to know why I'm asking for a refill of some medication that she's never prescribed to me. Sigh.

I told the story again of how my neurologist prescribed the drug for my tremor years ago, and then she told me to take that same drug for my insomnia weeks ago, and now I've run out of the medication, but my neurologist can't refill it unless I see him, and I have no reason to see him, and since I just saw her, could she start a new prescription for me?

Wow. That turned into a long lecture on insomnia management, which was very educational, but I began worrying that what she was building up to was that she would not refill the drug because she wanted me to use natural means of managing my sleep instead of drugs, which would mean I'd have to go back to my neurologist to get some to control my tremor. Ugh.

I know that doctors are not purposefully trying to make things difficult for their patients, but are simply trying to follow the rules of the health insurance companies. The silly thing about it is that in some ways the health insurance companies shoot themselves in the foot by requiring unnecessary doctor's visits that they end up paying for. I know the idea is to catch problems early with annual physicals, but when you've got four different doctors like I do, it doesn't make sense to require me to see all four doctors once a year in order to refill my prescriptions.

Fortunately, my general practitioner did agree to give me a new prescription, which is a great relief because now my prescriptions are all consolidated to one doctor. In the meantime, the pharmacy is one step behind me in straightening this out, so they've been calling me all day with updates on what is going on, when in truth, I know more about what is going on than they do because I have had to take the initiative to straighten this out myself. When I woke up this morning I didn't expect to be on the phone all day with doctors and pharmacists, but that's how it ended up. At least I got a good night's sleep beforehand thanks to this drug that I'm running out of. Health is a very complicated thing.

Look and Act Your Age!

2010-09-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

I recently read this article and found it very helpful. I figured others might, too.

~Lisa

Look Your Age—Or Younger!

It pretty much goes without saying that smoking cigarettes and frying your skin in the sun make you older, so kudos for quitting and slathering on the sunscreen religiously. But if you're trying to turn back the clock—or at least slow it down a little—don't overlook these other habits that may be sabotaging your efforts.

1. You keep your college bedtime
It's not uncommon for superbusy women to cram a day's worth of around-the-house to-dos into the late evening hours, a practice that pushes back bedtime into—eep!—Late Night with Jimmy Fallon territory. The problem with this is that too-little sleep is proving to be really, really bad for your health: Research links it to high blood pressure, diabetes, weight gain, and even just looking tired and older.

Act your age: We're not saying you need a perfect 8 hours every single night, but make sleep a priority more often and your body will thank you. Everyone's sleep needs are different; to find out what yours are, sleep experts recommend you turn off the alarm clock when you're well rested, and see how long you naturally sleep. (Most people need 7 to 8 hours.)

2. You have a soft spot for sweets
A sugar-packed diet can take its toll on your waistline, but now experts also believe it can make your skin dull and wrinkled too. To blame is a natural process known as glycation, in which the sugar in your bloodstream attaches to proteins to form harmful new molecules called advanced glycation end products (AGEs, for short). The more sugar you eat, the more AGEs you develop; these damage surrounding proteins like collagen and elastin, which keep skin firm and elastic. Once damaged, springy and resilient collagen and elastin become dry and brittle, leading to wrinkles and sagging. These aging effects start at about age 35 and increase rapidly after that, according to a study published in the British Journal of Dermatology.

Act your age: It's not easy to eliminate sugar completely, but limiting added sugar to no more than 10% of total calories can help. If you're a 45-year-old woman of average height (5-foot-4), that's 160 calories (or 10 teaspoons) from added sugar—about the number in one 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola or six Hershey's Kisses. By comparison, the average American consumes 31 teaspoons per day of added sugar, or the equivalent of 465 calories. Watch for stealthy sugar in unexpected foods, like salad dressing. Many prepared foods contain hefty amounts of sugar, but it's hidden under aliases—including barley malt, corn syrup, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltose, maple syrup, molasses, and turbinado—on ingredient panels.

3. You're stressed more often than not
You don't feel good when you're stressed-out—be it from work projects piling up, a miserable commute, issues with the kids, etc.—and there's good biological proof why you shouldn't. Stress increases the concentration of the hormones cortisol and norepinephrine in the bloodstream, kicking up blood pressure and suppressing immunity. Over time, stress that doesn't go away can delay healing, harden your arteries, and possibly shrink areas of your brain involved in learning, memory, and mood—talk about feeling older!

Act your age: Stress will never go away completely, but how you manage everyday blips can keep hormones on a more even—and healthy—keel. Deep breathing is the top antistress pick of Prevention advisor Andrew Weil, MD: He makes time for it at least twice a day. "It only takes 2 minutes," he says. "I do it in the morning, when I'm falling asleep in the evening, and anytime I feel upset." Try it: Exhale strongly through the mouth, making a whoosh sound. Breathe in quietly through the nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7, then exhale with the whoosh for a count of 8. Repeat the cycle 3 more times.

4. You only exercise to lose weight
Exercise is one of the best turn-back-the-clock agents around, but too many of us don't reap its full benefits because we only associate physical activity with weight loss. If you tend to hit the gym in 2-week stints to shed a few pounds, but then take a few months off from physical activity, you're missing out on some major health perks. Research shows that vigorous exercisers have longer telomeres—cellular biomarkers that shorten as we age—compared with healthy adults who rarely work out. Being active consistently can help fight brain fog, reduce inflammation, and prevent type 2 diabetes and other chronic conditions that crop up over time.

Act your age: Don't let your sneakers get dusty. Choose any activity you enjoy—be it walking, cycling, or dancing—and aim for a minimum of 20 to 25 minutes a day. Break it down, if you have to, into two 10-minute sessions. Slowly increase the frequency, duration, and intensity in small increments. If you miss a day, don't let it become a habit; just pick up again the next day.

5. You blast your iPod
Nothing makes you feel 80 years old like having to cup your ear and say "Excuse me?" to get your friend to repeat herself... again. Hearing loss typically develops slowly, the result of prolonged exposure to thousands of high-decibel insults to the ear, many of which come from exposure to everyday gadgets, like iPods or hair dryers. MP3 players set at 50% volume can pump out sounds up to 101 decibels, well over the recommended safety threshold.

Act your age: To ageproof your iPod, keep the volume as low as possible. Use noise-canceling earbuds to block out ambient sounds, reducing your need to jack up the volume. Wear earplugs when you're around other loud noises too, like the garbage disposal, coffee grinder, lawn mower, etc.

6. You never see your girlfriends
Your friends were probably the meat and potatoes of your social calendar back in your 20s; now you spend most of your spare time shuttling your tweens around to their various get-togethers. But here's why making time to cultivate your friendships is so key: One study found that satisfying friendships predict longevity better than even close family ties, and they can protect against obesity, depression, and heart disease, among other health problems. No wonder you always feel reenergized after a marathon catch-up call with your best college friend or a girls' night out with your high school crew.

Act your age: Your friends keep you young—simple as that. So if hectic schedules keep you apart, consider carving a more permanent place in your schedule for friend time. Take advantage of Facebook or e-mail groups to stay in touch on a more frequent basis—even clicking through and commenting on a pal's recently uploaded vacation photos can help you feel closer.

7. You eat veggies—but not daily
You've likely heard that antioxidant-packed fruits and veggies can help you stay young. These powerful compounds fight free radicals that would otherwise wreak havoc on your body and skin, damaging cells that can lead to cancer and make you look older. But here's the rub: Antioxidants remain active for only a few hours and need to be continually replenished, so don't think you're set for the week after eating a big salad for lunch on Monday.

Act your age: ODing on veggies a couple of days a week or month—and skipping them the rest of the time—doesn't do your body any favors. To truly maximize their age-defying benefits, aim to eat antioxidants every 4 hours or so or with every meal.

8. You've shunned all fat from your diet
Cutting out artery-clogging saturated and trans fats is a heart-healthy move, but when it comes to your health and vitality, equally slashing unsaturated fats, like those found in fish, nuts, and olive oil, is like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. One kind, omega-3 fatty acids, is the ultimate anti-aging fat, essential for protecting your brain, heart, bones, joints, skin, and more. Another kind, monounsaturated, can lower bad LDL cholesterol, raise cardio-protective HDL cholesterol, and decrease your risk of atherosclerosis. Plus, studies suggest that a higher intake of these fats may contribute to longer life expectancy.

Act your age: Remember that fat isn't inherently evil, and it won't make you fat per se. About 20 to 35% of your daily calories should come from fat (mainly healthy, unsaturated fat) like those from the above sources.

9. You can't recall when you last had sex
Yep, sex feels good and does wonders for your mood, but it's also fantastically great for your health. Research shows that people with active sex lives have stronger immune systems, less pain, a lower cancer risk, healthier hearts, and less stress. The best news: It can even make you look younger—up to 12 years, a study shows.

Act your age: Rekindle the romance between you and your partner. To shake things up, try making the first move next time. "Some women are not active participants in their sex lives," says Pat Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. "A lot of men would like to be touched more, seduced more. Everyone wants to feel wanted."

~Posted by Lisa

Friday Frenzy

2010-09-17T13:00:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've been suffering through another typical Friday Frenzy today and had to take a break from it all. Since my son is home from school on the weekends, Saturday and Sunday are his days to do his laundry. Since I work from home, Monday and Friday are my days to do my and my husband's laundry. The first things I absolutely have to get done on a Friday morning before work are to feed the dogs and let them out to pee, I need to shower, eat breakfast, take my medications, feed the horses, and start laundry.

This morning I had to start work at 6:30 AM because I had a lot on my plate. I was trying to multi-task between work and those things I absolutely must get done on Friday mornings, but before I could get my personal needs met, my boss instant messaged me with a series of tasks and called a meeting before 8:00 AM! This is the downside of attempting to get some work done on my personal time. As soon as I log into my work computer I become fair game for my coworkers to contact me, even if it is really early in the morning, really late at night, a holiday or weekend.

So, the first meeting of the day was called before I even took my medications or started laundry. At least the animals got fed. Between meetings the dogs were pestering me to go outside, and I suddenly remembered that my vet needs a urine sample from Scrappy today. Each time the dogs went outside to pee, I'd follow Scrappy with a cup, but somehow he kept managing to pee the second I got distracted and looked away or he peed in some inaccessible location where I couldn't reach him. So, between phone conferences I kept running outside trying to catch pee in a cup. When I returned to my computer, I found that my boss had been instant messaging me with questions. Obviously, he knew I wasn't at my desk, because I didn't respond.

Of course, the task I started work early to complete got pushed way down the priority list and more urgent tasks were given to me as soon as I finally started getting into what I was doing. This is par for the course. The priorities within the company literally shift every 15 minutes, so if you can't complete a task in 15 minutes you may as well not even bother to start on it.

I've been having pains these past few days that are indicative of kidney stones and right when my boss was talking about "pushing as hard as we can" to get a ton of stuff done before Monday, I got walloped with shocks of kidney pain. I debated taking a sick day right there and then, but the pain subsided just as quickly as it hit. That's typical with kidney stones. I didn't want to wimp out, because we were dividing a huge number of tasks among the few people in my department, and I already had to reject a bunch of tasks due to not having the right equipment. I could tell that my coworkers were getting irritated with my excuses. I was getting irritated with my own excuses, as a matter of fact. I hate not being able to do my job due to technical difficulties.

In the meantime, I was wondering when I was going to get to take my meds, since I was several hours overdue, (these are meds I have to take to keep my blood pressure and anxiety levels down due to stress from my job) and I was thinking that perhaps I should keep them at my desk with a glass of water (or better yet, wine) since I seem to have such severe difficulties getting one minute of time to run to the bathroom where I keep them. I was also wondering if the laundry would ever get started. Sorting the dirty clothes into piles takes about two minutes, carrying the piles to the garage and putting them through their cycles takes another two minutes, but I couldn't even get that much spare time.

Eventually, I caught some pee in a cup and had to make a run for it to drop it off at the vet's office before they closed for lunch. The vet's office is a 5-minute drive from my house, but I got stuck behind an elderly woman who was swerving back and forth and driving 25 MPH in a 45 MPH zone, so it took me much longer to get there. Of course, she had to be turning into the same parking lot where I was headed.

I raced out of my car on foot with my pee sample in hand, leaving my purse in the car, because there was no time to fumble for it. I couldn't let that woman get in line in front of me, because I knew she'd make me wait while she took an eternity to fill out forms, fumble for reading glasses, and count out change. Don't get me wrong, I have parents and grandparents and sympathize greatly with elderly people, but if they are retired, they really should let the worker bees go first, because we can whiz in and out of businesses in a jiffy. Of course, the urine testing was not included in my original bill, so I had to run out to the car to grab my checkbook to pay for it. Fortunately, the woman was taking her time getting out of her car, so I didn't have to get into another tangle with her like I did on the highway.

I raced home to find a Jehovah's Witness sitting in her car in front of my house. I ran inside, locked the door and closed all the shades and blinds. I barely had enough time to get the pee sample to the vet and there is no way I can also find time for a religious debate on my doorstep. I did take my meds and start the laundry, be it several hours late.

I have a hard time being willing to work as hard and as fast as I can when my employer can't even pay me on time. The company has been having financial problems, so our paychecks keep getting delayed. I don't know if I'll have a job or not next week. Management spends a lot of time talking about how great the future will be once we cut some deals, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm planning on how I'm going to bring in income to my family once I get laid off. And, of course, I'm looking forward to having more time to take care of myself once this company and I part ways. I just wish they'd get it over with instead of dragging things out. I feel like I'm in limbo -- my head is on the chopping block, but the axeman is still sharpening his axe. I've been laid off from enough companies that I know all this pressure to save the company by working harder and faster is just a ruse to get as much work out of us as possible before we are sent home without our final paycheck.

Mended With Good News

2010-09-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I'm finally feeling up to 100% again. I saw my GYN on Tuesday and explained the situation with the hormone therapy driving up my blood pressure. She insisted that hormone therapy does not affect the blood pressure, however I know for a fact that it does indirectly. It causes weight gain, which drives up my blood pressure. A while back I abandoned my hormone therapy for a few months and lost a lot of weight without even trying. As soon as I needed the pills for regulation again, I gained all the weight back.

So, I'm off the pills again. My other options are to try an IUD that releases just progesterone and prevents excessive bleeding, or an endometrial ablation in which they essentially burn off the endometrial lining of the uterus, which either makes your periods lighter or gets rid of them all together.

Before making a decision on which option to choose, I wanted to make sure that I'm not going through menopause. I took a blood test and my FSH levels showed that I am not. Next I'm going to go a few months without the pills and see if my body can handle it. Once it starts giving me trouble, then I'll choose a new treatment option.

The good news, besides being on one less pill, is that my cholesterol level was normal! My cholesterol hasn't been normal in years. I'm constantly being chastised by doctors to improve my diet and exercise. I was expecting the worst, but got the best news. The irony is that I haven't changed a whole lot of anything beyond just being physically active on the weekends since we've had good weather. Go figure.

You know what else is funny? I created a label on this blog called "pants never lie" a while back and now I'm seeing my line being used in commercials!

On The Mend

2010-08-28T14:00:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

My vacation is coming to a close and it didn't go as planned at all. I intended to use this time to advance my photography business, set up my photography studio, and ride my horses. Instead I found myself struggling to merely think with intense headaches and other allergy symptoms, and struggling to adjust to a new regimen of various blood pressure medications. The weather didn't help as it was nearly 100 degrees most days, followed up by a 70-degree day with biting winds. Rain is expected tomorrow. I went from wearing shorts to wearing earmuffs in one 12-hour period.

Just when I made the decision to not let anything get in the way of my goals these last few days, I ate some tainted eggs and came down with a case of salmonella poisoning. It actually had nothing to do with the infamous egg shell contamination that is in the news. All of our local markets cleared their eggs as being safe. This was a situation in which I failed to educate my son on the inspection of eggs. I wasn't feeling well enough to make dinner because of my headaches and allergies, so my son offered to scramble some eggs and make egg and cheese burritos for us. It wasn't until after we ate and I threw some scraps to the dogs that I noticed dried yolk in two of the egg carton sections. Apparently, two of the eggs had previously cracked in the carton and had been open to the air so that bacteria could grow.

Those eggs should have been thrown out, but my son didn't know. The poisoning came mainly in the form of extreme abdominal cramping. Yesterday I laid on my side and couldn't move, because it felt like knives were slicing and dicing my intestines. Today it just feels like someone hit me in the belly with a sledgehammer. I can't stand up straight, so I walk hunched over. Fortunately, my son wasn't affected, because the eggs he used in his burrito were not cracked.

I originally thought I might be allergic to the new blood pressure medication, because the nurse told me that if I get any abdominal cramping, vomiting or diarrhea, I should stop taking the medication and go to the hospital. However, then when Midge, my dog, got diarrhea, I knew it had to be the eggs, since I tossed some scraps from my plate to her. Scrappy, our other dog, was okay, because he's on antibiotics for another condition.

I had planned to spend at least an hour a day exercising and preparing healthy foods after getting news about my hypertension. I got as far as putting some healthy beans in the crock pot before this happened. I was too sick to get the beans out of the pot, so my husband had to do the rest. We have some trout we caught earlier this summer that I keep planning on cooking, but something always comes up to screw up my plans.

I'm disappointed that my photography career has once again been delayed, but I'm also beginning to think that I need to just stop trying to control my future. Every time I make plans with good intentions, some problem comes out of left field and derails me. It seems that my plans are not God's plans, so I may as well just let what happens happen and accept it. Otherwise, I'll just keep feeling frustrated and drive my blood pressure up. Perhaps instead of living my life like I'm going to die tomorrow, I should start living my life like I'm going to live forever. That should take some pressure off.

Wake Up Call

2010-08-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Life is so ironic. I can't even tell you the number of times I visited a doctor with a whole slew of scary symptoms only to be told it was nothing. This year, aside from easily explainable allergies, I've actually been feeling pretty good, so I was relieved to be able to go into my annual physical with no complaints.

A little background: When my husband and I moved to Nevada 20-some years ago, we lived in the city and we saw our doctor in the city. Then when we moved to the country, we continued making the long drive into the city to see our regular doctor. Eventually, I tired of having to give up half a vacation day to see the doctor, and I searched for a doctor closer to home. I found him, but we didn't click. He also has this annoying habit of having to review my records before he will approve each monthly refill. As a result, I sometimes run out of blood pressure medication before he gets around to approving the refill.

My old doctor in the city just prescribed 12 refills, so that the pharmacy could fill my order monthly on my schedule at my convenience. I researched other doctors closer to home, but felt none of them would work out for one reason or another, so in the end I decided to return to my doctor in the city. However, the week that I took off from work to deal with these types of appointments was the week he was on vacation. The front office remedied that problem by allowing me to see the nurse practitioner for just a blood pressure check, since I was feeling healthy and mainly just wanted a full year's prescription of blood pressure medication.

Holy cow! I have never had such a thorough examination in my life. Not only did I have the nurse practitioner examining me, but I had her nurse and her student in training examining me. I'm so used to male doctors rushing me out the door that I felt rather selfish to have the undivided attention of three women in the medical profession for half an hour.

I went in there fully expecting the nurse to take my blood pressure and either give me the same prescription as before or increase the dosage a little bit. No big deal. However, instead they began questioning me and examining me for evidence of a stroke or heart attack. Apparently, my blood pressure is so high now that I'm a ticking time bomb. Nice.

I'll admit that on really stressful days at the office, I get pain and cramping in my left arm. Sometimes it includes both arms and the back of my neck. Now that I know how high my blood pressure has been, those symptoms were probably a precursor to a heart attack. The nurse not only increased the amount of medication I've been taking, but she added an ace inhibitor into the mix. She also wants me to go off my hormone therapy. I said no way. I need that to keep me regular. I have a fibroid and a missing ovary thanks to a tumor, and all of that wreaks havoc on my menstrual flow.

She called my OB/GYN to explain the situation, telling her that she has to choose another method to regulating my hormones that won't raise my blood pressure. In the end, my OB/GYN said she wants to see me to discuss my options. Great. One more appointment I don't have time for. Since all birth control pills raise your blood pressure, I suspect she might suggest a hysterectomy, which is something I've been begging for my whole life. I am thankful that my womb delivered my children to me, but beyond that it has been a nightmare to live with.

Just when I started stressing over when I'm going to squeeze in an appointment with my OB/GYN, the nurse practitioner told me that she'll be seeing a lot of me over the next few weeks. Say what? "Not unless I quit my job," I said.

She wanted to take my blood pressure readings every day, but since I live so far away, she trained me on how to take my own blood pressure readings and call in the numbers to her. She wants to see me in person one more time, and wants me to run a lab panel soon. Sigh. So much for my nice, relaxing vacation in which I was supposed to ride my horses and set up my photography studio. It's amazing how quickly things can go to pot.

At any rate, I'm not seeing any way around this other than to cut back on my work hours. Even my single appointment with an insurance agent turned into an ordeal that's resulting in additional appointments. I found an equine chiropractor for my mare with the shoulder problem, but I don't even want to open another can of worms by inviting him into my life at the moment. I could easily see that one appointment turn into a weekly visit, which I don't have time for. I just adopted a dog that needs special medical care, which means making room for more vet appointments.

I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to approach my boss about needing more time to deal with all of this. If I ask to work 20 hours a week instead of 60, I'll have to forfeit my medical benefits. I tried to get on my husband's health insurance, but they rejected me because I already had medical insurance through my employer, and we are way past their enrollment period. Obviously, with all these medical appointments, I need this health insurance. So, I may have to request emergency leave without pay. It's a Catch 22, because this isn't an emergency since I haven't actually had a heart attack or stroke, but I most likely will have one or the other if I don't lower my stress, get regular exercise, and lose weight. However, I can't do that unless I cut back on my work hours.

I've studied our budget and looked to see where we can cut back on expenses, so that I can just quit my job all together and just concentrate on health and my photography business. However, we wouldn't make it. I have to work at least part-time. College and groceries are expensive.

Though the women I saw today are taking my high blood pressure very seriously, my husband just poo-poos it because his is higher than mine and he still manages to work two jobs. It's so hard to get him to understand that the main difference is that he loves his jobs while I am beyond miserable in my line of work. His jobs allow him a nice, long lunch break to work out at the gym or run in the hills, and to actually eat as well. My jobs don't allow me a single minute to use the toilet or prepare a healthy meal. If I'm not skipping lunch, I'm shoving a pre-made, pre-packaged artery-clogger down my throat. The boys in my family are getting tired of having to fix their own dinners because I'm either still working through dinner time or I'm just plain wiped out at the end of the day, unable to offer anything further to anybody.

I know that in my last post I was planning on tracking my exercise, but I have been so busy (on my so-called vacation) trying to keep up with all the appointments that I can't even remember which days I exercised, for how long, and what exercises I did. Then I got sick with allergy symptoms on Monday and Tuesday and was out of commission once I got home from all my appointments. I've had allergy headaches ever since. Tracking eating habits and exercise is easier said than done, especially when you have a lousy memory like mine. Let's just say I exercise when I can and leave it at that.

Oh, and right on cue, I got a call from a relative informing me that she's coming to visit next week and bringing another relative with her. Now I feel like I have to spend my vacation cleaning house for their unexpected visit. Argh! I don't think I've been cut a single break all year. The best thing I did for myself this year was to get on a plane and fly to Scottsdale and stay in a luxurious motel room for a few days. No one could touch me. I was too far away for anyone to interfere with my time. People could call me and tell me they need me for this or for that, and tell me about all of the problems they need me to solve, but then instead of dropping everything to help them, I'd just go lay out by the pool and breathe. If anything, I was in the role of the visiting relative interfering with my daughter's time. She's the only person I know who is busier than I am.

I've had five out of nine straight days away from work and still haven't had a free hour to ride a horse. And of course on Sunday, the one day I usually can make time for a trail ride, the weather calls for a cold spell and rain. I'm supposed to be setting up more appointments today, but I think I'll just do what relaxes me instead. I think it is ironic how nurses and doctors see how stress is taking a toll on my health, and then they just add to it by quadrupling my To Do List. Something's gotta give, and I just hope it isn't my blood vessels.

From the Accounting Department

2010-08-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

ACCOUNTING FOR EXERCISE

I'm going to try a new experiment by recording how much exercise I get each day and whether it gets results, as well as what gets in the way of my exercise. Usually, I'm moving at such a frantic pace that the weeks whiz past and next thing I know I'm looking back wondering when the last time was that I got some legitimate exercise. So, here goes this week:

Sunday: Hiked a mile and rode a horse for two hours. Shoveled manure for an hour.

Monday: 5 minutes on the stationary bike, 10 minutes on the elliptical machine, 5 minutes on the treadmill, and lifted weights for 5 minutes over lunch. Shoveled manure for half an hour.

Tuesday: A 15 minute walk after escaping from the office.

Wednesday: 5 minutes on the stationary bike, 5 minutes on the elliptical machine, 12 minutes on the treadmill over lunch. Shoveled manure for 45 minutes. Lifted weights for 5 minutes.

This is actually pretty good for me.

****************************************

ACCOUNTING FOR PERSONAL TIME

My boss has been a pain lately, calling me at home late at night to question me on the work I did during the day, and trying to prevent me from taking lunch breaks by contacting me right at noon to complete some urgent task. He did that to me one day when I was working from the office. He basically told me on his way out the door to his lunch break that he decided to move up the deadline on a project to 2:00 PM (which is when he returns from HIS 2-hour lunch break).

I had an appointment at 1:00 PM. I considered telling him that, but I know how he brushes off excuses. I also feel it is my right to schedule personal business over my lunch break without having to ask my boss if it is okay. I'm not taking time off from work. I'm taking care of personal business during what should be by law my personal time. He's the one who is doing something bad by taking it away from me. Instead I just went to my appointment since it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission. Ironically, something got screwed up with the project, so the 2:00 PM deadline didn't work out after all.

I was pretty angry when he called me late at night. I normally would have been in bed then, but had stayed up to see something on TV I'd been waiting to see all week. Of course, he called right at the end of the show when it was reaching the conclusion I'd been waiting for! Argh! The man infuriates me. I think it is so inappropriate for a manager to be bothering his employees at home late at night. I wasn't on call. I'm not a trauma surgeon. This type of stuff can wait until the morning. And do you know why he had to call me late at night? Because he left work early for an appointment and had to make up his hours late at night! So, his personal business ended up causing him to cut into my personal time. If I had more personal time, I wouldn't be so sensitive about it.

Today he called me the second I sat down to eat a sandwich I had made for lunch. I answered with food in my mouth and chewed loudly in his ear to make it clear that I was on my lunch break. Maybe I should just make a habit of eating my food out on the patio where I can't hear the phone ring, because I've tried just ignoring the phone while I'm on my lunch break, but then my boss leaves a message and I start stressing out over what he said in his message and I can't enjoy my break.

We have a newer employee in our department who is older than most of the employees, and I'm hoping he can straighten out our boss. He's not afraid to speak his mind when he feels our boss is being unrealistic or crossing the line by taking our personal time away. This employee does the same thing I started doing, which is taking your lunch break even though you were just told to work through lunch. Ha ha. I love it. It's always easier to get away with that when others do it too.

He also schedules personal business on a fairly regular basis and is always leaving work early. Of course, I get stuck doing his work when he does that, but at the same time I like that he's reminding our boss that we are human and we do need to see doctors and other professionals for personal reasons every once in a while. Seeing how much the new employee gets away with helps me understand how far I can push it without getting fired. I want to leave this job when I'm ready to leave, which will be when I'm gathering a steady income by another method. So, the name of the game is to make time to take care of myself without getting fired until I can afford to be fired.

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ACCOUNTING FOR PANT SIZES

I like to watch FIT TV while I'm exercising. One thing I've noticed that I think is odd is how women who lost weight hold up their old jeans and say, "I used to wear a size 20!"

My immediate thought is, "Wait a minute, she weighed 260 pounds and fit into a size 20? I wore a size 20 when I weighed less than 200 pounds."

All I can figure out is that all my weight must be in my hips and thighs while other overweight women gain it in their torso. I know that I go up or down a pant size with every 15 pounds. I'm teetering between a size 14 and size 16 at the moment. I recently had the opportunity to give all the clothes that don't fit me to charity, but I held onto some of the smaller size 14s and bigger size 12s just to be optimistic. My mother is much taller and bigger boned than I am, and she wears a size 10 because she lives on salad and yogurt, so I gave most of my size 10's to her. My daughter is tiny and wears size 5! I didn't have anything to offer her by way of pants. I think the last time I was a size 5 was when I was 14-years-old.

Anyway, every time someone on TV claims to fit into one size or another, I always end up comparing myself to them, wondering if I'm really that big or if the TV just puts on pounds for them, but I suppose your pant size has a lot to do with where you put on weight.

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ACCOUNTING FOR THE PAJAMAS OF MY DREAMS

Plus I admit that my pants have to be fairly loose or stretchy or I won't wear them. I've been in the market for some comfy pajamas for several years now, but I can never find any. I've been wearing this same pair with a hole in the rear seam all year. I'd like to have a word with P.J. manufacturers, because what I find available is just plain stupid. Why would someone want to sleep on huge buttons or ruffles or zippers or snaps? Pajamas should be sans hardware and lace. Lace is scratchy. Another one of my peeves is draw strings. If I have to use a draw string to keep the pants up, the string cuts into my intestines while I sleep and I wake up in pain.

I want plain, hardware-free, lace-free, pajamas that consist of a top and pants that stay up with an elastic waistline. The top better not have cuffs on the sleeves, because cuffs bind. It should be a plain, pullover cotton T-shirt. I gave up on looking for a set like this, and eventually just bought pajama bottoms and used old mismatched T-shirts for the tops. However, my pajama bottom I've been wearing got a hole in it, so I had to throw it out.

I compromised and bought a new pair of pajama bottoms that had an elastic waistband with a drawstring that I don't have to use, and a top with decorative snaps. I wasn't happy about the decorative snaps, but I looked everywhere and this was the closest thing to fit my criteria. Too many people were coming to our door late at night for me to get away with wearing P.J. bottoms with a big old hole in the butt. I needed something new to lounge around in. Unfortunately, they didn't have this pair of pajamas in my size, so I settled for a size smaller. Now I'm uncomfortable in them because they are too small. I'm thinking I may have to hunt down some cotton sweatpants with an elastic waistband in my size to sleep in. I prefer a lighter fabric for the summer months, but summer is almost over. And I don't do nightgowns. I want fabric between my razor stubble.

Now that I've given the pajama manufacturers an education, perhaps something will turn up on the market I can wear. Never underestimate the power of blogging. Years ago I participated in the Nielson Ratings for TV. I remember commenting how I wish their would be more unique and creative shows like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now we've got vampires up the whazooey! Dozens of vampire TV shows and movies and books. You can't get away from the crap. I always tell people they can blame me for that.

What Dreams May Come

2010-08-11T07:15:00.000-07:00

by Nuzzling Muzzles

My husband woke up from a dream yesterday in which he said people from all over the world were coming to our home to have their portraits taken by me. We had a huge buffet laid out on a table for my clients. He said one set of clients had just left when the French Ski Team showed up at our door, busted in and descended upon the buffet like gangbusters.

I liked the feeling of his dream. "Build it and they will come."

Then the very next night I had a dream in which I was shooting engagement and pre-wedding portraits. I got through all the typical romantic, glamor shots that would be soft and fuzzy, and then I changed the lighting and said, "Let's get silly."

I had the man get down on one knee, hold the woman's hand while she stood, and directed the woman to hold the palm of her hand up near her mouth and round her mouth out to make an exaggerated look of surprise. Then I switched it up and had them reverse roles, where the woman got down on one knee and the man made the silly look of surprise. That got everyone giggling and those turned out to be the best photos.

I think both my husband and I having such detailed dreams regarding my future photography career is a good sign.

I did get warm and fuzzy with people at work yesterday, and had a good day. I usually get so busy that I can't socialize with my coworkers, but this time I made chatting my priority. I made a lot of people smile and laugh. Previously, I had been butting heads with my boss so often that I half-expected him to fire me when I came into the office, but he actually apologized, said he understands that I've been having are hard time, and he promised to lessen my stress by giving me some easier assignments in the future. I guess throwing a tantrum in a phone conference and nearly breaking down to cry had an effect on him.

Though I'm trying to take my time in getting my photography business under way so that I do it right, I may have to force my hand and hurry it up. My husband's employer only accepts new people onto their health insurance on July 1st of each year, so he put me and the kids on his insurance this year so that I could leave my current job anytime and we would still be covered. However, his employer is making a new rule that says if the spouse is employed full-time, the spouse should have health insurance through her employer, and therefore would not be eligible for double coverage. So, they may kick me off my husband's health insurance. In that case, the only way I can keep it is to quit my current job or move to part-time hours. The problem is that the health insurance I get through my employer covers everything and is the best health insurance you can get, while my husband's health insurance only covers preventative care. If you need fillings in your teeth or have to go to the hospital, (in other words do the expensive stuff) everything comes out of your own pocket. On the other hand, if I forfeit my husband's insurance and have to leave my current job before July 1st of next year, I can't ride my horses during that period of time. It's too risky.

Why does life have to be so dang complicated?

For those of you who may be wondering why I never post my photographs on this blog site, or why the photos on my Nuzzling Muzzles blog site aren't that good, it's because these blog sites aren't intended to be about photography. Healthy as a Horse is supposed to be a forum about achieving a healthy lifestyle. I tend to focus my posts on stress and how it affects me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Nuzzling Muzzles is about raising and training horses and I discuss other animals as well. I do have a temporary blog in a separate account name I am using for photography advertising purposes and that is where I post my best pictures. It's still under construction. Since it has all my personal contact information on it and it is for my business, I don't want it linked to these other blog sites in any way.

That is where I put the photos I have taken the time to process in RAW format. The majority of photos I post on Nuzzling Muzzles are straight out of point-and-shoot cameras, because my time is limited and I can't run every photo I take through Capture One and Photoshop. Plus my professional equipment requires me to constantly be switching lenses, which takes time and cover from the elements. One day I had to switch lenses on a sandy beach when the wind was blowing. You do not want sand to blow inside your $2,000 camera body, so I changed lenses under my shirt. I'm only willing to do the extra work of changing lenses when I'm specifically working on a photography assignment. If I'm just shooting snapshots for my horse blog, I grab the lightweight cameras that have built-in lenses that zoom, not the heavy DSLR.

Health-wise, I have been working out on the gym equipment at home. I've found that if I can keep my stress level down during the day at work, then I have energy left over to work out at the end of the day. I'm still not getting time to exercise on my lunch breaks, though, and often not getting lunch breaks at all, so I've given up on trying to force that period of time to be dedicated to exercising. I'm trying to turn my thoughts to the future rather than focus on the frustrations of now. Our brand new dishwasher broke down for the third time Sunday night. Something like that normally would have made me flip my lid, but my husband got on it right away and used his brain power to fix it himself and save us a few hundred bucks. I really appreciated him handling it, because I've been on overload solving more problems than I can handle lately. It's rather humorous, because now my husband comes home from work and the first thing he says when he walks in the door is, "What broke today?"

Some days I wish we lived like the people in "Little House on the Prairie". We'd have so few possessions that the only thing that could break would be the firewood, and that's a good thing.

Can One Break a Bad Dynamic?

2010-08-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

It's been another hectic week at the office, which leaves me thinking that if I'm feeling as discouraged as I am, surely other coworkers must feel the same. We seem to be stuck in this cycle of discouragement thanks to our punitive work environment. One boss kicks his subordinate and that subordinate kicks his subordinate, and on it goes down the line until someone goes home and kicks the dog.

The problem with my work environment is that employees can't look good by simply doing a good job. No one notices good work. Employees feel like they have to make themselves look good by making others look bad. I've had this ongoing problem with people not telling me in advance what they expect from my tasks. I'd swear that they are being purposefully vague so that I won't do the task to their liking, and then they follow up behind me, check my work, and find fault with it. Only after I spend hours on the task do they communicate what it was they really wanted. They are always good about recording my mistakes in reports that get emailed out to the key managers in the company. Nice people.

I'm losing sleep over worrying about how I'm going to be mistreated once the sun rises. I find myself anticipating what mean things coworkers will do and say. I'm trying to avoid attack by keeping a low profile. I don't cc my boss on emails that I know I should cc him on, because I know he will find fault with whatever I say. Also, with each communication I have with him, he responds by giving me more tasks. I'm already over-tasked, but in his mind he thinks that if I'm almost done with one task, he must give me ten more.

I was getting nutty over the past few days, because my boss kept me tethered to my computer by constantly calling me into text conferences. These were not scheduled meetings, but just him saying, "Gather around and listen up, little sheep."

He called for a meeting right when I was in the bathroom, and when I didn't reply within one minute, he called me on the phone and told me to join the conference. I didn't get to finish my business on the toilet. It's really tough being a woman and having your period with a boss like that. One sanitary napkin / tampon has to last a long time. Another time I had worked for seven hours straight without taking a break and I knew I had to get up out of my chair and walk around to get my blood flowing through my veins and to my brain. As soon as I stood up, he called me into a conference. It's like he's spying on me through a web cam and knows when I'm not at my computer.

Anyway, I finally decided to start ignoring him when he interrupted me with unnecessary communications. I had a supervisor at a past job that picked on me mercilessly, going over everything I did with a fine-tooth comb to find fault, and one day I asked my coworkers why she never pointed out problems with their work. They told me that it was because she didn't know what they were working on. They all ignored her when she requested status reports. I was literally the only employee who turned in my status reports, and so the woman decided to just manage me since I was the only employee who followed her orders. Isn't it sad that people get punished for doing what they are asked?

Anyway, my current boss often calls us into a meeting to give us our tasks and their priorities, and then if we didn't complete the first set of tasks within the hour, he'd send out an email repeating what he said in the meeting. If we still hadn't completed the first set of tasks within another hour, he'd call us into another meeting to repeat it a third time. As a result, no one could get his tasks done because of all the interruptions and meetings.

So, this one time I was in the middle of doing a task and he called me into a conference to verify that everyone is doing the task. He wanted to know exactly how we were doing it. Other people were responding with details, but I said, "Uh uh, I'm not going to let this guy micro-manage me. I'm an adult and perfectly capable of completing this task without him needing to know every little step I take."

When my boss starts questioning how I'm doing my job, I know he is waiting for me to say one wrong thing so he can pounce on me. It would be more polite if he would simply tell us how he wants us to do it instead of setting us up for failure by picking our brains and finding fault with our methods. It would be like instead of just saying, "I want you to wear the green dress" before I get dressed, he waits until I get dressed and asks what I'm wearing and whether I pulled the dress over my head or stepped into it, whether I put my right arm in the sleeve first or the left arm... Then he says, "You did it wrong, so now you have to take what you are wearing, rip it to shreds, resew it, dye it green, and then put it back on the way I think is best."

In this case, it was a task I've done thousands of times, my methods have always been successful, and I know the routine. Next thing I knew, my conference window was flashing repeatedly as he said my name over and over, prompting me for a response to his questions. I told him I was busy working on another computer and couldn't keep an eye on the conference window while I work. I said not to worry, that I was handling the task and would be done soon, but I need some quiet time to get it done right.

I think my elusiveness had an effect, because he left me alone today and I was sure to reward him for it by completing a lot of tasks. However, it wasn't easy getting all that work done with a headache caused by a lack of sleep.

People are on edge, because the company (my boss, in particular) hasn't been shy about firing people at the drop of a hat. So, we've become a pack of hyenas ripping at each other's throats. Management has pitted us against each other. I think if it weren't for one friend I have in the office, I'd feel completely alienated. I mentioned to him how I've been feeling lately, and he said, "Me too!"

So, I know this isn't all in my head. People always tell me I'm too sensitive, and because of that I tend to not respect my own feelings. Anyway, I hope to turn things around at the office by single-handedly encouraging folks, praising them for anything and everything, despite them attacking me. Even if I'm not in management, kind words go a long way and might actually result in a dog not being kicked at the end of the day. I'm hoping that one person can break this unproductive dynamic and restore my workplace into an a pleasant environment. Then maybe people can sleep without nightmares and work without headaches.

Sweet Changes

2010-07-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

Posted by Lisa of Laughing Orca Ranch

Did you know that Americans eat over 150 pounds of refined sugar each year?

It's not easy to eliminate sugar completely, but limiting added sugar to no more than 10% of total calories can help. If you're a 45-year-old woman of average height (5-foot-4), that's 160 calories (or 10 teaspoons) from added sugar—about the number in one 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola or six Hershey's Kisses.

By comparison, the average American consumes 31 teaspoons per day of added sugar(!!!), or the equivalent of 465 calories. Watch for stealthy sugar in unexpected foods, like salad dressing. Many prepared foods contain hefty amounts of sugar, but it's hidden under aliases—including barley malt, fructose, corn syrup, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltose, maple syrup, molasses, and turbinado on ingredient panels.

I'm working on consuming a lot less sugar as part of my new healthy living plan. I've cut out sodas almost completely, meaning I don't buy them by the case and bring them home. I will sometimes still enjoy a soda at a restaurant, but we don't go out to eat a whole lot, so that soda consumption still won't be out of control either.

But I'm a tea drinker. And I always drink my tea with a teaspoon or two of sugar. I've been able to drop down to only one teaspoon, but I can drink anywhere from 4-6 cups of tea per day. That's a lot of extra sugar!

So, this is what I've started doing to lower...and even eliminate excess sugar from my diet:

I've started using Stevia, a natural plant based herbal sweetener that's been used for hundreds of years by Native Americans in South America. Stevia has none of those nasty chemicals, like Aspartame, that the artificial sweeteners use. And you use less of it because it is so much sweeter, naturally, than refined sugar.

I am using Stevia In The Raw and one of the things I noticed right away was that it seemed more expensive (at around $5.00) than a 5lb bag of sugar (at around $2.00).

This is the reason why (from the website):

Question: How is a 9.7 oz. bag of Stevia Extract In The Raw Cup For Cup equal in sweetness to a 5 lb. bag of sugar when it’s supposed to be equivalent “cup for cup”?

Answer: Stevia Extract In The Raw Cup For Cup product is equal to sugar in sweetness when measured by volume (such as in a measuring cup). One cup of Stevia Extract In The Raw Cup For Cup weighs a lot less than a cup of sugar. The 9.7 oz. bag of Stevia Extract In The Raw Cup For Cup is roughly the same size as a 5 lb. bag of sugar. Less weight for you to carry and zero calories per serving — that’s a sweet deal!

Anyway, after using Stevia in my tea for a few days, I've realized that it's so much sweeter than refined sugar that I can use a lot less to sweeten my tea. One packet is 2 teaspoons, but I'm only using less than half a packet to sweeten my tea!

I'm also feeling more satisfied in my sweet tooth cravings for sugar now. I'm also not craving as many cups of tea throughout the day.
It's too soon yet to see if Stevia is making a dent in my waistline yet, but I'm feeling good that at least I'm making some sweet changes.

Beyond Asinine

2010-07-22T10:02:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I apologize. I have to rant. I just got out of a meeting in which my boss repeatedly criticized my work publicly in front of everyone else in the company.

1. He criticized me for getting ahead of everyone else in my tasks. Ummmm. I'm sorry. Isn't that a good thing? Aren't I being paid for getting my work done on time? He said it like it annoyed him. If I don't finish my tasks by the end of the week, he makes me work through the weekend. I don't want that. I've never had a boss who is such a control freak that he won't even let me work at my own pace when my pace is faster than that of others.

2. While my boss was away on vacation, the guy who filled in for him set up the priorities for my tasks. When my real boss returned from vacation, he criticized me for not doing my tasks in what he considered the order of priority. Ummmmmm. He wasn't around to communicate his order of priority, so why should I get into trouble and be publicly humiliated for following the instructions of my temporary boss? Geez. I can't win with these people in management. They contradict each other and take it out on me. I swear I am better off doing nothing at all.

3. We have these employees who whine about nit-picky things like how I organize my reports. I've tried talking with them to explain why I organize the reports the way I do, hoping to help them see things from my perspective, which is very different from theirs. I want people to understand my logic so that they won't just go around behind my back making snide remarks about my work habits. Anyway, one of these employees who was absent on the day I tried to explain my logic started whining publicly during the meeting about my reports. My boss took his side said I organized them by the wrong format, so now I have to do them all over again! Say what???

I discussed which format to use with my temporary boss while my real boss was on vacation, and my temporary boss agreed that my format was the best approach for our purposes. It may be a little inconvenient for our whining department, but it works out best for the managers who need to use the report. I can't believe this! All my hard work keeps getting flushed down the toilet by managers who give conflicting orders. When you consider how much overtime I put in without pay, it makes me want to cry.

What management is teaching me is that it is better to do no work at all than it is to work hard and meet deadlines. First off, just that fact that every company meeting results in a discussion of my work specifically, tells me that I seem to be the only person doing any work. I've probably written up two dozen reports this week and have seen nothing come through from anyone else in my department. I never hear my boss asking the other employees why they haven't written up any reports. I only hear him nitpick the reports that I write up. So, I am being punished for doing my job while the other employees are getting away with doing nothing.

Management should be thankful of all the work I do. The problem is this: The more work I do, the more work I generate for others to do. Others are lazy and therefore find it easier to make me do my work over to buy them some time than to just do their jobs. The worst part about this is that if a project fails due to others not doing their part, I am the one who gets chewed out and blamed. I hate being chewed out and blamed, so that is why I work so fast and hard. However, now I am being criticized for working too fast and completing my tasks. I can't win.

A part of me wants to retaliate by just not working as hard, by taking an entire week to do one 20-minute task like everyone else. However, I have been laid off by so many failed companies that I just can't do that. Those employees who aren't working hard haven't had those experiences, so they don't know the seriousness of the consequences to their inaction. I try to explain it to them, but it's not as effective as actually getting laid off, having all your credit card accounts closed against your will, being homeless, and wondering where your next meal will come from.

So, as a result of my past experiences, I am motivated by fear and I have this terrible habit of picking up the slack and doing my coworkers tasks as well as my own. I feel stressed because I'm trying to keep the company afloat on my own with very little support. I not only have a lack of support, but I have people throwing obstacles my way in an effort to try to slow down this freight train that runs on a combination of fear and ambition. I think those people need to look around and realize that there are bigger problems than my efforts.

More Motivation

2010-07-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I did lose a couple of those extra pounds I recently gained, but yesterday I was given extra motivation to lose weight in a hurry when I went in for my bi-annual dental appointment. My hygienist said, "You're blood pressure is higher than it has ever been. You're shaking. Are you nervous?"

Ugh. First off, my blood pressure is higher in part because I weigh more and in part because the stress at work has been so constant with very little relief. The only way to control it without a new prescription is to diet, exercise and lose weight.

Secondly, I shake all the time. I have an essential tremor. I've had it for years. I'm on medication to control it, but no medication controls it completely. I tire of meeting new people and having them comment on my "nervousness". Nervousness is something that starts out mental and affects the physical. An essential tremor starts out physical and can be exacerbated by the mental. I used to try to explain what an essential tremor is to them, but have given up and now just say, "Yes, I'm nervous," and change the subject. Unfortunately, a few people always have to ask why I'm nervous, because they want to psychoanalyze me. That's when I start getting really annoyed. The more irritated I get, the more I shake.

I have this hair dresser who does a terrible job putting highlights in my hair. She leaves skunk stripes or tiger stripes of all different lengths and widths. They don't blend at all. However, I keep going back to her because I like her. She knows about my tremor and works around it. She's polite enough to not call attention to it, and she uses her skills of relaxing me to help control the tremor so that she can style my hair without having to deal with a moving target. The thought of going to a new hair stylist and having to put up with all the comments about my "nervousness" is more than I can bear.

Unfortunately, I have no control over who my dental hygienist is, because they come and go from my dentist's office quite often with a fairly quick turnover rate. It's when they start complaining that they can't get a clear x-ray and can't I just hold still for a second that I get mad. People in the medical field need to learn to expect to have patients like me and just do the best they can with it. When I go in for MRIs of my head or neck, the nurses give me a sedative and tape my head down to the headrest to get it to stop shaking. I know dental hygienists can't dispense medicine, but it would be nice if they'd make an effort to understand that I can't control the shaking.

My tremor also makes my muscles stiff in addition to causing shaking. This hygienist kept snapping at me, because when she'd grab my jaw and try to move my head to where she could see in my mouth better, my head wouldn't go in the direction she wanted it to. By the end of the dental cleaning I felt beat up, because she'd been jerking my head here and there with such force. I couldn't figure out why she couldn't have just repositioned herself. She was sitting in a swivel chair on wheels.

Anyway, such is the life of a person with a strange neurological condition. One thing I can control, though, is my weight. I did give up some sleep to wake up early this morning to workout. What I may have to do is cut back on my food intake on those days I can't squeeze in any exercise in order to avoid canceling out previous efforts. It's just so hard to concentrate on my job when I have hunger pains. I find it interesting that when I am physically active on the weekends I can go all day without feeling hungry, but when I sit at my desk for 10 to 12 hours straight on the weekdays, I feel like I'm starving. It's as if using my brain requires more calories than using my body.

Say Hello To My Rotund Self... Again

2010-07-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

After all that work I did to lose 30 pounds, thirteen of it has come back to mess with me. Don't you sometimes feel like there's a Sumo Wrestler in you that fights you for its place in your body? It always gets you when you aren't looking.

First there was the problem with my new boss making me work through lunch, in the evenings, on the weekends and on holidays for years on end, preventing me from having any free time to exercise and prepare healthy meals. Then once I complained about my treatment and started getting some free time, I was bombarded with personal problems that needed my immediate attention in order to be solved. Then something started blooming and my allergies made me feel famished all the time. I was so anxious to get rid of the hunger pains that I just started handing my son $20 bills and begging him to go out and buy me something -- anything to appease my hunger, so that I could concentrate on my work. Three cheeseburgers, one gigantic burrito, two slices of cheesecake, and two foot-long deli sandwiches later, here I am looking at my fat self in the mirror again.

Examples of why I can't get much exercise in:

This morning I had planned to exercise in the half hour before work. However, first I had to feed the horses. I needed a pair of scissors to cut open a bale, but couldn't find them in their usual spot. I remembered setting the scissors down on top of the hay bale because I thought I would need to use them again right away, however something distracted me and I never put them away. I searched all through the haystack for those scissors and couldn't find them anywhere. I knew I had two pair of scissors in the horse trailer, so I decided to grab one of those.

This weekend I had relocated the horse trailer to make room for other activities, so it was a hike to reach it. When I got to the gate, I discovered that someone had locked it. My brain froze and I couldn't remember the combination. Too early in the morning to be calling on my memory. I hiked back into the house to find the combination, hiked back out, opened the lock, reached for the horse trailer door, and it too was locked. I then had to hike all the way back to the house, retrieve the keys, unlock the door, and guess what? The third pair of missing scissors were in my trailer. My husband probably found them on the haystack and thought he was doing me a favor by putting them away, but he put them away in the wrong spot. By the time I got done cutting open a new hay bale and organizing my scissors, my son needed my help in writing a check out to his camp counselor. Then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I finished with all those interruptions, my half hour to exercise was gone and I had to start work.

A few days ago I was going to exercise on my lunch hour, but first I had to feed the horses. This new hay I got is horrendous. It is so loose that I need a pitchfork to shovel it into a wheelbarrow and wheel it over to the feed troughs. If I try to carry it like I could carry a flake of my old hay, this new hay just slips through my arms and lands on the ground and down inside my shirt. It's a miserable experience.

I didn't want to have to deal with the hay, so I decided to keep it simple by putting the horses out to pasture. However, when I walked through the pasture gate I saw that the water in the trough was mosquito-infested and disgusting. I had to dump the water, scrub the trough and refill it. Then I noticed that the pasture was dying in some places and dead in others. How is this possible? I've been watering it for hours every day.

I turned on the sprinkler and sure enough, the sprinkler was broken so that pasture hadn't been getting watered. I had to race to the hardware store to pick up a new sprinkler on my lunch break, because they close at 5:00 PM and are closed on the weekends. It would be nice if some of our local merchants would come to the realization that other people work between 10:00 AM and 5:00 PM weekdays too. They'd get more business if they remained open on the weekends and closed on a couple of weekdays.

Anyway, by the time I got the new sprinkler set up and resorted to wheeling hay to the horses instead of putting them out to pasture, my lunch hour was over and I never got to exercise. That's getting to be my life story. I'm not allowed to take care of myself, because I have too many other people and animals to care for outside of myself.

These personal trainers on TV always say, "You have to MAKE time to take care of yourself..." Well, it's not like I can just say, "Oh, I don't think I'll feed the horses today. It's going to turn into a fiasco and suck up all of my time." I am clearly over-taxed. Maybe I need to hire someone to take care of some things around here. In summer's past, I asked my kids to help out when I needed to free up my time, but they are off doing their own things now and I can't lean on them for support. One year I hired my daughter as my housekeeper. This year my husband hired our son to help with a computer programming project. It seems we always need an extra hand with something.

So, what this means is that I'm going to have to start analyzing what I can sacrifice in order to make more time to exercise and prepare healthy meals. This is a tough one, because I can't quit my job or go to part-time hours since we're putting two kids through college. I'm not willing to sell my horses, and my job and my horses are really the two things that take up all of my time. I may have to choose to sacrifice sleep by waking up earlier. However, with living on a ranch, I already wake up so early to take care of the animals. Quite truthfully, I'm not wild about hiring an assistant to help around the house, because I don't want to have strangers in the house who might start helping themselves to my cash and jewelry. Plus I like my alone time. Couldn't we just go to 48 hour days instead of 24 hour days and rewire our bodies so that we don't need sleep? That would be the simple solution.

Things - They Are A Changin'

2010-07-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Things have settled down for me. The bandages are off the horse's legs and all his medicine has been consumed. My husband is taking care of himself and his sprained wrist. The banker quickly solved all my banking problems. Best of all, the company appears to be taking my overtime complaint seriously. My boss announced during a meeting that Monday would be a company holiday (though we've never been given the 4th of July off before), and that "no one is to be working."

I thought that was an interesting way to phrase it. Usually, he says just the opposite: "Monday is a holiday and I expect everyone to be working."

Since I was not expecting to get a three-day weekend, I was ecstatic and made the best of it. Apparently, I had such a good time over the weekend that when I returned to work on Tuesday I felt so nauseated that I had to leave the office early out of fear that I would get sick on my coworkers. I drove home, slept for hours and woke up the next day feeling renewed. I didn't have anything to drink over the holiday, so I'm not sure what the sudden round of nausea was about. There's something in our office that sets off my allergies and it seems to be getting worse each time I go in.

With my boss on vacation, I can actually get my work done without constant interruptions. It feels like the good old days when I was in charge of myself, when I knew exactly what needed to get done, and I did it without anyone else telling me otherwise. I'm getting that sense of completion I haven't felt in years with my job, because I can follow through on each task from beginning to end. Now I remember why I used to love my job. I like the work I do, but having someone breathing down my neck, controlling my every move really takes the fun out of it. I'm an adult. I can take the initiative to do my job. I don't need someone babysitting me. When I was a child, my mother used to always say, "Don't forget this and don't forget that."

It really burned my britches, because she was communicating that she didn't have confidence in me to remember important things. Now that I'm 40-something years old, my boss does the same thing to me, and it still burns my britches.

I suspect the other women in the office are getting tired of being treated that way, because one of them moved away and is working remotely now and the other one quit. Without praise, rewards and appreciation, there just isn't any motivation for people to stay with the company. Management has fallen into the trap of fostering a punitive and even hostile work environment, and I think they are finally feeling the consequences of that mistake.

With that said, I'm officially on my lunch break now, and I'm going to go workout on my exercise equipment. Hopefully, this can become a habit, because a healthy employee is a more productive employee.

Three Limbs in Wraps and I'm the Cripple

2010-07-02T06:27:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I had to do a little posting to reflect on the insanity of this week. It's been moving too fast for me to think things through, and sometimes writing helps. On Sunday my horse fell in the trailer and now has two legs in wraps. I have to administer antibiotics, pain killers, burn ointment and change his wraps, as if I didn't already have enough to do. It always cracks me up how the vet does all of this while the horse is under sedation, and the horse owner is expected to do it in the following weeks without the horse being under sedation.

Then on Tuesday I came home from work and found my husband's arm in a wrap. He sprained it in a skateboarding accident and had my son take him to urgent care. So, we've got three limbs wrapped in soft casts this week.

Giving the horse his antibiotics is both an art and a science. You put twelve huge pills into a vial, add some water, shake it up, but not too much, because it leaks out the lid if you shake it too hard. Then you stick a syringe into the vial and suck up the liquid. Then you attempt to stick the syringe in the side of the horse's mouth, point it toward the back of his mouth, and plunge. The problem is that the horse closes off his throat and the liquid splatters out of his mouth and all over your hair and clothes.

Also, you have to be very careful not to tilt the back of the syringe down, because all the liquid will spill out the back before you can get it into the horse's mouth. It's rather hard to keep the back up and the front down when the horse's head is two feet higher than you are tall.

My first solution to the spraying problem was to wear an apron. That helped, and then I started having problems with not having enough hands to hold all the medications and the halter at the same time. I started setting the medications down on the windowsill of the stall, but the other horses walked up and knocked them off the sill with their noses. I finally came up with the bright idea of wearing a fanny pack around my red hot chili pepper apron, and storing all the medications in there.

The horse is supposed to be on stall rest, and when I left for the office on Tuesday, I left strict instructions to keep him indoors and only bring him out once to hand-walk him and monitor him for lameness. What did my husband do? He let him loose because he felt sorry for him, and the mares promptly chased him around the paddock at a gallop, and then started ripping off his bandages with their teeth. Because they got the ripping started, my gelding was able to pick at it himself, so I had to smear Vaseline and cayenne pepper all over his wraps to keep him from picking at them. So, what did my gelding do? He rubbed his eye in the cayenne pepper! Next thing I knew I was running around the house gathering supplies to wash out his eye. One solution always has to lead to more problems.

Thursday was the worst day. I had to change the bandages. Considering that it took the vet two hours to put on the original bandages, I wasn't sure I had the time to change them. I woke up at 5:45 AM to try to get it all done. I was about to go outside when I smelled the worst stench on earth. I whipped around and looked at the toilet to see if it was overflowing. It smelled as if our septic tank was backed up, which is my worst nightmare. Nothing wrong with the toilet in the master bath. I walked out of the bathroom to go check the other toilet and ran into the dog. UGH! It was the dog! He reeked! I'm talking about an unbearable stench that was a cross between s&*t and death that got my gag reflexes going. I did not have time to shave that dog's butt and give him a bath, so I kicked him outside.

I went out at 6:30 AM to give the gelding his medicine, and the neighbor who lives behind my barn was revving the engine on his new hot rod. What is it with middle aged men always having to buy hot rods with loud engines? My horse was nervous about all this racket, so I stood outside the stall and waited for my neighbor to drive off. No sooner did he get over his need to hear his own engine noises at 6:30 in the morning and leave us in peace when my annoying neighbor next door came out and started slamming car doors. Each time she slammed a door my horse jumped or flinched.

He pumped himself up so tall that I couldn't get the halter on him to administer his meds. Then the kid this lady babysits came out of the house and let the dog escape. The kid started running around the neighborhood and behind my barn screaming the dog's name, and my very large patient started spinning in circles and snorting in his stall. I said, "Oh for God's sake! It's 6:30 in the morning and engines are revving, doors are slamming, and kids are screaming. Give me a break! I'm trying to treat an injured horse here!"

The woman grabbed the kid and went in the house, slamming the door one last time. My horse flew up in the air, came down hard on all fours, and then instantly relaxed because they were gone. I was finally able to get the halter on and reach his mouth with the syringe. Then the man came out of the house to get in his truck, and I know from experience that he's so senile that it takes him hours to get his act together and remember what he is doing and where he is going, so I did not want to have to deal with him. I quickly fed the horses and went in the house.

I saw him drive down the street, pull over to the side of the road on a blind curve where there are crosses memorializing all the people who have died there, and then he proceeded to make the world's slowest U-turn on that blind curve, causing a driver coming around the corner to have to slam on his brakes. Nobody in his right mind pulls that kind of stunt. You should drive up further past the blind curve, find a nice, safe side street to turn on, and make your U-turn there -- not on the blind curve of a main road where people drive 45 MPH. Needless to say, just as I predicted, he forgot something at home and had to come back to spend several more minutes searching for whatever it was he needed. So, I couldn't change the horse's wraps with all his driving back and forth and door slamming.

Work wise, all the stress of having more responsibility at home has made me apathetic about work, and I had another blow up with my boss. He's been passing management tasks on to me even though I don't want them. Because I'm the responsible personality in the office, coworkers almost always end up passing their tasks off to me when they tire of doing them. Well, I'm tired of doing their jobs for them while they collect their paychecks.

Also, many of the men in my office act as if I'm their personal secretary. This one guy always runs up to my desk while I'm trying to get work done and asks me to look up whether some supplies are in the inventory or not and where they are located. So, this week I chewed him out and told him to bookmark the website that contains our inventory and look it up himself. He was taken aback and said, "Oh, uh, I guess I should do that." I told him to get his own such-and-such account while he's at it, so he can do his own software testing instead of having me check his work every time he makes a change in the code. Just because someone makes double my salary doesn't make him so important that he can't check his own work. What am I? His mother?

Anyway, my boss had me coordinating this one project, tracking who was doing what part, how far along they were, etc. I asked everyone to send me their updates in this master spreadsheet I had created, and it turned out that everyone sent me their updates in different formats. I had my own tasks to do and didn't want to have to spend a tremendous amount of time organizing this paperwork, so I just copy and pasted everyone's updates into the master spreadsheet and emailed it to the key people involved in the project.

Next thing I knew, I had all these instant messages popping up from people, pointing out problems with my record keeping. It turned out that some columns and rows got out of alignment during my copy and pasting. I assured them I'd fix it and email out the corrected copy.

Then my boss really started nit-picking, asking for specific columns and telling me how to set them up so that he can sort them, etc. I was in the middle of an important task, it was after 5:00 PM, and I was fed up. I told him that I wasn't interested in doing secretarial work for him and would send him the most recent spreadsheet and he can fix it up how he likes.

I mean, it's not even a matter of just him insisting that everything is perfect, but he changes his mind a dozen times on what it is he wants, and I can easily blow several days re-doing tasks I've already done until this man is either satisfied, or until something more urgent grabs his attention. Next thing I know, he's announcing publicly in a meeting that he's disappointed in me because I didn't get something else done. Why didn't I get it done? Because he kept me chasing my own tail trying to get some paperwork to fit his specifications so that it is easy on his eyes. I swear, I have way more important things to be doing than to be adjusting columns and rows in a spreadsheet all week. I have seven years of higher education. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean all the men in the office can use me as their secretary.

I'm at a point where I am no longer willing to do paperwork, because most of my coworkers are at an intelligence level in which they can read paperwork and find fault with it. However, they are not able to do my technical work, which is actually the work that is in my job description. Therefore, as long as I stay within my job description, people don't nit-pick my performance because they really don't even understand what I am doing. But if I have to do paperwork, I get ripped to shreds by a pack of hyenas who obviously have nothing better to do than to critique my paperwork. My feeling is that as long as the information is communicated, it shouldn't matter whether one column is blue and another is green.

Friday morning I woke up early with the intention to get caught up on chores at home and tasks at the office. I opened up my email to find a letter from my bank informing me that I had insufficient funds to complete a transfer. That's impossible unless someone stole my money. I investigated and discovered that my own bank had been stealing money out of my new business checking account so that there were insufficient funds to transfer a certain amount to my business savings. Basically, when I opened this account last month, I said I did not want to be a part of any program that forces me to pay fees. The bank manager assured me that I would not be charged for anything. The account was 100% free. Nope. The bank has been withdrawing money from my account without my permission for programs I did not sign up for, so now I get to spend all day on the phone trying to straighten this out. I can't tell you how sick I am of having to waste my time correcting other people's mistakes. If I have to close the account and open one with a different bank, I will.

To top it all off, my mother notified me that she's coming to town to visit and see our newly remodeled kitchen. Unfortunately, my husband just tore it apart because he wanted to redo some parts that he wasn't satisfied with, and now that he has a sprained arm, he won't be able to put it back together by the time she gets here.

I'm not sure how much more I can take at the moment. I actually was so short on time that I cheated in my photography class by having my son do part of my homework assignment for me. He's such a lifesaver. I should probably have him do my homework more often, because we got a 10 out of 10 on that assignment. Of course, I'm not benefiting from the class as long as I'm cheating, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

So, that, folks, is why I rarely get to exercise and eat right. All I do is run around baling out water in an effort to keep this ship I call my life from sinking.

Old Photo Scare and Tight Pants

2010-06-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

Feeling nostalgic, I was looking through old photos on my other blog and found a picture of myself from two years ago that horrified me. How could I let myself get that big? And what's really scary is that I always select the photos that make me look the thinnest to post. If that was my thinnest portrait, I'd hate to see what all the other photos looked like.

The good news is that I'm off the medication that was partially responsible for that massive weight gain, but I have been noticing that my pants are getting tighter. Time to get serious about the diet and exercise again. It's not that I'm ever not serious about it. It's just that sometimes I get so caught up in living and solving day to day problems that I don't pay attention to what I'm putting in my mouth and the fact that I'm sitting when I could be running on the treadmill.

I did get my lunch breaks back, but that hour goes by shockingly fast. I haven't even begun to work up a sweat by the time my lunch break is over. I'm probably going to have to start waking up early and exercising first thing in the morning too. I'm starting to make smoothies for meals instead of slapping some peanut butter on a slice of bread to appease my hunger. Smoothies don't exactly make the hunger pains go away like peanut butter does, but they take a long time to drink and therefore keep my mouth busy, and I don't have to deal with the sugar effects later on.

Regarding work, I did finally blow. When I was in the office this week, my boss pissed me off by ordering everyone in my department to work late, because another department was behind on their work. Of course, the other department completed their part right at 5:00 PM, so they all got to go home to have dinner with their families while my department had to skip dinner after already skipping lunch because their department waited until noon to finish their part and pass it on to us so that they could go on their lunch breaks. Are you seeing a pattern here?

I have to eat sometime, and stocking the kitchen at work with coffee, soda and candy isn't my idea of eating. I also have to rest my eyes and my mind, get up from my desk and move around. Well, it turned out that I wasn't the only one in my department who was pissed. Another guy made the sarcastic remark that he should just bring a pillow to work and sleep under his desk because he never gets to go home. (And he has a newborn baby at home too. I'm sure his wife would appreciate his help every once in a while.) Another guy was frustrated because he had an appointment after work and had to call to say he'd be late. He ended up pulling the plug on the project and talking our boss into waiting until morning when everyone in our department has had some sleep and is refreshed.

Everyone took off for home, but I still had a task I was in the middle of working on that I had to complete. People were walking out of the office to go home, and everyone had to stop at my desk to ask me for the status of one thing or another. I was hungry and wanted to get home, so I started snapping at people telling them to ask me those questions during regular work hours. Just because they are too lazy to get up from their desks or pick up a phone to talk to me during the day doesn't mean it's alright to prevent me from getting home for dinner because it's more convenient for them to speak to me as an afterthought as they are walking out the door.

Then a friend of mine walked up and said, "What are you still doing here?"

At that point I lost it. I wanted to scream, "I'm still here because people like you keep interrupting me when I'm trying to complete this task!"

But this guy is very sweet and has helped me get jobs and raises, so of course I wouldn't say that to him. I did gripe about all the overtime I've been having to put in and he joked around saying that our company doesn't have any overtime policy, and therefore there is no such thing as overtime.

I said, "Well, our overtime policy is that we are salaried employees and therefore do not get paid for overtime. However, that doesn't make it okay for the company to take our lunch breaks, evenings, weekends and holidays away from us whenever they feel like it, and if I have to get a lawyer to set them straight, I will."

As soon as I said it I slumped in my chair, because I knew this guy would repeat what I said to someone in management, and then management would start looking for a reason to fire me. Fortunately, nothing has come of it yet. I'm still the hardest working employee they've got, so hopefully, if anything, they will start respecting my personal time more. Considering that I got a couple of lunch breaks this week, perhaps they have already.

Punished Again

2010-06-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I've been spending my lunch breaks studying photography and doing barn chores instead of working out on our exercise equipment. Last night before going to bed I made the decision to return to exercising on my lunch break and leaving everything else for after work hours. I was sick for the first time in months this week, which tells me I've let my health fall on the wayside again.

Wouldn't you know it? As soon as I make the decision to start exercising on my lunch breaks, my boss took my lunch break away from me. He's punishing me. Basically, I was sick for a few days this week which left everyone else in my department to handle our tasks. One of my coworkers works very hard, but can waste time being obsessive over things, so he leaves a lot to be desired in the way of speed. One of my other coworkers is just plain burnt out and doesn't want to do any work at all. He feels discouraged because everything he does is never good enough, so why even try? Another coworker has an erratic schedule and can't be relied upon to do anything.

So, I returned to work after my illness and found a bunch of critical issues that needed immediate attention. There was a big push to get this project out the door even though it wasn't finished. Well, it got out the door and I stayed up all night calling people, because I kept finding more critical issues.

Today at 11:30 AM my department got called into a meeting in which we were "spanked" for not doing a more thorough job on this project. Of course, it's always our fault. There are plenty of other departments to blame, but we are always the last to touch it and we are often only given a few hours to do our part. We are always rushed, so we do the best we can with our time constraints.

Anyway, we were told that we had to spend the next hour and a half researching these problems and when my boss gets back from his lunch break at 1:00 PM, we will then be quizzed on our findings. In other words, we are not allowed to take lunch breaks as punishment for the problems we found too late in the project. Then, we are expected to work this evening (remember that I worked all last evening), and possibly over the weekend.

It's one thing if the work is necessary, but this is purely punishment. My employer believes it is okay to take our breaks and personal time away from us every time something goes wrong. We are all salaried employees who do not get compensated for overtime. I'll tell ya, if I didn't have a couple of kids I'm trying to put through college, my employer would be looking down his nose at a letter of resignation from me right now. I can't get my photography business started fast enough.

The good news is that I am now officially owner of my own company. I have a business license and a business bank account, but it's going to take some time to start a marketing campaign so that people know the company exists. I also have to finish my education and put together a portfolio. That's kind of hard when I can't even get out of the house to take pictures, because my boss forces me to work overtime without pay.

Seeing the Roses

2010-06-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I titled this "Seeing the Roses", because for me, it goes beyond just stopping to smell the roses. Most days I don't even see the roses because I'm so concentrated on my tasks and responsibilities. Stress tends to blind me.

Today was what I would call a "gift" day. I woke up at dawn, fed the horses, watered the pasture, did two loads of laundry, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen counter, answered personal emails, and then started work at 8:00 AM. I was floored by how much I accomplished in just the first few hours of the morning.

I participated in two meetings through a phone conference and just when I was beginning my independent work, my son walked in and informed me that one of his friends committed suicide last night.

Long pause.

There's nothing like the death of a child to put things in perspective. The newspaper was filled with more bad news. Another boy we knew was involved in a fatal car accident. Dozens of local teens were arrested for breaking and entering a home in which the homeowners were away on vacation, and those teens had a pot party. A 10-year-old boy was left at home alone when a neighbor on drugs busted down his door in a home invasion. All of this happened within a few miles of my home. I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by it all. I felt like a bunch of flash-bang grenades were being dropped in my lap and I couldn't get my bearings.

I needed time to think, to pay attention to what is going on around me. I prayed for a day in which I could do just that. Amazingly, not one single coworker contacted me for the rest of the day. My boss didn't pile tasks on me faster than I can perform them. It was eerily quiet. I haven't had a day like that at work in years. I took the time to think about what matters. I took the time to fill out my forms for my photography business license.

After work I laid on a couch that I haven't laid on in years. I forgot how comfortable it is. By being in a different location in my home, I noticed some dust that had collected on the wood burning stove's pipe. I wondered how many times visitors came to my house, saw that and felt disgust. But for some reason it made me happy. I think it was because I finally had the time to notice the dust. It's like seeing the roses for the first time. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to get rid of that dust without smelling or inhaling it.

Then I noticed all the coats on the coat rack that the kids have outgrown that should probably be donated to charity -- another sign of how many years have passed in which I have been too busy working full-time to notice that the kids are growing out of their clothes and the house could use a thorough cleaning. I saw the stacks of old phone books I keep meaning to recycle, but they are always out of sight -- out of mind despite being right out in the open.

I remember a relative coming to visit and getting angry with me because everything was in the same place where it was the last time he visited. He picked up a pillow, threw it across the room and said, "Don't you ever clean house???"

I said, "No, I don't. I'm too busy working 60 hours a week to pay the bills."

I find it odd how men still expect women to do all the work of a housewife while the women are also working full time. Are we just supposed to stop eating and sleeping in order to get it all done?

However, more importantly, his action and words made me realize that even though I live inside my home, I'm not seeing it. I'm not really looking at its contents. Only when something that I need breaks, do I pay attention. It's because, quite frankly, I don't have the energy to pay attention. I'm a vegetable at the end of each work day.

But today was different. I didn't have all that pressure on me to work harder and faster. I ended the day with plenty of energy to spare and I was able to look around and see what I've been living and working in for the past several years. It's a weird feeling. It's like... Hello, House. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry for neglecting you all these years. Maybe we can make a fresh start and I can clean you up and help you feel spiffy again.

Of course, I'll probably never have the time to follow through on that desire, but at least I got to think about it. That's a huge step for me.

Options are opening up for me regarding regaining my time and freedom. None of them are a quick fix, but I can definitely see that God is working on it. For instance, my husband and son are working on a project in hopes of being able to sell some of their own original software on the side. This is one of those things that if it takes off, we can have a supplemental income without having to do much beyond customer support once the code is in place. Also, my husband had a door open up in his career that could result in a larger income, which would put less stress on me to keep the dough rolling in. Nothing is definite, but something is there. That's good enough for me.

Label Shock

2010-06-02T21:17:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

So, I noticed that my belly is starting to look like a pregnancy pouch, even though the rest of me is toned up fairly well. I stepped up on the weight scale -- something I rarely do because I find it to be so discouraging -- and sure enough, I gained several pounds and have now exceeded the weight I said I would never allow myself to reach again. Sigh.

What is up with that? I haven't been eating any more than I usually do. In fact, if anything, I've made some changes in my diet to eat healthier. I figured it must be more muscle weight from all the heavy lifting I've been doing moving D.G. around the paddock.

Then tonight I poured myself a bowl of Cracklin' Oat Bran for dinner because I was so hungry that I didn't think I could wait to prepare a real dinner. I had a bad day at work being nit-picked and accused of being responsible for everything that went wrong, and failing to meet yet another impossible deadline thanks to all the people who wasted my time by making me defend my work. I wasn't in the mood to cook. I just wanted to eat.

When I poured that Cracklin' Oat Bran into a bowl, I was overcome by the stink of sugar. I said to my son, "I don't think I should buy this cereal anymore. It reeks of sugar."

He had his glasses on, so he read the contents on the cereal box, and then pulled another cereal box out of the cupboard. Then he announced that Cracklin' Oat Bran has more sugar in it than Cocoa Krispies! Isn't that outrageous? I'm better off eating the kids' cereals than eating these supposedly healthy fiber cereals for adults. I guess it's time to start wearing my glasses to the market and reading those labels.

Aging

2010-05-28T06:19:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I knew I had to write a post about aging after being woken by a nightmare in which my mother passed away and I was left to the task of making arrangements and selling her estate. My mother still lives in the two-story Spanish mansion I grew up in. There is this balcony off a hallway outside my bedroom window that is no longer within building code specifications. We were once told that the wood had become so old that if someone put his weight on the balcony, it could collapse.

My brother and I ignored our parents' warnings to stay off the balcony, so they removed the doorknob to prevent us from going out there. When my brother was a teenager, he sneaked out one night to meet some friends and my parents locked him out of the house, believing he was in bed. When he came back home at 3:00 in the morning, he scaled the hedge, climbed onto the balcony, broke a stick off the hedge, and used it in place of a doorknob to let himself in. My parents caught him and realized that anyone could break in that way, so they put a lock on the door.

Anyway, last night I had a nightmare in which I went out on my mother's balcony while getting her house ready to sell, and the balcony collapsed with me on it. We crashed onto the front porch, which also collapsed. I was left with a ruined house and had to somehow put it back together before putting it on the market to sell.

My mother passing away is a real anxiety for me, not just because I will miss her tremendously, but because I am her only surviving relative who can make her funeral arrangements and get her belongings in order. Each time I visit her, I look around her huge mansion and feel overwhelmed, wondering how I will ever be able to make decisions on how to manage what she leaves behind. She owns many antiques that I'm sure have great value that have been passed down for generations. I'm sure I would be expected to carry on the tradition of caring for them, but I just don't have room in my house for someone else's furniture.

I'd have to either sell the antiques or store them somewhere, but still take time out from my busy schedule to keep the wood healthy. I already feel so guilty, because my husband's grandmother passed some handmade antique cloth items onto me to care for when she moved into a nursing home, and they are still sitting in a closet in the plastic bag she delivered them in. I've never even taken them out of the bag to inspect them. She also passed on some jewelry from Czechoslovakia to my daughter, and that too has just been sitting in a box, never opened. We are not very materialistic, so we don't value stuff. We don't attach sentimental feelings to things.

When my own grandparents died within a few months of each other, I was in college. My mother didn't have a job and was able to deal with the business of their funerals and their estate full-time. I did absolutely nothing to help. I remember my mother getting angry with all of us for being so unsupportive and never offering to relieve her of the responsibility. In my defense, I was going to school full-time, working part-time, and had no idea how much work was involved in the process. I was too young to know that my mother even needed help. So, I know that when my mother passes away, that will be my payback.

I'd have to pay off her debts, call every business she has an account with and cancel it. As is, it takes me weeks just to get around to making one phone call for myself, so I can't imagine having to make dozens, even hundreds of phone calls to close out her life. I'd have to take emergency family leave from my job and would need a minimum of three months off. Everyone I know has only needed to take off a few days for the funeral and a few other items of business when their parents passed away, but that is because they were able to spread the tasks around among many family members so that no one had to leave their own life to deal with a death full-time.

At that same time that my mother is aging and I am developing anxieties about her passing, my dog Monty is on his last leg as well. He seems to have days when he is completely deaf, and other days in which he can hear. This morning he was lying up against the back door, but was totally unaware that I opened it and was calling his name to let him in. I had to touch him, which startled him, and he almost bit me. Once he realized it was just me and I had opened the door to let him in, I had to hold the door open and wait a while until he could push himself up off the ground to a standing position. Some days he's paralyzed, some days he's not. Some days I have to carry him up and down stairs, some days he bounds around the house like a puppy. It's all so confusing and unpredictable.

It's also time-consuming. I have to take all the time pressures from my job and set them aside to deal with my aging dog. If my boss calls while I'm carrying the dog to his next location, I have to ask myself what is more important? Helping the dog relieve himself outside or talking to my boss for the umpteenth time today? There are people at my office who get less work done in a month than I get done in a day, so the company can wait while I help my aging dog.

Your priorities shift when loved ones grow old. They suddenly need you, regardless of how busy you are. I've always felt that I missed my calling. I should have been a nurse, because I spend so much time caring for helpless, sick or injured people and animals. Yet when I am sick or injured, no one takes care of me except my little Corgi, who I call Nurse Midgey or Doctor Midge. She takes her job of caring for me very seriously. It's too bad that all she can do is lick my face.

Slow Going

2010-05-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Posted by Nuzzling Muzzles

I'm a bit astounded by how slow going my efforts have been toward better health. It's not as simple as changing my diet and exercise habits. It involves having to make radical changes in my life, including getting out of my current job since my job is what prevents me from having the time to prepare healthy foods and exercise daily. You wouldn't tell someone in a concentration camp during wartime to eat better, because you know they have no control over that. They are being starved by their captors. In my case, no one is telling me I can't eat, but they are holding my time prisoner so that I don't have enough hours in the day to eat well and exercise.

I have to put too many irons in the fire in order to escape my current predicament, and because of that, I'm experiencing a lot of failures. I'm not doing as well in my photography class as I should be, because I'm in such a rush to read through my text assignments that I keep having misunderstandings and occasionally get bad grades. I'm used to being a 4.0 student. It is really difficult to work 60 hours a week and go to school. Yet without going to school, I can't change careers. I have to set myself up to start a new business, but I can't start a new business when I have to work 60-hours a week. It's a Catch 22.

The one definite step I have completed in this process is putting the kids and I on my husband's health plan, which will be effective July 1st. I'm contemplating asking my company to allow me to work part-time after July 1st, and making it clear to them that I am not to be forced to work overtime. I cannot continue working weekends and holidays. I know they would rather have me part-time than not at all. That would free up my time so I could finish my class and start my business, but we'd take a big financial hit until I start getting customers. It would also free up my time to eat right and exercise.

Normally, I can juggle it all, but the bad weather on the weekends has set me back so far in my personal endeavors. I can only run errands and do outside chores on the weekends, but since it's been raining and snowing every weekend since November, things are falling apart at home. I can't complete any of my projects. I don't want to cause financial problems for my family or make my kids worry about how the cost of college will be covered, but I can only do so much before imploding.

One of the other big stressors for me has been that I'm going blind. Without my eyesight, I can't do real basic things like read the cooking instructions on a box or make sure I've got all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket. I have to keep going back and redoing everything, because of something I missed like the black sock that keeps showing up in strange places -- everywhere except in the washing machine and dryer. I embarrass myself every day on my job, because I misread information. People with 20/20 vision get mad at me, because they can't empathize. I have three different sets of glasses plus a magnifying glass, but none of them seem to help. I think I need surgery. But whose got time for that?

For my lunch break today I ran outside to feed the horses, and while I was on my way running inside to feed myself, I noticed that the water trough was almost empty. If the water gets low, the horses destroy my de-icer and I get really sick of replacing those things. So, I started filling up the water trough, but couldn't stand out there for 10 minutes watching it fill, so I ran in the house thinking I could fix myself something to eat really fast. However, my efforts got stalled when I couldn't read the cooking instructions.

I raced around the house looking for a pair of glasses and when I found one, I decided to hang it from my banana tree and just keep that pair in the kitchen. By the time I started preparing my lunch, the water trough was overflowing. So, I had to ditch my lunch to run outside to turn off the hose. The whole time I was praying that none of my neighbors would try to stop me to talk or that the phone wouldn't ring. The phone has a knack for ringing at the worst possible times. I get nutty if I can't complete a single task because of a series of interruptions. I've gotten into the habit of running when I'm outside doing chores to communicate to my neighbors that I'm busy. Sometimes it works. Just telling them I'm busy usually doesn't make them go away.

On the way in the house, I discovered several caches of dog barf that needed to be scrubbed out of the carpet and the dryer was buzzing for the next load of laundry to be hung. My daughter helped out scrubbing up the barf while I hung laundry and found that nasty black sock in another strange location, still unwashed and undried, even though I know I put it in the washer. I'd swear that thing is possessed.

We've been getting an excessive number of phone calls from politicians with the elections coming up, and we've also been getting an excessive number of phone calls from relatives. One relative wanted to come visit, and I expressed how busy I am. He's retired, so he just doesn't get it. Usually, he just comes anyway, oblivious of the imposition. Fortunately, my husband backed me up this time and convinced him not to visit. Honestly, I really don't mind if people visit as long as...

1. They don't criticize me for not having time to clean house and wash our cars.
2. They don't expect me to entertain them or cook them meals.
3. They don't expect me to take time off from work to do things on their schedule.
4. They don't keep walking in my front door without knocking and waiting for an answer.
5. They communicate their schedule clearly and stick to it, so that I'm not constantly being interrupted while working out of my home with people walking in and out of my house.
6. They don't walk into my office while I'm working and ask what I'm doing. Or worse yet, kick me out of my own office so that they can play on my computer.
7. They don't talk to me while I'm participating in a phone conference and my boss is asking me questions.
8. They don't keep calling every time they aren't in my house, because that's just as disruptive as walking in and out of my house.
9. They don't try to rearrange my furniture.
10. They don't insult me.

Unfortunately, those are all things my relatives do. That's why I don't want them to visit. They try to lay guilt trips on me for not spending more time with them, but they did it to themselves by being rude and insensitive. People need to learn to be good guests as well as good hosts.

Anyway, I'm rambling again. To sum up... can't get my business started, can't exercise, can't eat right, blind as a bat, empty water troughs and dog barf are bad, and tis' the season for unwanted visits from relatives. In other words, stress.